You know the child that cannot let go of something. When they ask question after question and still you don't have the right answer for them. Well that has been me lately. The relentless child of God, is who I am. Even though I don't think I will get the answers I want or even the answers I don't want. I still ask. This is what I think of when I can't sleep at night. It starts out simple enough, I wake up and most of the time when I wake up in the night I have the most deepest, heart wrenching conversations with God. When it is dark and everything is still, I ask God what Ej is doing. I thank God for giving me such an amazing son and thank God for my sweet daughter. But then the relentless child comes out and I have ask again..Why God? Why Ej? Why was it his time? Why did you give me such a great son and take him home so soon. Why was Ej in North Carolina? Was that for him God? Or was that for his dad and me? Am I missing something God in the whole story? Is it something I did? Is it something I didn't do? Was you protecting him God? Why was Ej smiling that amazing smile? What did he see God. Did he see his grandma Lockaby or did he see his grandma Zona? Was he afraid God? Did he look for me or did he know that I was not there ? Yes and that is only a small list of questions that I ask all the time. But then I think this my questions does not surprise God, he knows what I am going to ask even before the question crosses my lips. God knew this loss would change Jack and I forever. God knows that when Ansley gets a little bit sick or when Carson goes hunting or when Kade gets croup that my heart sinks. God knows all of this and yet he still listen to his relentless child. Sometimes we cannot understand and I would imagine that is where his word comes in that says For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9 That answer is the answer I always get, and God knows that I will ask again and again. God knows that I am his relentless child and that is okay with him and for that I am thankful. I know that I ask a lot of questions God but you also know that I am truly thankful for all that I have been given. I am thankful for those conversation in the middle of the night when the world is asleep and it is only You and I.....love your relentless child
