Does our outside match our inside?

What about me blogging again in less than a week.

Call it age, maturity or not being as self centered as I once was, but I am so thankful for all three of those. Aging is not for sissy's that is for sure.  But wow I hope we all become softer, more forgiving and for once in our lives look beyond the outside of some ones appearance.  I just realized recently  how I have misjudged someone (good or bad) by the way they look on the outside. Like there is this person whom I have known for a really long time and on the outside they have it all together and if I am being honest there was times in life that I was jealous or at least envious.  It wasn't like a really close friend but I thought there is no limit to what she wants and whatever she wants she gets. Fast forward to many years later where I see now what she always wanted, money could not buy. Things could not sustain and looks on the outside does not always reflect what they are trying to achieve on the inside.  Please don't try to figure out who I am talking about because that is not the point.  At some stage in our life I am sure I could be talking about anyone, including myself!  I can't say for me it has been a lifelong struggle but I can say that I have said to myself, "if only I had this or if only I had that" I would be happy and satisfied. Only to see in a very short time that I was chasing acceptance.  Sometime it was acceptance from others and sometimes it was acceptance from ME!  If I was thinner, if I was richer, if I was prettier, if I was smarter and the list goes on.  I know I have said everyone of these things to myself.  If I was all I wanted to be well frankly I would be someone else!  Being someone else does not solve the problem, it just gives us a new set of problems. Back to the person I was Jealous or maybe even envious of, I am thankful that age or maturity has changed me, because now instead of wanting to be her, I want her to see herself the way others see her. I want whatever has made her feel unworthy to be cast into the sea of forgetfulness. I believe she is woreout from chasing whatever has been lacking in her life.  I want more then that for her to see herself the way God sees her. I wish I could just take credit for being a good person but it has been a work in progress. I could have done better going through my adult life but I guess as momma would say that is water under the bridge. I pray that I am better at getting to know someone for who they are on the inside and not who they are on the outside. Sometimes I think it is like trying to fill a dark hole from the abyss.  No amount of money, stuff, compliments, or looks can fill that hole. But there is one that can fill that hole with light and his name is Jesus.  I can honestly say that today because I have that hole and if I keep the light in there it is never completely overtaken by darkness. I hope you know that chances are that if I know you I have prayed for you sometime. If I have not, I am sure that I will.  If I have not prayed for you by name, I have prayed for many situations and conditions. I do love to pray for others, so if you trust me with your prayers, please shoot me a private message and I will happy to pray for you. If you would like to share what you want me to pray about that will be fine but if you just want me to pray without knowing details, that is great to. I know that God knows your needs and that is sufficient. I hope that when you and I see people we are not so shallow that we only see what is on the outside. I pray that you see the beauty in you and not the ashes. It is a great thing to pray for others but don't forget to pray for yourself. God love you just as much as He does the next guy!

Cracks in my heart

To say this has been a challenging year would be an understatement.  No great catastrophes but for some reason I find myself trying to reason the loss of Ej with God like never before.  I know I have thought to myself it has been 12 years and here I am again wrestling with the reason.  There is a reason you know and the truth is I will never know that reason here on earth. I often think to myself that is the first question that I am going to ask God.  Knowing at that point it will not matter. It is funny how I know God is who he says he is but when disaster strikes I always think it would be better if I knew the reason why. This grief is hard and heart wrenching.  One minute I think to myself I have got this and less then 30 seconds later I am laid out face down begging for Mercy.  Mercy always comes and always picks me up. As the old saying goes if I had a quarter.  If I had a quarter for every time Mercy shows up, I could solve all my financial woes and maybe even some of yours. Mercy is faithful even though at times I struggle in my faith. I think to myself, faith the size of mustard seed is all I need.  Jack and I both have had a crazy year with our grief. It seems we get one piece of grief behind us and there is another piece knocking at our door.  I have looked at my husband and watched his many stages of grief and have been helpless or paralyzed to come to his rescue. The times that a father and son is having a great conversation and I know the look as a glance over to see what Jack is thinking. His face says why isn't that me Lord. The times that father and son build a house together and the longing in his face that says I want to build a house with my son. He doesn't say it but I know what he is thinking. I am thankful that God brought us back together because very few can understand this kind of grief. I did not understand this grief before Ej. I guess I feel disconnected and I don't why now. It is hard to move forward when we feel our feet are planted right here in this grief.  We all have hard things to do and I wish we didn't but it is the hard things that make us strong.  Easy makes me weak and I know that. I always feel better after I write. It is a release for me and I have not blogged for a really long time. So this might be a selfish attempt to release all this stuff that clutters my mind and sometimes spills over into this heart of mine.  After all this heart has cracks and it is way better to let light out of the cracks then to let clutter seep into the heart.  One day I will see my son, that is my hope. I am thankful for my sweet little family that allows me time to grieve and Oh how I love my baby girl Tiffany and all of her babies even though two out of three are not babies anymore. They have after all made this life worth living. I often think of a segment from Beth Moore.  She stated that her father in law said I did not miss you because I miss them.  I never want to miss Tiffany because I miss Ej.  I don't want to miss what is in front of me because I miss Ej who has went on. I know I can only visit this grief, I cannot live here, so may Mercy show up big and take me to this place that is here and now.  I want to live in the here and now.  Not yesterday and not the tomorrow.
Matthew 6:34, NIV Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Sometimes I have no words.

I haven't written much lately because to be quiet honest, I have went through a numb stage. Don't ask me what that is all about because I don't have clue. I still get so overwhelmed over the loss of Ej. And believe it or not sometimes I have no words. Some days it seems like I have not seen Ej for a million years, and then others it seems like yesterday, that we got that phone call. I have to believe that God's way are not my ways. That is what his word says. I do wonder about some things though. I know that God knew that this would always be devastating for Jack and I. Yet it still happened. I sometimes speak that to God. Then God speaks back to my spirit and says Ej is safe and he loves heaven. As momma's we always want what is best for our kids and what could be better than heaven? But then there is that flesh side that just wants it my way. I think about Jesus a lot when he was praying in the garden of Gethsemane.When he lays face down and prays "my Father if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.  I have prayed that prayer often but then I am reminded that not my will but his will be done.
It is the hardest thing to say but Jesus said it and I know that is not what Jesus wanted to do. But he was all about his father's business. I try to be all about my father's business but I struggle. Jesus had his moment where he struggled to. So sometimes all I can do is get past the struggle part. It is life long and I have excepted that for my life. I have this one thing (even though it is a really big thing) but I have more than that. I have Jackson who knows me better then anyone. Who loves me when I am struggling and unlovable. I have Tiffany who is always patient with me when I am struggling. I have Carson and Kade who have loved Ej and knew me before all of this and now they have a nana that is still trying to find her way though this world. Then there is Ansley Jay who was just what Jackson and I needed to see the miracle of life unfold before our very eyes. To teach us that God has not forgotten about how crushed we are but sends us a little girl that has gave this life brand new meaning. I have Chad who will always take care of Tiffany, the boys and sassy.  I have friends and family that I love oh so much. I have people in my life that have the exact same heartache that I do. But more than all of that I have a God that sent his only son into this world to die for my sins, so that I can have eternal life with all of these that I love and that love Jesus. So thankful for that hope because if not for that hope, I would not be standing today or any other day. For where your treasures are, there your heart will be also. Luke 12:34.

Unexpected gifts from the expected one

Yes, yesterday was the big 60 for this girl. I am not sad about that but thankful that I have been here 60 years. I thought at first that was sad over the great loss of family, friends and especially our son Ej but after pondering on things yesterday I remembered that great loss comes from great love. I will admit that I have not understood great love until we had our first born Tiffany. I have loved this child with love that I never even knew could exist. Then I had Ej and when I think about him being born and then to realize that I had more love to give.  I did not have to take love away from Tiffany so I would have some for Ej. God had just filled me up with double portion love. How great is that. Anyway back to the unexpected gifts from the expected one. Yesterday was a great example how that works. Ever since Ej passed away, I have not put God in the box that I use to put him in. God is all things that can and will do all things. He does all things even if we miss it. I am not big on missing it. But sometimes I almost do. 
Yesterday morning I got up and I was thinking how great of a gift I got when God gave me Tiffany on my birthday. I mean it is the gift that keeps on giving. It would be hard for anyone to trump that gift. But anyway, when I got up yesterday I text Tiffany her Happy Birthday wishes and jumped into the shower.  As I was getting ready for the day, drying my hair and fixing my face, I was talking to God and these are a few of things I said. "God, I thank you for my beautiful daughter and thank you for giving me such a great gift.  God, I got to send my momma home to heaven on my birthday and I even thank you for that. I miss her so very much but what a gift for her sendoff to heaven to be on my birthday. The thing that I am most sad about today is that Ej cannot tell me happy birthday."  well I brushed my teeth and gathered my things for work. I walked out to my car and it had a little bit of frost on it and I decided to tuff it out and just wait in the car for the windows to clear. Most days I would have went back in and let the car run but for some reason that was not my choice yesterday. So I sat there for about 10 or 15 seconds and on the radio came a Beatles song. Ej loved the Beatles, But it was not just any song but the song "All my loving".. It took me a few minutes but then it hit me like a ton a bricks. That was another gift from God. Especially the part that says and while I'm away I'll write home everyday and I'll send all my loving to you.  I know some of you all think I am crazy, but I knew that was my Happy Birthday from Ej.  That is what God orchestrates to happen when we need things to happen. That is God being God. I believe if we are open to receive what God has the possibilities are endless. But we have to be open and watching what God will do. These things that happen are not coincidence. It is God moving and giving and loving and never forsaking us even when we can't see it.  I am thankful for my faith eyes that God gives me. Did I cry? Like a newborn baby I cried.  But how refreshing after the rain. How thankful for my message from my sweet Ej. How thankful for my baby girl Tiffany. The children of the very tapestry of my life. For my God who has woven my tapestry together and sealed it with a kiss from the cross.

The growing season

The growing season is what I call it but I don't know if I am that crazy about it or not. One thing for sure, is that I learn a lot during growing season.  I am sure you are thinking what is growing season.  Summer has come and gone so what are you growing.
I am growing to try to be on this earth without Ej. I am in growing season when it takes a whole lot to get me over the draught.  The draught of not seeing him.  The draught of that space that I still try to fill knowing I can't. Then it dawns on me that I need to blog. I have to write it out. I have to get it from my heart to my head and out of my fingertips. I really don't understand it but it is like I have to release all this bottled up feelings. From being mad, to being hurt, to being lonesome, and I guess from being silent.
It has been overwhelming lately and I believe that the change of seasons has so much to do with it. Heck I am amazed that the world still spins. I understand it still spins because of who God is and that the world does not revolve around me. I often say to God, "I am still here now what".  He always gives me a answer but not in my time. But it is always a growing a answer.
It is amazing to me that Jackson and I can sense something with one another even when we think we are doing so well to try not to bring the other one down. I think it kills me more when I see that Jack is struggling and I know that he is somewhere in his mind with Ej.
We went to Ohio last weekend for his class reunion and it was great to see everyone and everyone was and is so very thoughtful and kind. And for that we are thankful. We stayed with a couple that Jack and I love so very much. But on the way home I got that sense of Jack is pondering on Ej.  It was quiet in the truck and I looked over and said "what is it".  It took him a few minutes to talk but I knew it was going to be about Ej in some way.  He said well I had my best moment and my worse moment all at the same time. I ask what that was and he said watching his friend and his friend's son interact that weekend. He said I wish that Ej and I had a office together.  As I sat there with a dagger in my heart, I replied "I wish you did to."   I think at that moment I sat in silence, doing my best not to ugly cry. I did not want him to feel bad for me because I was crying but I really thought my heart would just stop beating.  It did not because I am still here so now what. I completely understood the best moment and the worse moment comment. I have had it several times over the past 10 years. Like college graduations, Weddings, baby showers, mother son dances at the weddings (the worse of the worse, I must say) then the children, the first house, the new job.  Well you get my point.  So happy for others because we would not have it any other than to watch but crushed at the same time. 
Please believe me when I say I never want my friends or family to shy away from milestones, because by the grace of God, we still have milestones that I love to share and that I know God has graced us with two of the greatest grandsons that we love to the moon and back.  Not to forget about sassy who just has her papa and I wrapped so tight that it has cut of circulation. lol  A smart beautiful daughter that makes us laugh and gives us unconditional love along with her amazing husband whom we love so much.
Like I said sometimes I just have to blog and chances are I will be better by the end of this blog. I guess it is important that our friends know that even though we try hard and sometimes we smile through our grief, that we always want to be real. There still is grief and lots of it and God works with us daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes minute by minute. It has been 10 years, sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes it seems like it has been 100 years. Some days we cry and some days we smile. Some days we hold it all together and some days we fall apart. This is our life.  But everyday we are thankful and grateful for what God has given us. And we are thankful for even those moments are the best and worse at the same time. I am thankful for a husband that understands me like no other and I know he feels the same way. Always love your babies even when they are not babies.  Always stop to enjoy the moment even when you think it is nothing spectacular because believe us when we say it is.  Thanks for always sharing your moments with us. Thanks mostly for not thinking I am a lunatic when I go off the grid with these blogs.  I love my friends and family so much and I know that God has put all of you in our life for a reason. When I figure out what this growing season is, I will blog again about the harvest. Good night sweet peeps!

Water, Life and God....
Tomorrow is Ej's birthday and it happens to fall on Thursday which is the day he was born.
First of all I cannot believe it has been so long since I blogged. Time marches on...I think this time of year is such a roller coaster for me. It starts around mothers day and travels through May and June and then hitting that dreaded day of July 2. Only to be followed by those 12 days on each side of the dash. Ej Glenn July 14, 1983 - July 2, 2006. 
For some reason this year I have thought a lot about the ocean and how it is so much like my life during this time. It is like visiting the ocean and I am anxious because I am getting ready to go on a journey. You know you are going on a journey and you hope and pray for nice weather. I look at life and I am in awe. I look at the ocean and I am in awe. When I first take the first few steps into the ocean, I am unsure of what is to come.  Is the waves going to be crashing me to the shore or will I be in calm water. Will the current carry me out and that is okay except I don't want to go to far out. If I go to far out, I may not be able to get back to shore, where I feel safe and secure. Then you see that sunrise and I am in awe again. I notice out in the distance that storm clouds are forming and it looks like the weather may get a little rough. Do I wait until the last minute to take cover or do I take the safe way and go for cover. Then bam there is the storm that has been picking up and stirring. The storm comes and I take cover and hope for ocean to calm. Hope for the sun to shine and wait to see the peaceful water with the sun setting. It really is all those emotions that carry me through this time.
It is not surprising that Jesus says that he is living water. That even though we do not know what the future holds, I know who holds my future. My emotions like the ocean are all over the place, but like the storms and the calm, nothing surprises God. I have to remind myself that God is the calm after the storm. God is the sun after the rain. Trust me I struggle and I have those days where I know I only survive by the grace of God.  I want to encourage and a lot of days I think I barely keep my head above water and especially this time of year. But I will keep my eyes above the waves. When someone says I encourage that always makes me smile because that is what God has called me to do. God knows this time of year he has to hold hand a little tighter. He has to throw me the life line a little more often. He shows me and teaches me about how the ocean and life is so connected but more than all of that he shows me that his love is unconditional and when I fail he still loves me. He loves me and allows me to be broken. But he always calls me back into reality after July 14th. He allows me to stand in the storm, he allows me to be taken out with the current and even allows me to try to keep my head above the waves on my own and then he reaches down and pulls me back to shore. Back to where I feel safe and secure. But he always reminds me that a storm can be brewing and I need to be steadfast with him. Ten years and Jack and I are still standing.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET EJ. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS.....
The anchor holds
though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
though the sails are torn

I wish you could have met Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie

Today I as ask to give my take on a decade for a college paper for a friend.  There was lots of questions about work, the price of a home, the price of gas, if war was going on and what was some of my favorite things. One of the last question was what impacted my life the most in that decade.  It immediately came to me because it often does.  I was blessed with the most fabulous aunt, who was my mom's youngest sister and her husband and I always called them Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie.  When I was young I would go to their house in northern Kentucky and stay a week or two every summer. They was the best of friends and even when I was little, I dreamed someday that I would have a marriage just like them.  They was busy raising three of the cutest little blonde hair girls in all the land. That would be my cousins Theresa, baby sisssy (real name Karen) and the blondest of all the youngest Belinda.  Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie was young when they married and when I was staying with them they was only in their 20's.  Aunt Carol laughed so very much and always made it such a great time to be at their house.  She would anxiously await the arrival of Uncle Frankie to get off work and as soon as he got home, we would all go out side to play and horse around. It really was a magical place and Oh how I was reminded today that the very thing that impacted my life was the day Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie lost their life in the Beverly Hills Supper Club fire On May 28, 1977.  My daughter Tiffany was born in March of that year and my Aunt Carol would ask me to wait until she got the girls off to school and then she would drive over an hour to come to the house to give Tiffany a bath. She loved doing that I am so thankful that she did. It wasn't about the bath it meant so much that she went to much out of her way just to come and see us.  About two weeks before the fire, Uncle Frankie ask me to come down and bring Tiffany to his work so he could show everyone his great niece. He worked at Riverside Ford and I honored his request.  Tiffany and I drove down and picked up Aunt Carol and off to Riverside Ford we went.  Little did I know we was going to spend the entire day there. Uncle Frankie insisted that he had to show everyone in place Tiffany.  As much as they loved me, I wish you could have known how much they loved their girls. Anyway on May 28, 1977 our life changed forever. I was in disbelief and sometimes even today almost 39 years later, I still cannot believe they are gone. I wish everyone could have met them at least one time. You would have seen what a great couple they was and how in love they was. I know I cannot even imagine how hard it has been for my three cousins but I know their parents would be so proud of them. I know Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie would have been the best grandparents ever in the whole world.  What I can't imagine is how one could have ever survived here without the other. It was life changing and even though I think of them so often, today I don't think they have left my mind.  We are but a vapor in this life and they lost their life way to soon.  Uncle Frankie was 33 and Aunt Carol was 31.  I even thought today that Ej will be 33 this year and I know he got to meet his famous great Aunt Carol and his fun loving Uncle Frankie. I don't understand how life works but I do understand who loves us more then we can love and I have a promise that I will see them someday. What a day glorious day that will be... I will always love you Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie and you are still my favorites.