Living in the moment

As I think about how we live our life, I find that sometimes we live in the past and sometimes we look to the future.  But then I am reminded in the anxious eyes of my grandbaby Ansley, why not live in this very moment.  Yesterday has gone and tomorrow may or may not come. I live the best life when I am in the moment. I must admit, I do that best when I am playing with Ansley.  She has no agenda, no plans, or no regrets. I was blessed to get the same with Carson & Kade, my grand boys that have grown up in a blink of an eye. 14 and 1/2 years for Carson and 13 1/2 years for Kade.
It has been a journey and although it is good to look back and sometimes sad to look back, I cannot stay there. Even though I believe that God wants us to prepare for tomorrow, I don't believe he wants us to live there either.
God has given us right now, this moment and how sad to miss what is right before our eyes right now. To be thankful for that moment where all is good and even for that moment when all is not so good.
When I posted on fb this morning my Happy Anniversary to Jackson, I was reminded that Jack and I have had some awesome times on the mountains and we have had some really low times in the valley and that is where we have persevered. It is easy and no thought process while I am on the mountain but when I glimpse back, I know that the valley is what has made me appreciate being in the moment.
The best vacations has been the ones that we do not plan every moment of everyday. Even the best life is when I don't plan every moment of every day.  I have to give God room to move. I have to give Jesus room to communicate and I have to give the Holy Spirit space to dwell in me.  I know that I have to plan sometimes but the more I seek God's face the less I want to plan. I don't want to miss my sassy face when she is thrilled by a bird or the wind. I don't want to miss the joy of Carson when he hunts and how he loves nature. I don't want to miss how Kade is so giving like his Uncle Ej.  I don't want to miss when God sends that gift of a hummingbird or putting me in the path of the person that is going to share a story about Ej.  I don't want to miss watching Tiffany be such a loving mommy when she doesn't know I am watching her. I don't want to miss when Jack prays for me to have a great night sleep or when I am almost asleep and I feel him put his hand on me and pray for me.  I don't want to miss when my dad shares a story of my mom or grandparents that have gone to be with the Lord. 
If I can inspire you to do something today, I pray that it is be in the moment. We can glimpse back at yesterday but we cannot live there. We can make a plan for tomorrow in case we are still here but don't fill your life up with tomorrows.  For tomorrow is not promised. I will gladly take make promise for right here and right now. I will look for God in the eyes of my grandbabies. I will be thankful for the wonderful mommy that Tiffany expresses on daily basis.  I will thank God for a son in law that is a great provider for his wife and kids. I will thank for giving me a dad for 87 years and counting. I am thankful for a husband that I am happy to spend the rest of life with and watch who he has become in Jesus. I am thankful for my friends whom I get to pray for and that they pray for me. I am still thankful that God gave me Ej and in all of that I still believe in God. Be still and be in this moment.

Not my will but your will be done.

To say it has been a eventful week would be a understatement.  As I sit here quietly this morning and reflected on the last four or five days, and how God reveals himself to us if we just pay attention.  I believe he is always revealing but we are not always in tune.
Actually I believe God was preparing for the last few days over a week ago when he was preparing my heart while working on the Emmaus walk. I knew this walk was going to show me so much and require me to be in God's will because it was revealed to me before the walk that I would be working this walk for my friend Charmaine who had just lost her son Brian. I know that feeling of loss and no matter how much we love the Lord, the loss of a child consumes us. Brian went home just about 5 weeks before Charmaine, her husband Joel and many of their immediate family members was going to be working that same walk.  My talk I was giving was already in place and God had already given me the talk before Brian went home to be with Jesus. Anyway that reminded that God does not call the equipped, he equips the called. Not by not strength and power of my own do I share about Ej and the loss of a child. As I have prayed for Charmaine, Joel and Brian sister Amy, I have been reminded many times that we do not do these incredible hard things on our own but through Christ who gives us strength. Little did I know at the time that I would be faced with what happened on Monday night. And how much that taught me about a daddy's love.
Jack and I was in the living room and at 9:30 my cell phone rang. I seen it was my dad and I knew something was not right.  My dad ask me to come up and Jack and I immediately ran up to dad's where we seen him very sick, in a chair.  I ask dad what was wrong and he said he was having severe chest pain and his heart was beating 100mph. I said "dad we need to call a ambulance and he looked at me with such calm and peace and said no sis, if you just give me a few minutes I am dying and I just want you guys here with me so I will not alone. He wanted to go home but Jack and I wanted him to go to the hospital. He finally agreed but only if we took him. I was going to do what my father ask me to do even though my flesh was screaming call a ambulance.  Anyway we got him in the car and I drove to Somerset hospital which is about 25 minutes.  I thought of Ej. I thought of how my dad picked me up out of the kitchen floor when I heard Jack on the phone talking to his brother and saying Ej can't be dead. My dad picked me up and said Sis come on, I will help you up.  That was such picture of our heavenly father saying come on, I will pick you up.  Anyway on the way to the hospital, I prayed. My first question was who is going to pick me up when I fall. God said, I will pick you up, like I always have. My heart changed and it was time to practice what Jesus did. to practice and walk in what my biggest lesson through the loss of Ej was. To say to God, not my will but your will be done and mean it.  As soon as I uttered those words, I knew that no matter the outcome, it was going to be all right. Even though I knew that no matter the outcome, God was going to take care of us. At that moment I had peace that is beyond this world. Well the outcome was that God's will right now is that dad lives  After putting in two stents, dad is on the road to recovery. So to God be the glory and to me be the lesson. The lesson of trusting, no matter the circumstance.  And dad being dad is convinced that Jack's accident in his garage on Sunday might have made his condition worse.  I don't know if that is true but I always want to pray into the will of God. Do I struggle with that?  Yes, I do, I am still a spoiled child sometimes and want my will. In this journey of life we will have to do hard things, we will sometimes ask why me, we will have trials and tribulation. But he is who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.

Identity of who I am

I have blogged before a little on identity but it has really just been on my radar lately and it seems that God keeps bringing it to me in a lot of different ways over the past years. I believe my first identity crisis that was the most impacting was when Ej passed away. I remember thinking I have always been Ej's mom but now who am I.  It took many conversation with God to understand that I was Ej's mom and I am still Ej's mom. Of course I still felt like mom because I had Tiffany here with me, so she helped me hang on to my identity as mom.  But as I looked around me I began to understand the importance of our being by our identity.  Outside my bubble as I went to give my testimony at the jail and I sat behind the girls that was incarcerated, I could not help but see the really big INMATE sign on their back.  I was sad because I thought God, please don't let that identity stick to them because there is such freedom in know your identity.  Then last Sunday, a friend of Ej's  (Henry Cardwell) had just returned from a mission trip in Thailand and he spoke of many different things. The one thing that stuck in my head and in my heart was when he was talking about children that was born at home and some of them did not have a birth certificate. And even now that can't afford to get one.  Without the birth certificate the children could not attend school. Without the birth certificate it was like that don't exist. Wow, that was crushing for me. God and I have had lots of conversation about identity. I am so thankful that we are able to have a identity in Christ, no matter if we have a piece of paper to say who we are.  But that is easy for me to say because I have that birth certificate and I have been able to attend school, get married, travel to another country and have a career to make a living here on earth. And even though I know God has for some reason allowed me to have this, I am sure if I went to get my passport and I was to say well my identity is in Christ so issue me a passport without a birth certificate, chances are I would have been turned down.  So I don't know how this is going to happen but if God has gave me this task, I know it will happen.  I am excited to talk to Mike and Sherry (our Thailand missionaries) to find out how much it cost for these babies to get a birth certificate and if it is even human possible to get one.  If it is not humanly possible, I know it is God possible.  I am on a mission because identity has to start somewhere, so stay tuned and see what happens!

To catch a glimpse

This might be the one blog of mine that I don't know if I can explain. But you know me, I will give it a try. The random thing that made me think of this earlier was I was getting a bottle of water out of the fridge and a dream almost came to me. Please tell me that others have almost recalled a dreamed and before you get the memory of the full dream, you lose it.   It was just a glimpse and even though I know I had a moment that was oh so familiar, I could not for the life bring it to full circle. Sometimes I get that glimpse of God and know that it is him and I glance away only for a second and it is gone. Man that is the worst feeling because I know that God had something for me and bam I lost it.  For a moment my heart really skips a beat and I think oh I almost had it. I warned you guys that this random!  But it reminded me that when I take my eyes off God even for a second, I have missed what he has for me.  Since Ej has left to go stay with Jesus, I have had so many moment that I know as I know was God sent.  I know when I was growing up I had glimpses but I had not a clue how big that was.  My friend Donna says I always get God gifts because I am expecting one.  I don't mean that I am special but I believe that God is special and he is always sending us  so much and all we receive is glimpses.  Glimpses of Glory, glimpses of time, glimpses of mercy, glimpses of grace.  I believe sometimes that we are distracted and don't see God.  Then sometimes I realize that I have just missed it and how disappointed God is.  Not really disappointed in me, but disappointed because he knows, wow if Vickie would have got that, she would of loved that so much. Even writing that makes me cry.  I know God sends us things all the time and we could have so much more then a glimpse if we keep our eyes on Jesus. It is more then a glimpse when I sit quietly with Jesus and I know that is so much how he communicates. My prayer is that you and I get more then a glimpse, that we get a open heaven.  I have prayed and I believe that one day I will see a open heaven. And I don't want to wait to get to heaven to see a open heaven. I am praying that down to earth. I don't know if my heart could take it but I would love to give it a try.  Be intentional and want more then a glimpse.  Want more then a second.  Ask big, what do you have to lose...  God show me your glory!

A filmilar place.....

Tonight I am on the screen in porch. Not in the potting shed, where I am most of the time. Tonight this is a familiar a place I have sat many times, either waiting for the sound of the loud music coming down the road.  Ej's music on his radio always got here about 20 seconds before he would pull in the driveway. The sound of the music would always make me smile, because I knew that he was home safe and all was right in the world. Actually it is a little early for a Friday night but how I loved to hear him coming.  It is pretty quiet here except maybe the tree frogs but they was no match for Ej's stereo. When he was picking out his car, I believe the stereo was the most important. I still have his car. For some reason I know it is way past due for me to have a new car but I love his car.  At first I wasn't going to drive it but I could hear his little voice saying "mom, you have got to be kidding me, I got the car to drive and you should drive it. So I have now been driving it for almost nine years. I couldn't drive it at first but then after some months had went by, I started driving it.  Sometimes I even turn the stereo up really loud because that is what Ej would do. It is funny the things that make me feel close to him.  I was reminded today that when Ej was on his way to North Carolina that weekend, he called me on Friday night June 30 and said mom, I know what I want for my birthday! Would you please call and order me Cursive tickets (it is a band that Ej loved and went to lots of their venues.)  Anyway, I called and order his tickets and then called him back and told him that the tickets was on will call. The concert was on July 12 and I called him back and told him it was done. He reminded that I was the best mom in the world and I am thankful for that.  Ej would not get to go to that concert because he passed away on July 2, 2006.  It was on July 10th when our daughter Tiffany said to me and her dad.  Let's go to the concert!  The tickets was on will call for Jack Glenn and since Jack and Ej had the same name, we could pick up his tickets. So we loaded in the car and drove to northern Kentucky and watch Cursive. They was so kind and came and talked to us before the show and put us up in the loft while the concert played.  The best part was the lead singer held up a picture of Ej and said that he was suppose to be at the concert and that he had passed away.  As he was talking about Ej, you could hear a pin drop. He introduced me, Jack and Tiffany and the best part was all these 1000 or more 21 year olds started blowing us kisses. It was the best, these kids with their purple hair, tattoo's, piercings, and rockers was standing on their feet blowing kisses. I have held that memory and can still see all of them with their sweet hearts. What I though was going to be the worse night of my life turned out to be so meaningful. What great fans Cursive has and I will be ever so grateful that he honored our son.  Now in just four short days is Ej's birthday. He will be 32 years old...He was 12 days short of 23 when he passed away.  But what a gift from God. If I had it all to do again, I would gladly do it, even if I knew what I know now.  God really has gave me two great gifts...He gave us Tiffany and then he gave us Ej.  So I love to sit here in the familiar place, where if I close my eyes and listen really close, I can hear Ej's stereo getting here just before he pulled in the driveway. A sound I will never forget, a love I will never forget, a son I will never forget but most of all a gift of a lifetime. Until we meet again Ej, momma will always be thankful for her brown eyed boy...

Seeing God through the tears.

Wow, for the last couple of weeks I have had to see God through a veil of tears. Starting with the loss of a school mate that is my age and lost her bout with cancer but won her eternal life with God.  I have another school mate that even though in high school we did not circle with the same crowd, I always knew her and admire her and all that talent she was blessed with.  We have became very close over the past couple of years and I have followed her trials and her loss, but more then that I followed her courage as she lost her mother and her husband in the same year, while dealing with health issues. But her courage and her love for God, prayer and faith has encourage me so very much. Her name is Linda and she has fought like no other. It puts life in perspective and I need to be reminded of that. But I believe my biggest hurdle and my answers I received from God this last couple of weeks has been awesome.  A few weeks ago I got blessed to do my testimony at the jail for the women there.  As I sat behind them I was looking at their jail attire. Which consisted of awful bright green scrub like material and the great big letters on their backs that said INMATE. As I sat there I was thinking I wonder through my life what has been my identity that others gave me, or that I gave myself. Then I smiled because I thought they really could leave INMATE off of those uniforms because honestly the only people wearing that horrible outfit is a inmate. But anyway I realized that night that I am glad that I am not what I use to be. I am not where I am going to be but I am moving forward.  I had so much compassion for these girls and I know that some will change and some may never change but before I would have said they all are where they deserve to be.  I also thought "how blessed am I that God did not think the same thing about me."  If I got what I deserved well let's not go there.  Anyway, I cried for those ladies and prayed that God gives them a new identity.  Then on the Monday before memorial day weekend, I was really blue (just missing Ej) and I decided to go to the cemetery (that is probably not the best place to go when you are feeling blue) but when I am feeling blue I don't always make the best decisions.  Well when I got to the cemetery I discovered that some of Ej's things had been taken. Okay at this point I am not just blue but totally heart broken.  I was on my way to bunco (for my Ohio friends it is a game that us girlfriends play with dice) It is more about the friendship then the game. But that night my friends made me laugh like they always do. They are the kind of friends that will laugh with you, cry with you and I believe they would go to jail with you..lol  But anyway after that night I was reading the bible before I went to bed and it happen to be about the open tomb.  When Mary went to the tomb and Jesus was not there. She was ask who are you looking for.  Anyway it spoke to me and Jesus ask me why does it bother so that the material things are gone. It doesn't matter where you choose to remember Ej at on earth because he is not at the cemetery. Ej is home in heaven.  You put his body in the cemetery but Ej is home with me.  You can remember Ej anywhere. It was such an eye opener for me.  We did take Ej to the cemetery but that was not his home here on earth and that is not his home now.  His home here on earth is right here where I sit tonight sharing my thoughts. His home now is in heaven. I have spent the last almost nine years keeping his place at the cemetery all done up and all along I have wanted his memory here at home. So we are doing a memory garden that I can see daily and smile because Ej would know that is so his mom and dad. We love a project. So yes I know I will still cry because I miss Ej and I don't ever want to not miss Ej.  My despair keeps me connected to God.  Jack has always said that God does give us more then we can handle. Because God wants us to know that we don't handle brokenness. God is the one that handles what we can't. So yes through my tears I see God. I pray that God breaks my heart for what breaks his. I don't have the answers and understanding of sickness, loss of life or when bad things happen.  I know we live in a fallen world and I know that without my tears, my hurts, my disappointments, my I don't understands, I would be walking in this world thinking I could do it on my own. I can't do it on my own. As a matter of fact I can only do it with God.  I will still go to the cemetery from time to time but Ej's memory garden will be here at our home. At Ej's earthly home.  Just remember when the tears are falling, looking for Jesus. My best life is when I am seeking Jesus.

Things you did not know...To my daughter Tiffany

You are beautiful even when you think your not.  My mom showed me what a mom looked like, but you my sweet daughter taught me how to be a mom. Before you arrived on March 8, 1977, I had never fed or changed a baby before. I practiced on you and I loved you first.  Before you was born, I did not know what unconditional love was but at the very moment I saw you, I knew then.  You have brought so much joy to your dad and I.  I always looked forward to see your softball and volleyball games. I know I was your biggest fan and I still am. You are the one that can make me laugh at the worst of times.  That laugh where I can't maintain and even in church if we laugh, it is the best laugh ever. I don't know if you knew how happy your grandma was every time you surprised her with a visit. I don't know if you really know how much your babies love you. I don't know if you know how proud I am of the kind of mommy you are.  I don't think you know how incredibly smart you are and how I have always wanted to be as smart as you.  I knew you would be awesome at whatever you did and you are. I hope you know that even when it is hard to do the right thing, you still do what is right.  I know you don't do the right thing for you but you do the right thing for your boys. But most of all I want you to know that when we lost your brother, I only wanted to stay here on earth because you was here.  When I awoke in the morning, I always thanked God for you. That shows you that God has a plan and he planned it well. He knew how I would not be able to stay here on earth if I did not have someone that I loved as much as I loved Ej.  You are that one baby girl.  You are the reason why I stayed. You was the reason that I put one foot in front of the other. You did not get mad at me because I withdrew from life. Instead, you came back home to Kentucky to be with us. When you sat quietly on the sidelines, you did not know but you was my cheerleader.  You did not waiver even thought I knew your grief was over the top. I love your dad, I love my parents and oh how I love those grandbabies. But Tiffany I hope you will always know how much I love you and I will always be your biggest fan.  I love you to the moon and back and once around the universe...

Days like today

Wow, I so cherish days like today. When I am light hearted and not wearing a coat of heaviness. To spend the day that everything makes me smile and I know all is right in my place today.  These days when I can laugh even to the point that I crack me up. I so appreciate these days so very much. To spend the day with my friend that loves the simple things but it is very obvious that her life is so rich and so full of Christ that it puts life in perspective. Sometimes I do get out of sync, because of life, just like everyone else. But then God gives me what I need even when I don't know I need it. But I love at the end of the day when I can look at Jackson and say honey, I have had a good day and I can tell by the way he looks at me and gives me that sweet smile and says "I am happy you have a good day."  Then that makes my day even better because I know that Jack is really happy for me and understands what a good day means.  It is one of those days where it isn't a big thing, it is just lots of little things. Little things that string together to make a good day.  I have already thanked God many times today for this day. I am thankful that I recognize good days. My wish for you is that you realize, I mean really realize that you have had good day. I pray that you will not let your bad days overshadow your good days. I pray that no matter what has happened to you yesterday, today or tomorrow, that you do not live in defeat. That you understand that God wants us to have a abundant life. A life full of God, family, friends and a life filled with love and laughter.  I pray that you can find a blessing or several blessings in your circumstance.  No matter if the circumstance is good or the circumstance is bad. I love to always remember that there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning. Be blessed my friends and may the sunshine on your face tomorrow and all the days to follow:)

Always changing while God reminds the same

This week Jack and I have done lots of reading for our lent lessons.  As I have been reading it has dawned on me that even though this world is always changing, God remains the same. Our life has changed so very much. Marriages, children, loss of parents, loss of children, gain of grandchildren. Change of jobs, change of states and aging parents. I believe that pretty much sums up most of our lives in at least some of the things I have mention.  But as I read about God and what he wants for us is never changing. He desires a abundant life for us but for some reason we let life circumstance get in the way of a abundant life. Even the way I have thought about a abundant life has changed. When I was younger and before life really happened, I thought an abundant life meant having money, a nice house, be successful at work. My how I have changed. It went from having money to having enough of what God has given us. Not holding on so tightly to STUFF. From having a nice house to having a home full of God, love and laughter. I am thankful that I believe we have had that home for a really long time and a house is just shell. The home is what counts. Beings successful in the eyes of the world is nothing in comparison of being successful in the eyes of God. There is no doubt that life is going to change. We are going to loose family and friends. We are even going to loose family and friends that are still here on earth. I always have to remind myself to keep my eyes on God.  I will be honest, I still get sad, I will always miss the loved ones that have already went on to heaven.  But I know that God has this.  That he still wants me to have an abundant life.  Even when I don't see abundance, I feel abundance.  A God that keeps on giving. I lost my momma 15 years ago today, but my very best friend Pam got to give her a kiss for me as they loaded her in the ambulance.  I got to spend the whole Saturday with her the week before she passed away. Even though we ended up in the emergency room, I got to lay next to her on the small hospital bed and she spoke of things that I never knew before that night. I got to hold her hand until she fell asleep that night at the hospital. So many things that God allowed me to do.  What more could I ask for. It has made me remember that in the times of distressed or heartbreaking circumstance, if we keep our faith eyes open, God will give us what we need. A abundant life with a promise of a everlasting life. Everything changes but God remains the same.

The relentless Child

You know the child that cannot let go of something. When they ask question after question and still you don't have the right answer for them.  Well that has been me lately. The relentless child of God, is who I am. Even though I don't think I will get the answers I want or even the answers I don't want. I still ask.  This is what I think of when I can't sleep at night. It starts out simple enough, I wake up and most of the time when I wake up in the night I have the most deepest, heart wrenching conversations with God. When it is dark and everything is still, I ask God what Ej is doing. I thank God for giving me such an amazing son and thank God for my sweet daughter. But then the relentless child comes out and I have ask again..Why God? Why Ej? Why was it his time? Why did you give me such a great son and take him home so soon.  Why was Ej in North Carolina? Was that for him God? Or was that for his dad and me?  Am I missing something God in the whole story? Is it something I did? Is it something I didn't do? Was you protecting him God?  Why was Ej smiling that amazing smile? What did he see God. Did he see his grandma Lockaby or did he see his grandma Zona?  Was he afraid God? Did he look for me or did he know that I was not there ? Yes and that is only a small list of questions that I ask all the time. But then I think this my questions does not surprise God, he knows what I am going to ask even before the question crosses my lips. God knew this loss would change Jack and I forever. God knows that when Ansley gets a little bit sick or when Carson goes hunting or when Kade gets croup that my heart sinks. God knows all of this and yet he still listen to his relentless child. Sometimes we cannot understand and I would imagine that is where his word comes in that says For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9   That answer is the answer I always get, and God knows that I will ask again and again. God knows that I am his relentless child and that is okay with him and for that I am thankful. I know that I ask a lot of questions God but you also know that I am truly thankful for all that I have been given. I am thankful for those conversation in the middle of the night when the world is asleep and it is only You and I.....love your relentless child

Time in a bottle

Today is such a special day in the Glenn/Whitis family. Today Ansley Jay will be one year old already. One thing for sure God sure sent us more than a grand daughter, he sent us life once again.  We are so grateful for our grandchildren.  Carson the oldest is almost 14 and I think he remembers Ej the most. He is quiet about it but sometimes he just pops out a memory of Ej.  Kade our almost thirteen year old reminds me of Ej, because he has that all giving heart and he is laid back and loves Ej's style of clothes, as a matter of fact he picked out several last time he was over, mostly vintage tee's.  Then along came Ansley Jay (aka sassy). Her momma always called Ej by the name of Jay.
So that is where she got the name Jay. So blessed that Carson and Kade got to actual hang out with Ej but sad because they know what they are missing in a Uncle.  So blessed for Ansley because even though she did not know Ej earthly, my friend Diane reminded me that maybe she knew him before she got here. That sounds impossible for most, but that is not impossible for God.
One year old today is what Ansley Jay is. I thought of the song if I could keep time in a bottle.  But the reality is that time is just kept somewhere in our head. That is not the reality. God gave us time and that time may be long, may be short or may be somewhere in the middle. One thing I can promise is that it is not enough time. So today we will live in the moment. We will celebrate our baby girl. We have and will continue to thank God for our precious sassy. We thank God for all that he has given us. Our children and our grandchildren. Have a great day with your loved ones today because there is no such thing as time in a bottle. Happy Birthday beautiful, smart, and sassy, our wonderful gift from God.  Be all that God wants you to be.