Seeing God through the tears.

Wow, for the last couple of weeks I have had to see God through a veil of tears. Starting with the loss of a school mate that is my age and lost her bout with cancer but won her eternal life with God.  I have another school mate that even though in high school we did not circle with the same crowd, I always knew her and admire her and all that talent she was blessed with.  We have became very close over the past couple of years and I have followed her trials and her loss, but more then that I followed her courage as she lost her mother and her husband in the same year, while dealing with health issues. But her courage and her love for God, prayer and faith has encourage me so very much. Her name is Linda and she has fought like no other. It puts life in perspective and I need to be reminded of that. But I believe my biggest hurdle and my answers I received from God this last couple of weeks has been awesome.  A few weeks ago I got blessed to do my testimony at the jail for the women there.  As I sat behind them I was looking at their jail attire. Which consisted of awful bright green scrub like material and the great big letters on their backs that said INMATE. As I sat there I was thinking I wonder through my life what has been my identity that others gave me, or that I gave myself. Then I smiled because I thought they really could leave INMATE off of those uniforms because honestly the only people wearing that horrible outfit is a inmate. But anyway I realized that night that I am glad that I am not what I use to be. I am not where I am going to be but I am moving forward.  I had so much compassion for these girls and I know that some will change and some may never change but before I would have said they all are where they deserve to be.  I also thought "how blessed am I that God did not think the same thing about me."  If I got what I deserved well let's not go there.  Anyway, I cried for those ladies and prayed that God gives them a new identity.  Then on the Monday before memorial day weekend, I was really blue (just missing Ej) and I decided to go to the cemetery (that is probably not the best place to go when you are feeling blue) but when I am feeling blue I don't always make the best decisions.  Well when I got to the cemetery I discovered that some of Ej's things had been taken. Okay at this point I am not just blue but totally heart broken.  I was on my way to bunco (for my Ohio friends it is a game that us girlfriends play with dice) It is more about the friendship then the game. But that night my friends made me laugh like they always do. They are the kind of friends that will laugh with you, cry with you and I believe they would go to jail with you..lol  But anyway after that night I was reading the bible before I went to bed and it happen to be about the open tomb.  When Mary went to the tomb and Jesus was not there. She was ask who are you looking for.  Anyway it spoke to me and Jesus ask me why does it bother so that the material things are gone. It doesn't matter where you choose to remember Ej at on earth because he is not at the cemetery. Ej is home in heaven.  You put his body in the cemetery but Ej is home with me.  You can remember Ej anywhere. It was such an eye opener for me.  We did take Ej to the cemetery but that was not his home here on earth and that is not his home now.  His home here on earth is right here where I sit tonight sharing my thoughts. His home now is in heaven. I have spent the last almost nine years keeping his place at the cemetery all done up and all along I have wanted his memory here at home. So we are doing a memory garden that I can see daily and smile because Ej would know that is so his mom and dad. We love a project. So yes I know I will still cry because I miss Ej and I don't ever want to not miss Ej.  My despair keeps me connected to God.  Jack has always said that God does give us more then we can handle. Because God wants us to know that we don't handle brokenness. God is the one that handles what we can't. So yes through my tears I see God. I pray that God breaks my heart for what breaks his. I don't have the answers and understanding of sickness, loss of life or when bad things happen.  I know we live in a fallen world and I know that without my tears, my hurts, my disappointments, my I don't understands, I would be walking in this world thinking I could do it on my own. I can't do it on my own. As a matter of fact I can only do it with God.  I will still go to the cemetery from time to time but Ej's memory garden will be here at our home. At Ej's earthly home.  Just remember when the tears are falling, looking for Jesus. My best life is when I am seeking Jesus.

Things you did not know...To my daughter Tiffany

You are beautiful even when you think your not.  My mom showed me what a mom looked like, but you my sweet daughter taught me how to be a mom. Before you arrived on March 8, 1977, I had never fed or changed a baby before. I practiced on you and I loved you first.  Before you was born, I did not know what unconditional love was but at the very moment I saw you, I knew then.  You have brought so much joy to your dad and I.  I always looked forward to see your softball and volleyball games. I know I was your biggest fan and I still am. You are the one that can make me laugh at the worst of times.  That laugh where I can't maintain and even in church if we laugh, it is the best laugh ever. I don't know if you knew how happy your grandma was every time you surprised her with a visit. I don't know if you really know how much your babies love you. I don't know if you know how proud I am of the kind of mommy you are.  I don't think you know how incredibly smart you are and how I have always wanted to be as smart as you.  I knew you would be awesome at whatever you did and you are. I hope you know that even when it is hard to do the right thing, you still do what is right.  I know you don't do the right thing for you but you do the right thing for your boys. But most of all I want you to know that when we lost your brother, I only wanted to stay here on earth because you was here.  When I awoke in the morning, I always thanked God for you. That shows you that God has a plan and he planned it well. He knew how I would not be able to stay here on earth if I did not have someone that I loved as much as I loved Ej.  You are that one baby girl.  You are the reason why I stayed. You was the reason that I put one foot in front of the other. You did not get mad at me because I withdrew from life. Instead, you came back home to Kentucky to be with us. When you sat quietly on the sidelines, you did not know but you was my cheerleader.  You did not waiver even thought I knew your grief was over the top. I love your dad, I love my parents and oh how I love those grandbabies. But Tiffany I hope you will always know how much I love you and I will always be your biggest fan.  I love you to the moon and back and once around the universe...