Sometimes I have no words.

I haven't written much lately because to be quiet honest, I have went through a numb stage. Don't ask me what that is all about because I don't have clue. I still get so overwhelmed over the loss of Ej. And believe it or not sometimes I have no words. Some days it seems like I have not seen Ej for a million years, and then others it seems like yesterday, that we got that phone call. I have to believe that God's way are not my ways. That is what his word says. I do wonder about some things though. I know that God knew that this would always be devastating for Jack and I. Yet it still happened. I sometimes speak that to God. Then God speaks back to my spirit and says Ej is safe and he loves heaven. As momma's we always want what is best for our kids and what could be better than heaven? But then there is that flesh side that just wants it my way. I think about Jesus a lot when he was praying in the garden of Gethsemane.When he lays face down and prays "my Father if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.  I have prayed that prayer often but then I am reminded that not my will but his will be done.
It is the hardest thing to say but Jesus said it and I know that is not what Jesus wanted to do. But he was all about his father's business. I try to be all about my father's business but I struggle. Jesus had his moment where he struggled to. So sometimes all I can do is get past the struggle part. It is life long and I have excepted that for my life. I have this one thing (even though it is a really big thing) but I have more than that. I have Jackson who knows me better then anyone. Who loves me when I am struggling and unlovable. I have Tiffany who is always patient with me when I am struggling. I have Carson and Kade who have loved Ej and knew me before all of this and now they have a nana that is still trying to find her way though this world. Then there is Ansley Jay who was just what Jackson and I needed to see the miracle of life unfold before our very eyes. To teach us that God has not forgotten about how crushed we are but sends us a little girl that has gave this life brand new meaning. I have Chad who will always take care of Tiffany, the boys and sassy.  I have friends and family that I love oh so much. I have people in my life that have the exact same heartache that I do. But more than all of that I have a God that sent his only son into this world to die for my sins, so that I can have eternal life with all of these that I love and that love Jesus. So thankful for that hope because if not for that hope, I would not be standing today or any other day. For where your treasures are, there your heart will be also. Luke 12:34.