Sometimes I have no words.

I haven't written much lately because to be quiet honest, I have went through a numb stage. Don't ask me what that is all about because I don't have clue. I still get so overwhelmed over the loss of Ej. And believe it or not sometimes I have no words. Some days it seems like I have not seen Ej for a million years, and then others it seems like yesterday, that we got that phone call. I have to believe that God's way are not my ways. That is what his word says. I do wonder about some things though. I know that God knew that this would always be devastating for Jack and I. Yet it still happened. I sometimes speak that to God. Then God speaks back to my spirit and says Ej is safe and he loves heaven. As momma's we always want what is best for our kids and what could be better than heaven? But then there is that flesh side that just wants it my way. I think about Jesus a lot when he was praying in the garden of Gethsemane.When he lays face down and prays "my Father if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.  I have prayed that prayer often but then I am reminded that not my will but his will be done.
It is the hardest thing to say but Jesus said it and I know that is not what Jesus wanted to do. But he was all about his father's business. I try to be all about my father's business but I struggle. Jesus had his moment where he struggled to. So sometimes all I can do is get past the struggle part. It is life long and I have excepted that for my life. I have this one thing (even though it is a really big thing) but I have more than that. I have Jackson who knows me better then anyone. Who loves me when I am struggling and unlovable. I have Tiffany who is always patient with me when I am struggling. I have Carson and Kade who have loved Ej and knew me before all of this and now they have a nana that is still trying to find her way though this world. Then there is Ansley Jay who was just what Jackson and I needed to see the miracle of life unfold before our very eyes. To teach us that God has not forgotten about how crushed we are but sends us a little girl that has gave this life brand new meaning. I have Chad who will always take care of Tiffany, the boys and sassy.  I have friends and family that I love oh so much. I have people in my life that have the exact same heartache that I do. But more than all of that I have a God that sent his only son into this world to die for my sins, so that I can have eternal life with all of these that I love and that love Jesus. So thankful for that hope because if not for that hope, I would not be standing today or any other day. For where your treasures are, there your heart will be also. Luke 12:34.

Unexpected gifts from the expected one

Yes, yesterday was the big 60 for this girl. I am not sad about that but thankful that I have been here 60 years. I thought at first that was sad over the great loss of family, friends and especially our son Ej but after pondering on things yesterday I remembered that great loss comes from great love. I will admit that I have not understood great love until we had our first born Tiffany. I have loved this child with love that I never even knew could exist. Then I had Ej and when I think about him being born and then to realize that I had more love to give.  I did not have to take love away from Tiffany so I would have some for Ej. God had just filled me up with double portion love. How great is that. Anyway back to the unexpected gifts from the expected one. Yesterday was a great example how that works. Ever since Ej passed away, I have not put God in the box that I use to put him in. God is all things that can and will do all things. He does all things even if we miss it. I am not big on missing it. But sometimes I almost do. 
Yesterday morning I got up and I was thinking how great of a gift I got when God gave me Tiffany on my birthday. I mean it is the gift that keeps on giving. It would be hard for anyone to trump that gift. But anyway, when I got up yesterday I text Tiffany her Happy Birthday wishes and jumped into the shower.  As I was getting ready for the day, drying my hair and fixing my face, I was talking to God and these are a few of things I said. "God, I thank you for my beautiful daughter and thank you for giving me such a great gift.  God, I got to send my momma home to heaven on my birthday and I even thank you for that. I miss her so very much but what a gift for her sendoff to heaven to be on my birthday. The thing that I am most sad about today is that Ej cannot tell me happy birthday."  well I brushed my teeth and gathered my things for work. I walked out to my car and it had a little bit of frost on it and I decided to tuff it out and just wait in the car for the windows to clear. Most days I would have went back in and let the car run but for some reason that was not my choice yesterday. So I sat there for about 10 or 15 seconds and on the radio came a Beatles song. Ej loved the Beatles, But it was not just any song but the song "All my loving".. It took me a few minutes but then it hit me like a ton a bricks. That was another gift from God. Especially the part that says and while I'm away I'll write home everyday and I'll send all my loving to you.  I know some of you all think I am crazy, but I knew that was my Happy Birthday from Ej.  That is what God orchestrates to happen when we need things to happen. That is God being God. I believe if we are open to receive what God has the possibilities are endless. But we have to be open and watching what God will do. These things that happen are not coincidence. It is God moving and giving and loving and never forsaking us even when we can't see it.  I am thankful for my faith eyes that God gives me. Did I cry? Like a newborn baby I cried.  But how refreshing after the rain. How thankful for my message from my sweet Ej. How thankful for my baby girl Tiffany. The children of the very tapestry of my life. For my God who has woven my tapestry together and sealed it with a kiss from the cross.