The growing season is what I call it but I don't know if I am that crazy about it or not. One thing for sure, is that I learn a lot during growing season. I am sure you are thinking what is growing season. Summer has come and gone so what are you growing.
I am growing to try to be on this earth without Ej. I am in growing season when it takes a whole lot to get me over the draught. The draught of not seeing him. The draught of that space that I still try to fill knowing I can't. Then it dawns on me that I need to blog. I have to write it out. I have to get it from my heart to my head and out of my fingertips. I really don't understand it but it is like I have to release all this bottled up feelings. From being mad, to being hurt, to being lonesome, and I guess from being silent.
It has been overwhelming lately and I believe that the change of seasons has so much to do with it. Heck I am amazed that the world still spins. I understand it still spins because of who God is and that the world does not revolve around me. I often say to God, "I am still here now what". He always gives me a answer but not in my time. But it is always a growing a answer.
It is amazing to me that Jackson and I can sense something with one another even when we think we are doing so well to try not to bring the other one down. I think it kills me more when I see that Jack is struggling and I know that he is somewhere in his mind with Ej.
We went to Ohio last weekend for his class reunion and it was great to see everyone and everyone was and is so very thoughtful and kind. And for that we are thankful. We stayed with a couple that Jack and I love so very much. But on the way home I got that sense of Jack is pondering on Ej. It was quiet in the truck and I looked over and said "what is it". It took him a few minutes to talk but I knew it was going to be about Ej in some way. He said well I had my best moment and my worse moment all at the same time. I ask what that was and he said watching his friend and his friend's son interact that weekend. He said I wish that Ej and I had a office together. As I sat there with a dagger in my heart, I replied "I wish you did to." I think at that moment I sat in silence, doing my best not to ugly cry. I did not want him to feel bad for me because I was crying but I really thought my heart would just stop beating. It did not because I am still here so now what. I completely understood the best moment and the worse moment comment. I have had it several times over the past 10 years. Like college graduations, Weddings, baby showers, mother son dances at the weddings (the worse of the worse, I must say) then the children, the first house, the new job. Well you get my point. So happy for others because we would not have it any other than to watch but crushed at the same time.
Please believe me when I say I never want my friends or family to shy away from milestones, because by the grace of God, we still have milestones that I love to share and that I know God has graced us with two of the greatest grandsons that we love to the moon and back. Not to forget about sassy who just has her papa and I wrapped so tight that it has cut of circulation. lol A smart beautiful daughter that makes us laugh and gives us unconditional love along with her amazing husband whom we love so much.
Like I said sometimes I just have to blog and chances are I will be better by the end of this blog. I guess it is important that our friends know that even though we try hard and sometimes we smile through our grief, that we always want to be real. There still is grief and lots of it and God works with us daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes minute by minute. It has been 10 years, sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes it seems like it has been 100 years. Some days we cry and some days we smile. Some days we hold it all together and some days we fall apart. This is our life. But everyday we are thankful and grateful for what God has given us. And we are thankful for even those moments are the best and worse at the same time. I am thankful for a husband that understands me like no other and I know he feels the same way. Always love your babies even when they are not babies. Always stop to enjoy the moment even when you think it is nothing spectacular because believe us when we say it is. Thanks for always sharing your moments with us. Thanks mostly for not thinking I am a lunatic when I go off the grid with these blogs. I love my friends and family so much and I know that God has put all of you in our life for a reason. When I figure out what this growing season is, I will blog again about the harvest. Good night sweet peeps!
