A GOOD LAND

For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land-a land with brooks, streams, and deep springs gushing out into the valleys and hills; Deuteronomy 8:7
This is what God gave to me first thing this morning. So I sat down and read Deuteronomy 8. It made me think of how God gives us promises that WE do not claim. It would be like someone giving you a new house and even though it is your house, you will not live there because you did not take the key to your new house, unlock the door and move in!
God has given us so much but because we are sheep (head down and never looking up) we do not receive what has been given to us. Don't you think that would be so frustrating to God. I guess frustrating would not be the right word. That would be our human word! I think more like heartbreaking to God. I am guilty of not claiming my promises. I let the enemy tell me that God meant that promise for someone else! Not me! I always feel like God says my middle name a lot. You know like VICKIE DEnise will you ever get this. I feel like that I am on another spiritiually growing place right now. You know when your heart races wehn you that what is God going to do next.
Jack and I are on a new adventure and with my natural eyes, I get a little nervous. With my faith eyes, I see that nothing is impossible wehen we are in God's will. So I believe that was what God was giving me this morning. I could have just brushed it off but I chose to get in the word of God to see what God was trying to tell me. It told me that God is bringing us into a good land-a land with brooks, streams and deep springs GUSHING out into the valleys and hills.  I am not believing what the enemy wants me to believe. His lies is this land is too big for you, that the giants live in this land, and that I need to stay where is is comfortable.That is time to take a leap of faith. So we are leaping! Please keep us in your prayers that we are in God's will. It would be good for your soul to read Deuteronomy 8 today and listed to what promise God has for you and claim that promise. May your 2013 bring you into the a good land-a land with brooks, streams, and deep streams gushing out into the valleys and hills! Peace, love and BLESSINGS to all of you.

Roller Coaster!

Well that is how explain about my life. ROLLER COASTER! Yesterday was a very hard day for Jack and I. It really has no rhyme or no reason. Some times I know what opens the floodgates of tears and some days not so much. I am so very blessed to have the friends that I do. Friends that can't phytham the loss of a child but they are so clued in on how it must hurt.
One thing that I want to say is that I am always amazed when someone says that I inspire them. Let me insert here (it is no way, shape or form) me that is doing the inspiring. I know as I know that the inspiring comes from God. I know when I have my melt downs that God never has a melt down. I know that when I just can't get this head wrapped around my situation that God is all over it.
I guess the first part of my struggle (this week) started Saturday when I was making my nieces and nephews their little gifts from Jack and I. I can't say too much about that (don't want to give away the gift part to nieces and nephews) but that stirred up that all the kids will be here, all except Ej. So not much sleep on Saturday night. I did not feel like going to church on Sunday but I did and of course the sermen included not giving your all and coming to church just because is not good enough. But anyway, after the service, a lady at the church that reminds me so much of my mom grabbed me and gave me a hug. And she said you was on mind last night and so I prayed for you. Norma Coffey that made me cry all the way home. To think that someone thinks of me and prays for me, just like my mom would have. Now do I need to insert that God has got this. So then come Monday night when it was time to wrap the gifts, well going down again. Still not giving too much away in cases sneaking nieces and newphews are reading this. It made me wonder what Ej's interest would be today and what he would be doing. I think I have shared this before but there is just days that I SHOULD NOT GO THERE! But I did! Round two of melt down pursued and was with me on Tuesday. That is when God sent Donna (her daughter Amanda is in heaven with Ej and they are comet jumping) Anyway God sent her to my office where she looked at me and said HONEY what is wrong and then she followed up with well that was a dumb question because I know what is wrong. By the time she left my office, I was better and she always makes me feel better. See God has sent me another mother that has lost a child to comfort me and give me wisdom of a Jesus Girl! Thanks Donna!  And I might insert here that all the sweet little friends on fb, that share kind words and comments that make m e feel better. Then Jack took me to Somerset last night to watch our little Kade (grandson) play basketball. It done my heart good to do a little coaching. Well actually I am not the coach but I am the nana who thinks she is the coach. So God let me think I know enough about basketball to do a little bleacher coaching...lol. So last but not least was my conversation with my other friend Julie Beckman who has got to be the sweetest person...And she has loads of compassion that I think God blessed her with. When those words was said that I inspire her..That is so funny to me because most the time I am doing all I possibly can to get by. But that is where God comes in once again. I CANNOT do anything without him leading and guiding and trying to make me understand that I am not controlling this life but God is. And I am thankful that God is patient with me because if he was not God, I would have already wore him out and would have made him quit. But I am thankful that he keeps sending me all the people I get to conversate with. He sends all of my friends just in time and with the right words and all I can say is I AM SO BLESSED, I AM SO THANKFUL that God or my friends have not walked away saying you are too much of a mess for me to stay. Please have the best Christmas ever with your children. Love them and when they are on your last nerve love them a little more. God has got me thus far and believe me when I say that it is miles further then I could have got on my own. It is not me, it is God.

I am Forgiven

I have learned so much about forgiveness over the last few years and one of the biggest thing I have found is that it is harder for me to forgive myself then it is  to forgive others.  I believe that some unforgiveness of others comes from not forgiving ourselves.  It is much easier to blame someone else then to think that the burden of responsibility might be on me.  With that being said not forgiving ourselves comes from pride. The pride that we think we are higher then God because he has forgiven us so why can't we forgive. When the bible says when we ask God not only with our mouths but with our hearts to be forgiven. It is done! Not tomorrow not the day after that not 5 minutes from now but right at that very second that you ask for forgiveness.  So God has forgiven us, but we keep it going. We try to figure out why we did it. We try to blame others for what WE did and then before we know we are back in the cycle of unforgivness. The very thing that God took and forgot about until we remind him. Sometimes we have to say I am sorry, will you forgive me. EVEN if we think we did nothing wrong. But if we have hurt someones feelings intentional or UNINTENTIONAL, that does not make their feelings any less hurt.  And I am not proud of the fact that in the past I have hurt someones feelings and I have done that intentionally.  How sad for me. That to hurt someone on purpose, well, is just mean spirited. But even if I hurt someone in my past and was unintentional I always thought, well that is their problem because I did not do it on purpose. I am thankful that I am not the old Vickie but the new Vickie. It is such a freedom. I am not perfect but no stretch of the imagination but I know I am a Jesus Girl and that makes me smile.  God's word is very clear about if you have unforgiveness in your heart and you come to the Alter of God, that you are to make it right and then come back to the Alter of God. If you believe in God's word then that is the message. I am not saying that forgiveness is easy, it is not because it involves us giving up what we would like to hold on to. I am thankful for the forgiveness that I have gotten from my friends and family but more than that, I am thankful that I am forgiven by our most precious heavenly Father. The Alpha and the Omega...

Friends forever I hope we will be

I have really been inspired by friendships lately. I wish that all the world could get that material things are just temporary and that true friends are not something that you can buy or sale.
This really got me thinking about friendships a couple of weeks ago, when my friend Tracy Simmons came to have coffee in the potting shed. We literally sat in the potting shed for three hours, just talking, eating pumpkin roll that Tracy had brought (which was awesome by the way) and hanging out. No TV, no distractions, no spending money. The highlight was the fire was going and it was just plain nice and simple.
It could be my age and how I understand now that I am not going to be laying on my deathbed thinking, oh if I could have one more trip to the mall or I wish I would have bought that coach purse. I know that we all have different interest and that is what makes the world go around. But, I promise if I had one wish to make, it would be that all my friends and friends to be would just come and have coffee with me. I love to talk about God, I love to hear about your family, I love to share stories of the past. I guess I just love to make memories! The second request would be no politics please. But I would be more than happy to pray for our leaders. (that one is for you Norma...lol)
It really has reminded that I want to be a better friend. I want my friends and family to know that I always have time for you. I want my friends and family to know that they are welcome at my home anytime. I want my friends and family that all things are possible with God. I want my friends and family to know that what does my heart good is a great conversation with you.
If you want to spend anything on me..I ask that you spend your time and I would love to spend my time with you...You are welcome here...hugs!

Nov

14

Sometimes I cry...

I get the feeling that this blog might be a little difficult, but I feel like I need to write. I really can't explain what brings on days like today and I try to figure them out. I know that Jack and I have come a really long way, but no matter how far I go and how I trust God and his plan, it doesn't help the fact that I flat out miss j. Ej to most, but I always called him j.
I promise it lights my world up when someone mentions his name. I know that sometimes our friends and family don't speak his name because they are worried it will upset us by reminding us that he is gone. But believe me when I say we do not have to be reminded. I actually am amazed that I can have a business meeting, fix dinner, do church activities, do laundry, have a conversation with 10 people at the same time and Ej never leaves my mind. He is always there, always present, always past, just there. Sometimes it is just nice to know that others remember who j was or who he is. Even on days like today, I love for someone to tell a story about him.
And honestly sometimes I can hear his voice saying "mom, don't be sad because I am great, I am with God". I work so hard to honor his memory. I know that is a privilege that I love and that I am so blessed to get to be able to carry his honor.

But the reality is that I am here and he is there. It is a catch 22 to have one child here and one child in heaven. And speaking of that Tiffany has been the most awesome daughter ever. She stood on the sidelines for at least 2 to 3 years waiting for her mom and dad to come back. She never complained, she never said what about me, I am still here. She never turned her grief over to us. She carried that grief of her brother that she loved and then I know she felt like for awhile she lost not only her brother but her mom and dad. But slowly her dad and I found our way back to this place, and I know we are not the same mom and dad that left with Ej, but it was our love for Tiffany, Carson and Kade that made us want to come back.

I really don't know where this going. I just thought it was a good time to help you help others that have lost their child. Speak often of Ej or anyone that has lost a child, share memories, because that is what keep them alive, tell funny stories, tell serious stories. Just sometimes say I want you to know that I think of Ej often. I know I did not come back on my own. We have a God that is in the healing business as much today as yesterday and tomorrow. That same God gave us friends and family. Use your authority that God gave you. And if you don't know what to say to me sometimes, just speak Ej's name..That will help more than you will ever know. I do love my friends and family but I REALLY LOVE THE GRACE OF GOD.

 

I am just passing through!

What gives me peace is that I know that I am a visitor here. This is not my final home and for that I am so thankful. It took me a really long time to get this. I use to be so caught up in the next 10 years, the next 5 years and the next 5 days. But really that all changed when we lost Ej. Now I just usually say thanks God for getting me this far.
I have been ask several times "how did you and how do you go on when you lose a child".  Please understand that I don't say this lightly, I believe this with all that I am. I go on because of the Grace of God. Maybe that is why I try not to get so emotional about politics. But I also understand that a lot of people do not look at this temporary home like I do. And please don't take that wrong because if not for the lose of Ej, I don't think I would have understood the whole temporary home, journey thing.
I do believe we are required to pray for our leaders. I still believe that prayers can go alot further than votes. I have seen with my faith eyes what God can do. I really do not know the heart of anyone. That includes our politicians. But you know what is really awesome? God knows the heart of all of us. I am thankful for that even though I have to repent more than I would like to admit. But what is great, is that God is in control and he has given us the right to live in America, which for those that have been to third would countries know that it is a blessing to live here. (I feel like the music should be playing in the background, America the beautiful)  I would like for all of us to take our grumbling time and turn into prayer time. I don't think it would  matter who became our leaders, we would still need to pray for our country. Let us just remember who the king is!

Broken Vessels

My friend Joe and I was talking about being broken today and why some of us stay broken while some of us are mended over time. His answer was such good analoge about being broken. He said "it is like when you take two bottles and drop them to the floor at the same time. One bottle might be shattered while another bottle could become a weapon or enough left to be a vessel. I have been in that shattered state where I thought this is too big and I am unfixable. I did not think at one time that the broken me could be anything but laying on the floor in a thousand pieces. That I had nothing left that could be used for anything. Yes, I did talk to God when I was broken all of the time. Sometimes it was the mad talk, sometimes it was the I don't understand talk, sometimes it was the I can't even come up with adequete words to say to God and sometimes it was just begging for mercy. But now I see while I was talking to God, he was gathering up Vickie pieces. God knew more about me than I did about myself. I even believe now that there was pieces that I did not even need. The pieces that I pick up along during my life. God does not want to put new wine in old wine skins. So he gave me new wine skins and filled me up with new wine. I am so thankful that God does not feel the same way that I felt back then. I am so thankful that he did not say, I am sorry Vickie but you are too broken and you have nothing left to offer. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle, I still miss and love Ej. I believe that he left that hole in my heart to remind me of the gift he gave me. It is not a gift that can be taken away. But it is the gift that I look foward to seeing again someday. I do have my priorities...First stop in heaven at the feet of Jesus...Second stop in heaven I will be running to see Ej.  So if you have brokeness talk to Jesus..He is the potter you know!!!!