Almost eight years, for some reason my mind just cannot comprehend it still. There is days when I think still, how can this be? How can I just keep moving on but I know because of God is how I keep moving on. Sometimes I still feel like it is a dream and I think to myself that when I wake in the morning my life will be what it started out to be. The time when I wake up and think wondering what Tiffany is doing today, wondering what Ej's plans are for the day. I am thankful that I get to still say I wonder what Tiffany will do here on earth today. Then I say I wonder what Ej is doing in heaven today.
My sweet baby boy (well baby boy to me) is not here and sometimes when I close my eyes, I think it is the time before sleep but not really awake, I get a flash of Ej's sweet face and it makes me open my eyes immediately. He is so close and so real and then some days it seems he is on a journey and he seems far away. That is the thing about grief, it does not come with a manual, it does not come with rhyme or reason, but it always comes. Sometimes it comes because of holidays or dates that are mile stones or special dates, but mostly it comes right out of left field and hits you like a ton of bricks. For just a few seconds I honestly don't think I will be able to breath and the grief comes over you like the grief after the shock wears off. Oh and that is another thing, the shock stays with you for a long time but it never goes away forever. The shock takes breaks but so far the shock visits often.
It seems my relief comes when I speak what my heart feels. I think the heart fills up with stuff and it has to be released, so I guess this is my outlet to empty.
I think I get a little squirrely this time of year because the last 6 weeks of Ej's life is burned in my mind. So it seems each day reminds me of what was happening and how all things seem so normal then. Now there is a new normal that we have been implementing for the last almost eight years. We really don't know what that looks like but with Gods guidance, I know a new normal is coming. So with that being said I guess I will end with a Ej funny story. As most stories with Ej was comical.
It was mother's day 2006, and Ej had just got his brand new car in March. A car that he saved for and bought his self. But anyway he pulled up in front of the house with his HHR and got out of the car. His dad and I was on the front porch when he got out of his car and walked around to the hatchback. He open the back and said mom, I have you a bird bath for mother's day because that is what you have wanted. He said this should prove that I love because I have just hauled concrete in my new car you. Jack and I laughed and I said well son, I have always wondered if you really loved me and I am so glad that you have finally proved your love for your mom. What an awesome son God gave me and you know when you have a beautiful gift that you just treasure and want to hold on tightly to forever. My heart gets the part that Ej was a gift, but it was a gift for a time. Ej belonged and belongs to God, I am blessed to be the mom of Tiffany and Ej. And the answer is yes, I am still Ej's mom and he is still my son just like I am still Tiffany's mom and she is my daughter. The only difference is Tiffany lives here on earth and Ej lives in heaven. My cup still runneth over because God has given me so much more then I deserve and God is still with me and understands that I miss my wonderful gift but God also assures me that I will see my gift again someday. Okay I guess I am done and I hope you understand grief it is unexplainable and we never know when grief will overwhelm us or when it will give us a rest. I miss you sweet son of mine and some sweet day we will be together.
