The growing season

The growing season is what I call it but I don't know if I am that crazy about it or not. One thing for sure, is that I learn a lot during growing season.  I am sure you are thinking what is growing season.  Summer has come and gone so what are you growing.
I am growing to try to be on this earth without Ej. I am in growing season when it takes a whole lot to get me over the draught.  The draught of not seeing him.  The draught of that space that I still try to fill knowing I can't. Then it dawns on me that I need to blog. I have to write it out. I have to get it from my heart to my head and out of my fingertips. I really don't understand it but it is like I have to release all this bottled up feelings. From being mad, to being hurt, to being lonesome, and I guess from being silent.
It has been overwhelming lately and I believe that the change of seasons has so much to do with it. Heck I am amazed that the world still spins. I understand it still spins because of who God is and that the world does not revolve around me. I often say to God, "I am still here now what".  He always gives me a answer but not in my time. But it is always a growing a answer.
It is amazing to me that Jackson and I can sense something with one another even when we think we are doing so well to try not to bring the other one down. I think it kills me more when I see that Jack is struggling and I know that he is somewhere in his mind with Ej.
We went to Ohio last weekend for his class reunion and it was great to see everyone and everyone was and is so very thoughtful and kind. And for that we are thankful. We stayed with a couple that Jack and I love so very much. But on the way home I got that sense of Jack is pondering on Ej.  It was quiet in the truck and I looked over and said "what is it".  It took him a few minutes to talk but I knew it was going to be about Ej in some way.  He said well I had my best moment and my worse moment all at the same time. I ask what that was and he said watching his friend and his friend's son interact that weekend. He said I wish that Ej and I had a office together.  As I sat there with a dagger in my heart, I replied "I wish you did to."   I think at that moment I sat in silence, doing my best not to ugly cry. I did not want him to feel bad for me because I was crying but I really thought my heart would just stop beating.  It did not because I am still here so now what. I completely understood the best moment and the worse moment comment. I have had it several times over the past 10 years. Like college graduations, Weddings, baby showers, mother son dances at the weddings (the worse of the worse, I must say) then the children, the first house, the new job.  Well you get my point.  So happy for others because we would not have it any other than to watch but crushed at the same time. 
Please believe me when I say I never want my friends or family to shy away from milestones, because by the grace of God, we still have milestones that I love to share and that I know God has graced us with two of the greatest grandsons that we love to the moon and back.  Not to forget about sassy who just has her papa and I wrapped so tight that it has cut of circulation. lol  A smart beautiful daughter that makes us laugh and gives us unconditional love along with her amazing husband whom we love so much.
Like I said sometimes I just have to blog and chances are I will be better by the end of this blog. I guess it is important that our friends know that even though we try hard and sometimes we smile through our grief, that we always want to be real. There still is grief and lots of it and God works with us daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes minute by minute. It has been 10 years, sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes it seems like it has been 100 years. Some days we cry and some days we smile. Some days we hold it all together and some days we fall apart. This is our life.  But everyday we are thankful and grateful for what God has given us. And we are thankful for even those moments are the best and worse at the same time. I am thankful for a husband that understands me like no other and I know he feels the same way. Always love your babies even when they are not babies.  Always stop to enjoy the moment even when you think it is nothing spectacular because believe us when we say it is.  Thanks for always sharing your moments with us. Thanks mostly for not thinking I am a lunatic when I go off the grid with these blogs.  I love my friends and family so much and I know that God has put all of you in our life for a reason. When I figure out what this growing season is, I will blog again about the harvest. Good night sweet peeps!

Water, Life and God....
Tomorrow is Ej's birthday and it happens to fall on Thursday which is the day he was born.
First of all I cannot believe it has been so long since I blogged. Time marches on...I think this time of year is such a roller coaster for me. It starts around mothers day and travels through May and June and then hitting that dreaded day of July 2. Only to be followed by those 12 days on each side of the dash. Ej Glenn July 14, 1983 - July 2, 2006. 
For some reason this year I have thought a lot about the ocean and how it is so much like my life during this time. It is like visiting the ocean and I am anxious because I am getting ready to go on a journey. You know you are going on a journey and you hope and pray for nice weather. I look at life and I am in awe. I look at the ocean and I am in awe. When I first take the first few steps into the ocean, I am unsure of what is to come.  Is the waves going to be crashing me to the shore or will I be in calm water. Will the current carry me out and that is okay except I don't want to go to far out. If I go to far out, I may not be able to get back to shore, where I feel safe and secure. Then you see that sunrise and I am in awe again. I notice out in the distance that storm clouds are forming and it looks like the weather may get a little rough. Do I wait until the last minute to take cover or do I take the safe way and go for cover. Then bam there is the storm that has been picking up and stirring. The storm comes and I take cover and hope for ocean to calm. Hope for the sun to shine and wait to see the peaceful water with the sun setting. It really is all those emotions that carry me through this time.
It is not surprising that Jesus says that he is living water. That even though we do not know what the future holds, I know who holds my future. My emotions like the ocean are all over the place, but like the storms and the calm, nothing surprises God. I have to remind myself that God is the calm after the storm. God is the sun after the rain. Trust me I struggle and I have those days where I know I only survive by the grace of God.  I want to encourage and a lot of days I think I barely keep my head above water and especially this time of year. But I will keep my eyes above the waves. When someone says I encourage that always makes me smile because that is what God has called me to do. God knows this time of year he has to hold hand a little tighter. He has to throw me the life line a little more often. He shows me and teaches me about how the ocean and life is so connected but more than all of that he shows me that his love is unconditional and when I fail he still loves me. He loves me and allows me to be broken. But he always calls me back into reality after July 14th. He allows me to stand in the storm, he allows me to be taken out with the current and even allows me to try to keep my head above the waves on my own and then he reaches down and pulls me back to shore. Back to where I feel safe and secure. But he always reminds me that a storm can be brewing and I need to be steadfast with him. Ten years and Jack and I are still standing.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET EJ. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS.....
The anchor holds
though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
though the sails are torn

I wish you could have met Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie

Today I as ask to give my take on a decade for a college paper for a friend.  There was lots of questions about work, the price of a home, the price of gas, if war was going on and what was some of my favorite things. One of the last question was what impacted my life the most in that decade.  It immediately came to me because it often does.  I was blessed with the most fabulous aunt, who was my mom's youngest sister and her husband and I always called them Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie.  When I was young I would go to their house in northern Kentucky and stay a week or two every summer. They was the best of friends and even when I was little, I dreamed someday that I would have a marriage just like them.  They was busy raising three of the cutest little blonde hair girls in all the land. That would be my cousins Theresa, baby sisssy (real name Karen) and the blondest of all the youngest Belinda.  Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie was young when they married and when I was staying with them they was only in their 20's.  Aunt Carol laughed so very much and always made it such a great time to be at their house.  She would anxiously await the arrival of Uncle Frankie to get off work and as soon as he got home, we would all go out side to play and horse around. It really was a magical place and Oh how I was reminded today that the very thing that impacted my life was the day Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie lost their life in the Beverly Hills Supper Club fire On May 28, 1977.  My daughter Tiffany was born in March of that year and my Aunt Carol would ask me to wait until she got the girls off to school and then she would drive over an hour to come to the house to give Tiffany a bath. She loved doing that I am so thankful that she did. It wasn't about the bath it meant so much that she went to much out of her way just to come and see us.  About two weeks before the fire, Uncle Frankie ask me to come down and bring Tiffany to his work so he could show everyone his great niece. He worked at Riverside Ford and I honored his request.  Tiffany and I drove down and picked up Aunt Carol and off to Riverside Ford we went.  Little did I know we was going to spend the entire day there. Uncle Frankie insisted that he had to show everyone in place Tiffany.  As much as they loved me, I wish you could have known how much they loved their girls. Anyway on May 28, 1977 our life changed forever. I was in disbelief and sometimes even today almost 39 years later, I still cannot believe they are gone. I wish everyone could have met them at least one time. You would have seen what a great couple they was and how in love they was. I know I cannot even imagine how hard it has been for my three cousins but I know their parents would be so proud of them. I know Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie would have been the best grandparents ever in the whole world.  What I can't imagine is how one could have ever survived here without the other. It was life changing and even though I think of them so often, today I don't think they have left my mind.  We are but a vapor in this life and they lost their life way to soon.  Uncle Frankie was 33 and Aunt Carol was 31.  I even thought today that Ej will be 33 this year and I know he got to meet his famous great Aunt Carol and his fun loving Uncle Frankie. I don't understand how life works but I do understand who loves us more then we can love and I have a promise that I will see them someday. What a day glorious day that will be... I will always love you Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie and you are still my favorites. 

The Sun still shines Amanda and so do you.

Tonight my thoughts are with my really good friend Donna.  You know you have friends that you grow up with, you have friends that you connect with through work or play. Friends for a life time or friends for season. I am thankful that I have all those kinds of friends but I have a friend who is my person. You know the one that is more than a friend, a person that you have connection with because both of you had a child in 1983, but did not meet until after 2006. One that has a child that reminds me of someone that would be a lot like Ej, but only the child is a female child.  A beautiful blonde hair, blue eyed, and gorgeous smile that could light up a room. A beautiful girl that left this earthly home 11 years ago today at the young age of  21 years 4 months and 19 days.  I met Donna not long after we lost Ej.  Amanda was born just two months after Ej.  I have had the blessing of getting to know all about Amanda through her momma's eyes and her momma's heart.  Donna has got to know Ej through the eyes and heart of this momma.  We have laughed, we have cried, we have talked and we have sat in silence but we are connected. She is my person.  We are amazed how much Ej and Amanda had the same likes and how we think they are traveling comet's and galaxies and moon and star hopping.  How they get to see heavenly things. How they have praised God and how they are whole.  But today 11 years ago, Amanda left here. You know the thing about having a person is that you are connected and their happiness becomes yours, and their sadness becomes yours. Even when  something is not quiet right in your soul  and come to find out it is because your person is struggling. This morning on my way back from Somerset the sun was shining. There is something about the sunshine that makes my soul lighter. That was not always the case, I remember after Ej passed away everyday I would wake up and say to God, how can the sun still be shining. How can this world still be turning. Will I ever really feel the heat of the sun on my face. I longed for that for a really long time. It took me a really long time to feel the warmth of the sun again. Well anyway on my way back from Somerset, I felt the warmth of the sun on my face and I immediately thought of Amanda and I thanked God for Amanda and I felt like God was showing me that he had Amanda and Ej. That he was reminding me who he is. Amanda was our gift here on earth just like the sun is our gift on earth. Even though we don't always see the sun, the sun is still here, it is still shining. Even though Amanda is not here, she is still here. She still lights up here momma heart, she still is her momma's light. Amanda I hope you are seeing all that you longed to see. You are beautiful and you are loved. 
I believe in the sun, even when it isn't shining
I believe in Love, even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God, even when he is silent.