I wish you could have met Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie

Today I as ask to give my take on a decade for a college paper for a friend.  There was lots of questions about work, the price of a home, the price of gas, if war was going on and what was some of my favorite things. One of the last question was what impacted my life the most in that decade.  It immediately came to me because it often does.  I was blessed with the most fabulous aunt, who was my mom's youngest sister and her husband and I always called them Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie.  When I was young I would go to their house in northern Kentucky and stay a week or two every summer. They was the best of friends and even when I was little, I dreamed someday that I would have a marriage just like them.  They was busy raising three of the cutest little blonde hair girls in all the land. That would be my cousins Theresa, baby sisssy (real name Karen) and the blondest of all the youngest Belinda.  Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie was young when they married and when I was staying with them they was only in their 20's.  Aunt Carol laughed so very much and always made it such a great time to be at their house.  She would anxiously await the arrival of Uncle Frankie to get off work and as soon as he got home, we would all go out side to play and horse around. It really was a magical place and Oh how I was reminded today that the very thing that impacted my life was the day Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie lost their life in the Beverly Hills Supper Club fire On May 28, 1977.  My daughter Tiffany was born in March of that year and my Aunt Carol would ask me to wait until she got the girls off to school and then she would drive over an hour to come to the house to give Tiffany a bath. She loved doing that I am so thankful that she did. It wasn't about the bath it meant so much that she went to much out of her way just to come and see us.  About two weeks before the fire, Uncle Frankie ask me to come down and bring Tiffany to his work so he could show everyone his great niece. He worked at Riverside Ford and I honored his request.  Tiffany and I drove down and picked up Aunt Carol and off to Riverside Ford we went.  Little did I know we was going to spend the entire day there. Uncle Frankie insisted that he had to show everyone in place Tiffany.  As much as they loved me, I wish you could have known how much they loved their girls. Anyway on May 28, 1977 our life changed forever. I was in disbelief and sometimes even today almost 39 years later, I still cannot believe they are gone. I wish everyone could have met them at least one time. You would have seen what a great couple they was and how in love they was. I know I cannot even imagine how hard it has been for my three cousins but I know their parents would be so proud of them. I know Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie would have been the best grandparents ever in the whole world.  What I can't imagine is how one could have ever survived here without the other. It was life changing and even though I think of them so often, today I don't think they have left my mind.  We are but a vapor in this life and they lost their life way to soon.  Uncle Frankie was 33 and Aunt Carol was 31.  I even thought today that Ej will be 33 this year and I know he got to meet his famous great Aunt Carol and his fun loving Uncle Frankie. I don't understand how life works but I do understand who loves us more then we can love and I have a promise that I will see them someday. What a day glorious day that will be... I will always love you Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie and you are still my favorites. 

The Sun still shines Amanda and so do you.

Tonight my thoughts are with my really good friend Donna.  You know you have friends that you grow up with, you have friends that you connect with through work or play. Friends for a life time or friends for season. I am thankful that I have all those kinds of friends but I have a friend who is my person. You know the one that is more than a friend, a person that you have connection with because both of you had a child in 1983, but did not meet until after 2006. One that has a child that reminds me of someone that would be a lot like Ej, but only the child is a female child.  A beautiful blonde hair, blue eyed, and gorgeous smile that could light up a room. A beautiful girl that left this earthly home 11 years ago today at the young age of  21 years 4 months and 19 days.  I met Donna not long after we lost Ej.  Amanda was born just two months after Ej.  I have had the blessing of getting to know all about Amanda through her momma's eyes and her momma's heart.  Donna has got to know Ej through the eyes and heart of this momma.  We have laughed, we have cried, we have talked and we have sat in silence but we are connected. She is my person.  We are amazed how much Ej and Amanda had the same likes and how we think they are traveling comet's and galaxies and moon and star hopping.  How they get to see heavenly things. How they have praised God and how they are whole.  But today 11 years ago, Amanda left here. You know the thing about having a person is that you are connected and their happiness becomes yours, and their sadness becomes yours. Even when  something is not quiet right in your soul  and come to find out it is because your person is struggling. This morning on my way back from Somerset the sun was shining. There is something about the sunshine that makes my soul lighter. That was not always the case, I remember after Ej passed away everyday I would wake up and say to God, how can the sun still be shining. How can this world still be turning. Will I ever really feel the heat of the sun on my face. I longed for that for a really long time. It took me a really long time to feel the warmth of the sun again. Well anyway on my way back from Somerset, I felt the warmth of the sun on my face and I immediately thought of Amanda and I thanked God for Amanda and I felt like God was showing me that he had Amanda and Ej. That he was reminding me who he is. Amanda was our gift here on earth just like the sun is our gift on earth. Even though we don't always see the sun, the sun is still here, it is still shining. Even though Amanda is not here, she is still here. She still lights up here momma heart, she still is her momma's light. Amanda I hope you are seeing all that you longed to see. You are beautiful and you are loved. 
I believe in the sun, even when it isn't shining
I believe in Love, even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God, even when he is silent.

Living in the moment

As I think about how we live our life, I find that sometimes we live in the past and sometimes we look to the future.  But then I am reminded in the anxious eyes of my grandbaby Ansley, why not live in this very moment.  Yesterday has gone and tomorrow may or may not come. I live the best life when I am in the moment. I must admit, I do that best when I am playing with Ansley.  She has no agenda, no plans, or no regrets. I was blessed to get the same with Carson & Kade, my grand boys that have grown up in a blink of an eye. 14 and 1/2 years for Carson and 13 1/2 years for Kade.
It has been a journey and although it is good to look back and sometimes sad to look back, I cannot stay there. Even though I believe that God wants us to prepare for tomorrow, I don't believe he wants us to live there either.
God has given us right now, this moment and how sad to miss what is right before our eyes right now. To be thankful for that moment where all is good and even for that moment when all is not so good.
When I posted on fb this morning my Happy Anniversary to Jackson, I was reminded that Jack and I have had some awesome times on the mountains and we have had some really low times in the valley and that is where we have persevered. It is easy and no thought process while I am on the mountain but when I glimpse back, I know that the valley is what has made me appreciate being in the moment.
The best vacations has been the ones that we do not plan every moment of everyday. Even the best life is when I don't plan every moment of every day.  I have to give God room to move. I have to give Jesus room to communicate and I have to give the Holy Spirit space to dwell in me.  I know that I have to plan sometimes but the more I seek God's face the less I want to plan. I don't want to miss my sassy face when she is thrilled by a bird or the wind. I don't want to miss the joy of Carson when he hunts and how he loves nature. I don't want to miss how Kade is so giving like his Uncle Ej.  I don't want to miss when God sends that gift of a hummingbird or putting me in the path of the person that is going to share a story about Ej.  I don't want to miss watching Tiffany be such a loving mommy when she doesn't know I am watching her. I don't want to miss when Jack prays for me to have a great night sleep or when I am almost asleep and I feel him put his hand on me and pray for me.  I don't want to miss when my dad shares a story of my mom or grandparents that have gone to be with the Lord. 
If I can inspire you to do something today, I pray that it is be in the moment. We can glimpse back at yesterday but we cannot live there. We can make a plan for tomorrow in case we are still here but don't fill your life up with tomorrows.  For tomorrow is not promised. I will gladly take make promise for right here and right now. I will look for God in the eyes of my grandbabies. I will be thankful for the wonderful mommy that Tiffany expresses on daily basis.  I will thank God for a son in law that is a great provider for his wife and kids. I will thank for giving me a dad for 87 years and counting. I am thankful for a husband that I am happy to spend the rest of life with and watch who he has become in Jesus. I am thankful for my friends whom I get to pray for and that they pray for me. I am still thankful that God gave me Ej and in all of that I still believe in God. Be still and be in this moment.

Not my will but your will be done.

To say it has been a eventful week would be a understatement.  As I sit here quietly this morning and reflected on the last four or five days, and how God reveals himself to us if we just pay attention.  I believe he is always revealing but we are not always in tune.
Actually I believe God was preparing for the last few days over a week ago when he was preparing my heart while working on the Emmaus walk. I knew this walk was going to show me so much and require me to be in God's will because it was revealed to me before the walk that I would be working this walk for my friend Charmaine who had just lost her son Brian. I know that feeling of loss and no matter how much we love the Lord, the loss of a child consumes us. Brian went home just about 5 weeks before Charmaine, her husband Joel and many of their immediate family members was going to be working that same walk.  My talk I was giving was already in place and God had already given me the talk before Brian went home to be with Jesus. Anyway that reminded that God does not call the equipped, he equips the called. Not by not strength and power of my own do I share about Ej and the loss of a child. As I have prayed for Charmaine, Joel and Brian sister Amy, I have been reminded many times that we do not do these incredible hard things on our own but through Christ who gives us strength. Little did I know at the time that I would be faced with what happened on Monday night. And how much that taught me about a daddy's love.
Jack and I was in the living room and at 9:30 my cell phone rang. I seen it was my dad and I knew something was not right.  My dad ask me to come up and Jack and I immediately ran up to dad's where we seen him very sick, in a chair.  I ask dad what was wrong and he said he was having severe chest pain and his heart was beating 100mph. I said "dad we need to call a ambulance and he looked at me with such calm and peace and said no sis, if you just give me a few minutes I am dying and I just want you guys here with me so I will not alone. He wanted to go home but Jack and I wanted him to go to the hospital. He finally agreed but only if we took him. I was going to do what my father ask me to do even though my flesh was screaming call a ambulance.  Anyway we got him in the car and I drove to Somerset hospital which is about 25 minutes.  I thought of Ej. I thought of how my dad picked me up out of the kitchen floor when I heard Jack on the phone talking to his brother and saying Ej can't be dead. My dad picked me up and said Sis come on, I will help you up.  That was such picture of our heavenly father saying come on, I will pick you up.  Anyway on the way to the hospital, I prayed. My first question was who is going to pick me up when I fall. God said, I will pick you up, like I always have. My heart changed and it was time to practice what Jesus did. to practice and walk in what my biggest lesson through the loss of Ej was. To say to God, not my will but your will be done and mean it.  As soon as I uttered those words, I knew that no matter the outcome, it was going to be all right. Even though I knew that no matter the outcome, God was going to take care of us. At that moment I had peace that is beyond this world. Well the outcome was that God's will right now is that dad lives  After putting in two stents, dad is on the road to recovery. So to God be the glory and to me be the lesson. The lesson of trusting, no matter the circumstance.  And dad being dad is convinced that Jack's accident in his garage on Sunday might have made his condition worse.  I don't know if that is true but I always want to pray into the will of God. Do I struggle with that?  Yes, I do, I am still a spoiled child sometimes and want my will. In this journey of life we will have to do hard things, we will sometimes ask why me, we will have trials and tribulation. But he is who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.

Identity of who I am

I have blogged before a little on identity but it has really just been on my radar lately and it seems that God keeps bringing it to me in a lot of different ways over the past years. I believe my first identity crisis that was the most impacting was when Ej passed away. I remember thinking I have always been Ej's mom but now who am I.  It took many conversation with God to understand that I was Ej's mom and I am still Ej's mom. Of course I still felt like mom because I had Tiffany here with me, so she helped me hang on to my identity as mom.  But as I looked around me I began to understand the importance of our being by our identity.  Outside my bubble as I went to give my testimony at the jail and I sat behind the girls that was incarcerated, I could not help but see the really big INMATE sign on their back.  I was sad because I thought God, please don't let that identity stick to them because there is such freedom in know your identity.  Then last Sunday, a friend of Ej's  (Henry Cardwell) had just returned from a mission trip in Thailand and he spoke of many different things. The one thing that stuck in my head and in my heart was when he was talking about children that was born at home and some of them did not have a birth certificate. And even now that can't afford to get one.  Without the birth certificate the children could not attend school. Without the birth certificate it was like that don't exist. Wow, that was crushing for me. God and I have had lots of conversation about identity. I am so thankful that we are able to have a identity in Christ, no matter if we have a piece of paper to say who we are.  But that is easy for me to say because I have that birth certificate and I have been able to attend school, get married, travel to another country and have a career to make a living here on earth. And even though I know God has for some reason allowed me to have this, I am sure if I went to get my passport and I was to say well my identity is in Christ so issue me a passport without a birth certificate, chances are I would have been turned down.  So I don't know how this is going to happen but if God has gave me this task, I know it will happen.  I am excited to talk to Mike and Sherry (our Thailand missionaries) to find out how much it cost for these babies to get a birth certificate and if it is even human possible to get one.  If it is not humanly possible, I know it is God possible.  I am on a mission because identity has to start somewhere, so stay tuned and see what happens!

To catch a glimpse

This might be the one blog of mine that I don't know if I can explain. But you know me, I will give it a try. The random thing that made me think of this earlier was I was getting a bottle of water out of the fridge and a dream almost came to me. Please tell me that others have almost recalled a dreamed and before you get the memory of the full dream, you lose it.   It was just a glimpse and even though I know I had a moment that was oh so familiar, I could not for the life bring it to full circle. Sometimes I get that glimpse of God and know that it is him and I glance away only for a second and it is gone. Man that is the worst feeling because I know that God had something for me and bam I lost it.  For a moment my heart really skips a beat and I think oh I almost had it. I warned you guys that this random!  But it reminded me that when I take my eyes off God even for a second, I have missed what he has for me.  Since Ej has left to go stay with Jesus, I have had so many moment that I know as I know was God sent.  I know when I was growing up I had glimpses but I had not a clue how big that was.  My friend Donna says I always get God gifts because I am expecting one.  I don't mean that I am special but I believe that God is special and he is always sending us  so much and all we receive is glimpses.  Glimpses of Glory, glimpses of time, glimpses of mercy, glimpses of grace.  I believe sometimes that we are distracted and don't see God.  Then sometimes I realize that I have just missed it and how disappointed God is.  Not really disappointed in me, but disappointed because he knows, wow if Vickie would have got that, she would of loved that so much. Even writing that makes me cry.  I know God sends us things all the time and we could have so much more then a glimpse if we keep our eyes on Jesus. It is more then a glimpse when I sit quietly with Jesus and I know that is so much how he communicates. My prayer is that you and I get more then a glimpse, that we get a open heaven.  I have prayed and I believe that one day I will see a open heaven. And I don't want to wait to get to heaven to see a open heaven. I am praying that down to earth. I don't know if my heart could take it but I would love to give it a try.  Be intentional and want more then a glimpse.  Want more then a second.  Ask big, what do you have to lose...  God show me your glory!

A filmilar place.....

Tonight I am on the screen in porch. Not in the potting shed, where I am most of the time. Tonight this is a familiar a place I have sat many times, either waiting for the sound of the loud music coming down the road.  Ej's music on his radio always got here about 20 seconds before he would pull in the driveway. The sound of the music would always make me smile, because I knew that he was home safe and all was right in the world. Actually it is a little early for a Friday night but how I loved to hear him coming.  It is pretty quiet here except maybe the tree frogs but they was no match for Ej's stereo. When he was picking out his car, I believe the stereo was the most important. I still have his car. For some reason I know it is way past due for me to have a new car but I love his car.  At first I wasn't going to drive it but I could hear his little voice saying "mom, you have got to be kidding me, I got the car to drive and you should drive it. So I have now been driving it for almost nine years. I couldn't drive it at first but then after some months had went by, I started driving it.  Sometimes I even turn the stereo up really loud because that is what Ej would do. It is funny the things that make me feel close to him.  I was reminded today that when Ej was on his way to North Carolina that weekend, he called me on Friday night June 30 and said mom, I know what I want for my birthday! Would you please call and order me Cursive tickets (it is a band that Ej loved and went to lots of their venues.)  Anyway, I called and order his tickets and then called him back and told him that the tickets was on will call. The concert was on July 12 and I called him back and told him it was done. He reminded that I was the best mom in the world and I am thankful for that.  Ej would not get to go to that concert because he passed away on July 2, 2006.  It was on July 10th when our daughter Tiffany said to me and her dad.  Let's go to the concert!  The tickets was on will call for Jack Glenn and since Jack and Ej had the same name, we could pick up his tickets. So we loaded in the car and drove to northern Kentucky and watch Cursive. They was so kind and came and talked to us before the show and put us up in the loft while the concert played.  The best part was the lead singer held up a picture of Ej and said that he was suppose to be at the concert and that he had passed away.  As he was talking about Ej, you could hear a pin drop. He introduced me, Jack and Tiffany and the best part was all these 1000 or more 21 year olds started blowing us kisses. It was the best, these kids with their purple hair, tattoo's, piercings, and rockers was standing on their feet blowing kisses. I have held that memory and can still see all of them with their sweet hearts. What I though was going to be the worse night of my life turned out to be so meaningful. What great fans Cursive has and I will be ever so grateful that he honored our son.  Now in just four short days is Ej's birthday. He will be 32 years old...He was 12 days short of 23 when he passed away.  But what a gift from God. If I had it all to do again, I would gladly do it, even if I knew what I know now.  God really has gave me two great gifts...He gave us Tiffany and then he gave us Ej.  So I love to sit here in the familiar place, where if I close my eyes and listen really close, I can hear Ej's stereo getting here just before he pulled in the driveway. A sound I will never forget, a love I will never forget, a son I will never forget but most of all a gift of a lifetime. Until we meet again Ej, momma will always be thankful for her brown eyed boy...