Nearing the end of June and yes Lord I am anxious. Anxious that another year has past and still I can’t wrap my head around the loss of Ej. A little long my arms around my sweet boy. This is what awakes me a little after midnight. Being in remembrance is a blessing and hard all at the same time. It’s this place that I want to visit but I just can’t stay to long. Sometimes I need the grief to seep into the depths of who I am to remind me that you have this Lord. You have always had this. It is I who struggle with the plan. Lord, it is you that gives the best gifts. I just often wonder what all of our lives would have been if only. The thing is, that I know you have all the answers the ones with the good gifts, so I will never stop seeking and trying to get understanding of how all of this works. To hold on to the last few weeks of that beautiful boy of mine but let go all at the same time. My comfort is I don’t think Ej misses here because he is there but I sure miss everything about him. I will look for the gift you always send to remind me that you have got this even though I don’t. May my heart be still and my mind at rest over the next few weeks. May you lead and guide me. There is no way that I believe you have lead me this far to leave me. All my hope is in you Jesus.
