To say this has been a challenging year would be an understatement. No great catastrophes but for some reason I find myself trying to reason the loss of Ej with God like never before. I know I have thought to myself it has been 12 years and here I am again wrestling with the reason. There is a reason you know and the truth is I will never know that reason here on earth. I often think to myself that is the first question that I am going to ask God. Knowing at that point it will not matter. It is funny how I know God is who he says he is but when disaster strikes I always think it would be better if I knew the reason why. This grief is hard and heart wrenching. One minute I think to myself I have got this and less then 30 seconds later I am laid out face down begging for Mercy. Mercy always comes and always picks me up. As the old saying goes if I had a quarter. If I had a quarter for every time Mercy shows up, I could solve all my financial woes and maybe even some of yours. Mercy is faithful even though at times I struggle in my faith. I think to myself, faith the size of mustard seed is all I need. Jack and I both have had a crazy year with our grief. It seems we get one piece of grief behind us and there is another piece knocking at our door. I have looked at my husband and watched his many stages of grief and have been helpless or paralyzed to come to his rescue. The times that a father and son is having a great conversation and I know the look as a glance over to see what Jack is thinking. His face says why isn't that me Lord. The times that father and son build a house together and the longing in his face that says I want to build a house with my son. He doesn't say it but I know what he is thinking. I am thankful that God brought us back together because very few can understand this kind of grief. I did not understand this grief before Ej. I guess I feel disconnected and I don't why now. It is hard to move forward when we feel our feet are planted right here in this grief. We all have hard things to do and I wish we didn't but it is the hard things that make us strong. Easy makes me weak and I know that. I always feel better after I write. It is a release for me and I have not blogged for a really long time. So this might be a selfish attempt to release all this stuff that clutters my mind and sometimes spills over into this heart of mine. After all this heart has cracks and it is way better to let light out of the cracks then to let clutter seep into the heart. One day I will see my son, that is my hope. I am thankful for my sweet little family that allows me time to grieve and Oh how I love my baby girl Tiffany and all of her babies even though two out of three are not babies anymore. They have after all made this life worth living. I often think of a segment from Beth Moore. She stated that her father in law said I did not miss you because I miss them. I never want to miss Tiffany because I miss Ej. I don't want to miss what is in front of me because I miss Ej who has went on. I know I can only visit this grief, I cannot live here, so may Mercy show up big and take me to this place that is here and now. I want to live in the here and now. Not yesterday and not the tomorrow.
Matthew 6:34, NIV Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
