The gift

I remember when I was a child how excited I was for Christmas.  My parents both worked and my dad especially worked hard and most time he worked his regular job at Fisher Body and he also did lots of side jobs so his family could have the things.  Take vacations, have great birthdays and of course there was Christmas. Many times I would make my list, change my list and make it again because I believed that I would get what I ask for. It was not a free for all by no stretch of the imagination but we knew a few times a year we would be able to get that gift. The sears catalog would be flipped through more times then I could count.
I was really reminded this year because Ansley has ask for everything Barbie, that one year I ask for everything Barbie.  I was about 9 or 10 years old and even though we got gifts they was by no means easy to come by.  I know now that my mom spent days and days making an entire wardrobe of Barbie clothes for me. I did not know that at the time, but she would work after we all went to bed on these tiny little little clothes and made dresses, shorts, pants and coats. I remember going to her a few days before Christmas to tell her that I was going to ask Santa for something else.  I am sure she was crushed.  I did receive the Barbie doll, the clothes and the Barbie car but the gift was not what I ask for but the real gift was what my mom done. I don’t remember being overly excited about the Barbie stuff on that day but I wish I could go back and have a redo. I wish I could tell my mom thank you for all the time and effort you put into making all those things. Thank you for staying up and sewing all those clothes so I could have what I ask for. I did not understand that for many years and yes I would give so much to have all those clothes back but the memory is worth so much more then the clothes. We do take so much for granted but God is still teaching me to be grateful. He is teaching me that it isn’t about the stuff, but the sacrifice that is involved in our everyday life.  It is sure different then when I was little.  I doubt that Ansley will be impressed that her nana ordered her stuff from amazon but I hope she recalls the cookie making, the hot chocolate making, the playtime in the floor.
I always think it is like you know that spray foam that comes in a can.  Once you spray it you can’t put it back in the can. But the foam fills all the cracks and and empty space.  That is what I think about our memories.  Once they are made they are made.  My memory is not the Barbie or the clothes but today I have a memory that fills those cracks and empty spaces of my mom.  And for that I am grateful.  Make that memory this Christmas with your children and you grandchildren.  I promise it isn’t about the stuff but about the sacrifice.  They may not see it today but I promise one day or maybe in the middle of the night 50 some years later they will cry with gratitude of the unselfish love you poured into making Barbie clothes.  Merry Christmas and on this day Mary had a son and she named him Jesus. The greatest sacrifice of all!

Does our outside match our inside?

What about me blogging again in less than a week.

Call it age, maturity or not being as self centered as I once was, but I am so thankful for all three of those. Aging is not for sissy's that is for sure.  But wow I hope we all become softer, more forgiving and for once in our lives look beyond the outside of some ones appearance.  I just realized recently  how I have misjudged someone (good or bad) by the way they look on the outside. Like there is this person whom I have known for a really long time and on the outside they have it all together and if I am being honest there was times in life that I was jealous or at least envious.  It wasn't like a really close friend but I thought there is no limit to what she wants and whatever she wants she gets. Fast forward to many years later where I see now what she always wanted, money could not buy. Things could not sustain and looks on the outside does not always reflect what they are trying to achieve on the inside.  Please don't try to figure out who I am talking about because that is not the point.  At some stage in our life I am sure I could be talking about anyone, including myself!  I can't say for me it has been a lifelong struggle but I can say that I have said to myself, "if only I had this or if only I had that" I would be happy and satisfied. Only to see in a very short time that I was chasing acceptance.  Sometime it was acceptance from others and sometimes it was acceptance from ME!  If I was thinner, if I was richer, if I was prettier, if I was smarter and the list goes on.  I know I have said everyone of these things to myself.  If I was all I wanted to be well frankly I would be someone else!  Being someone else does not solve the problem, it just gives us a new set of problems. Back to the person I was Jealous or maybe even envious of, I am thankful that age or maturity has changed me, because now instead of wanting to be her, I want her to see herself the way others see her. I want whatever has made her feel unworthy to be cast into the sea of forgetfulness. I believe she is woreout from chasing whatever has been lacking in her life.  I want more then that for her to see herself the way God sees her. I wish I could just take credit for being a good person but it has been a work in progress. I could have done better going through my adult life but I guess as momma would say that is water under the bridge. I pray that I am better at getting to know someone for who they are on the inside and not who they are on the outside. Sometimes I think it is like trying to fill a dark hole from the abyss.  No amount of money, stuff, compliments, or looks can fill that hole. But there is one that can fill that hole with light and his name is Jesus.  I can honestly say that today because I have that hole and if I keep the light in there it is never completely overtaken by darkness. I hope you know that chances are that if I know you I have prayed for you sometime. If I have not, I am sure that I will.  If I have not prayed for you by name, I have prayed for many situations and conditions. I do love to pray for others, so if you trust me with your prayers, please shoot me a private message and I will happy to pray for you. If you would like to share what you want me to pray about that will be fine but if you just want me to pray without knowing details, that is great to. I know that God knows your needs and that is sufficient. I hope that when you and I see people we are not so shallow that we only see what is on the outside. I pray that you see the beauty in you and not the ashes. It is a great thing to pray for others but don't forget to pray for yourself. God love you just as much as He does the next guy!

Cracks in my heart

To say this has been a challenging year would be an understatement.  No great catastrophes but for some reason I find myself trying to reason the loss of Ej with God like never before.  I know I have thought to myself it has been 12 years and here I am again wrestling with the reason.  There is a reason you know and the truth is I will never know that reason here on earth. I often think to myself that is the first question that I am going to ask God.  Knowing at that point it will not matter. It is funny how I know God is who he says he is but when disaster strikes I always think it would be better if I knew the reason why. This grief is hard and heart wrenching.  One minute I think to myself I have got this and less then 30 seconds later I am laid out face down begging for Mercy.  Mercy always comes and always picks me up. As the old saying goes if I had a quarter.  If I had a quarter for every time Mercy shows up, I could solve all my financial woes and maybe even some of yours. Mercy is faithful even though at times I struggle in my faith. I think to myself, faith the size of mustard seed is all I need.  Jack and I both have had a crazy year with our grief. It seems we get one piece of grief behind us and there is another piece knocking at our door.  I have looked at my husband and watched his many stages of grief and have been helpless or paralyzed to come to his rescue. The times that a father and son is having a great conversation and I know the look as a glance over to see what Jack is thinking. His face says why isn't that me Lord. The times that father and son build a house together and the longing in his face that says I want to build a house with my son. He doesn't say it but I know what he is thinking. I am thankful that God brought us back together because very few can understand this kind of grief. I did not understand this grief before Ej. I guess I feel disconnected and I don't why now. It is hard to move forward when we feel our feet are planted right here in this grief.  We all have hard things to do and I wish we didn't but it is the hard things that make us strong.  Easy makes me weak and I know that. I always feel better after I write. It is a release for me and I have not blogged for a really long time. So this might be a selfish attempt to release all this stuff that clutters my mind and sometimes spills over into this heart of mine.  After all this heart has cracks and it is way better to let light out of the cracks then to let clutter seep into the heart.  One day I will see my son, that is my hope. I am thankful for my sweet little family that allows me time to grieve and Oh how I love my baby girl Tiffany and all of her babies even though two out of three are not babies anymore. They have after all made this life worth living. I often think of a segment from Beth Moore.  She stated that her father in law said I did not miss you because I miss them.  I never want to miss Tiffany because I miss Ej.  I don't want to miss what is in front of me because I miss Ej who has went on. I know I can only visit this grief, I cannot live here, so may Mercy show up big and take me to this place that is here and now.  I want to live in the here and now.  Not yesterday and not the tomorrow.
Matthew 6:34, NIV Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.