It’s been a minute

 Here it is 4am and guess who is awake. Though time passes 16 years 2 months and 11 days, but who is counting.  As summer gives away to fall, sometimes my will gives away to my emotions. You know they can only be sir pressed for a little while. It’s like it is already on my mind before I even open my eyes. Ej that beautiful gift that God gave me only for a little while. Well at least physically. But when the earthly life passes he doesn’t leave me in my soul. It’s odd to me that even though I know I will not understand, I still want to so much. As summer gives away to fall, I seem to give away to emotions. Something about the change of seasons for all of us. It’s nostalgic but it’s heavy. Thankful to make it through another season and wondering (not worrying) about what is coming in our next season. A person can only go so far on their own and then you really understand who God is. Because it makes no sense why I am still standing.  This journey has gotten me up in the middle of the night more times then I care to count for the last well 16 years 2 months and 11 days. It certainly turned out different then what I imagine but so has lots of other things. The challenge is the balance. A child in heaven and a child here on earth. Both so beautiful, both so loved. So in your heart you spend time in both places, doing my best to be present here on earth but to never take my eyes off of heaven. Just something about writing it down that allows me to release and breathe. I haven’t blogged for awhile. I will have to say it’s been a minute. Blessing to all of you on this new season of life. Fill your heart and mind with good and loving memories they will keep you just when you need them most.  

SUMMER GRIEF

 Nearing the end of June and yes Lord I am anxious.  Anxious that another year has past and still I can’t wrap my head around the loss of Ej. A little long my arms around my sweet boy.  This is what awakes me a little after midnight. Being in remembrance is a blessing and hard all at the same time.  It’s this place that I want to visit but I just can’t stay to long. Sometimes I need the grief to seep into the depths of who I am to remind me that you have this Lord. You have always had this. It is I who struggle with the plan.  Lord,  it is you that gives the best gifts. I just often wonder what all of our lives would have been if only.  The thing is, that I know you have all the answers the ones with the good gifts, so I will never stop seeking and trying to get understanding of how all of this works. To hold on to the last few weeks of that beautiful boy of mine but let go all at the same time. My comfort is I don’t think Ej misses here because he is there but I sure miss everything about him.  I will look for the gift you always send to remind me that you have got this even though I don’t.  May my heart be still and my mind at rest over the next few weeks. May you lead and guide me. There is no way that I believe you have lead me this far to leave me.  All my hope is in you Jesus.  

The gift

I remember when I was a child how excited I was for Christmas.  My parents both worked and my dad especially worked hard and most time he worked his regular job at Fisher Body and he also did lots of side jobs so his family could have the things.  Take vacations, have great birthdays and of course there was Christmas. Many times I would make my list, change my list and make it again because I believed that I would get what I ask for. It was not a free for all by no stretch of the imagination but we knew a few times a year we would be able to get that gift. The sears catalog would be flipped through more times then I could count.
I was really reminded this year because Ansley has ask for everything Barbie, that one year I ask for everything Barbie.  I was about 9 or 10 years old and even though we got gifts they was by no means easy to come by.  I know now that my mom spent days and days making an entire wardrobe of Barbie clothes for me. I did not know that at the time, but she would work after we all went to bed on these tiny little little clothes and made dresses, shorts, pants and coats. I remember going to her a few days before Christmas to tell her that I was going to ask Santa for something else.  I am sure she was crushed.  I did receive the Barbie doll, the clothes and the Barbie car but the gift was not what I ask for but the real gift was what my mom done. I don’t remember being overly excited about the Barbie stuff on that day but I wish I could go back and have a redo. I wish I could tell my mom thank you for all the time and effort you put into making all those things. Thank you for staying up and sewing all those clothes so I could have what I ask for. I did not understand that for many years and yes I would give so much to have all those clothes back but the memory is worth so much more then the clothes. We do take so much for granted but God is still teaching me to be grateful. He is teaching me that it isn’t about the stuff, but the sacrifice that is involved in our everyday life.  It is sure different then when I was little.  I doubt that Ansley will be impressed that her nana ordered her stuff from amazon but I hope she recalls the cookie making, the hot chocolate making, the playtime in the floor.
I always think it is like you know that spray foam that comes in a can.  Once you spray it you can’t put it back in the can. But the foam fills all the cracks and and empty space.  That is what I think about our memories.  Once they are made they are made.  My memory is not the Barbie or the clothes but today I have a memory that fills those cracks and empty spaces of my mom.  And for that I am grateful.  Make that memory this Christmas with your children and you grandchildren.  I promise it isn’t about the stuff but about the sacrifice.  They may not see it today but I promise one day or maybe in the middle of the night 50 some years later they will cry with gratitude of the unselfish love you poured into making Barbie clothes.  Merry Christmas and on this day Mary had a son and she named him Jesus. The greatest sacrifice of all!

Does our outside match our inside?

What about me blogging again in less than a week.

Call it age, maturity or not being as self centered as I once was, but I am so thankful for all three of those. Aging is not for sissy's that is for sure.  But wow I hope we all become softer, more forgiving and for once in our lives look beyond the outside of some ones appearance.  I just realized recently  how I have misjudged someone (good or bad) by the way they look on the outside. Like there is this person whom I have known for a really long time and on the outside they have it all together and if I am being honest there was times in life that I was jealous or at least envious.  It wasn't like a really close friend but I thought there is no limit to what she wants and whatever she wants she gets. Fast forward to many years later where I see now what she always wanted, money could not buy. Things could not sustain and looks on the outside does not always reflect what they are trying to achieve on the inside.  Please don't try to figure out who I am talking about because that is not the point.  At some stage in our life I am sure I could be talking about anyone, including myself!  I can't say for me it has been a lifelong struggle but I can say that I have said to myself, "if only I had this or if only I had that" I would be happy and satisfied. Only to see in a very short time that I was chasing acceptance.  Sometime it was acceptance from others and sometimes it was acceptance from ME!  If I was thinner, if I was richer, if I was prettier, if I was smarter and the list goes on.  I know I have said everyone of these things to myself.  If I was all I wanted to be well frankly I would be someone else!  Being someone else does not solve the problem, it just gives us a new set of problems. Back to the person I was Jealous or maybe even envious of, I am thankful that age or maturity has changed me, because now instead of wanting to be her, I want her to see herself the way others see her. I want whatever has made her feel unworthy to be cast into the sea of forgetfulness. I believe she is woreout from chasing whatever has been lacking in her life.  I want more then that for her to see herself the way God sees her. I wish I could just take credit for being a good person but it has been a work in progress. I could have done better going through my adult life but I guess as momma would say that is water under the bridge. I pray that I am better at getting to know someone for who they are on the inside and not who they are on the outside. Sometimes I think it is like trying to fill a dark hole from the abyss.  No amount of money, stuff, compliments, or looks can fill that hole. But there is one that can fill that hole with light and his name is Jesus.  I can honestly say that today because I have that hole and if I keep the light in there it is never completely overtaken by darkness. I hope you know that chances are that if I know you I have prayed for you sometime. If I have not, I am sure that I will.  If I have not prayed for you by name, I have prayed for many situations and conditions. I do love to pray for others, so if you trust me with your prayers, please shoot me a private message and I will happy to pray for you. If you would like to share what you want me to pray about that will be fine but if you just want me to pray without knowing details, that is great to. I know that God knows your needs and that is sufficient. I hope that when you and I see people we are not so shallow that we only see what is on the outside. I pray that you see the beauty in you and not the ashes. It is a great thing to pray for others but don't forget to pray for yourself. God love you just as much as He does the next guy!

Cracks in my heart

To say this has been a challenging year would be an understatement.  No great catastrophes but for some reason I find myself trying to reason the loss of Ej with God like never before.  I know I have thought to myself it has been 12 years and here I am again wrestling with the reason.  There is a reason you know and the truth is I will never know that reason here on earth. I often think to myself that is the first question that I am going to ask God.  Knowing at that point it will not matter. It is funny how I know God is who he says he is but when disaster strikes I always think it would be better if I knew the reason why. This grief is hard and heart wrenching.  One minute I think to myself I have got this and less then 30 seconds later I am laid out face down begging for Mercy.  Mercy always comes and always picks me up. As the old saying goes if I had a quarter.  If I had a quarter for every time Mercy shows up, I could solve all my financial woes and maybe even some of yours. Mercy is faithful even though at times I struggle in my faith. I think to myself, faith the size of mustard seed is all I need.  Jack and I both have had a crazy year with our grief. It seems we get one piece of grief behind us and there is another piece knocking at our door.  I have looked at my husband and watched his many stages of grief and have been helpless or paralyzed to come to his rescue. The times that a father and son is having a great conversation and I know the look as a glance over to see what Jack is thinking. His face says why isn't that me Lord. The times that father and son build a house together and the longing in his face that says I want to build a house with my son. He doesn't say it but I know what he is thinking. I am thankful that God brought us back together because very few can understand this kind of grief. I did not understand this grief before Ej. I guess I feel disconnected and I don't why now. It is hard to move forward when we feel our feet are planted right here in this grief.  We all have hard things to do and I wish we didn't but it is the hard things that make us strong.  Easy makes me weak and I know that. I always feel better after I write. It is a release for me and I have not blogged for a really long time. So this might be a selfish attempt to release all this stuff that clutters my mind and sometimes spills over into this heart of mine.  After all this heart has cracks and it is way better to let light out of the cracks then to let clutter seep into the heart.  One day I will see my son, that is my hope. I am thankful for my sweet little family that allows me time to grieve and Oh how I love my baby girl Tiffany and all of her babies even though two out of three are not babies anymore. They have after all made this life worth living. I often think of a segment from Beth Moore.  She stated that her father in law said I did not miss you because I miss them.  I never want to miss Tiffany because I miss Ej.  I don't want to miss what is in front of me because I miss Ej who has went on. I know I can only visit this grief, I cannot live here, so may Mercy show up big and take me to this place that is here and now.  I want to live in the here and now.  Not yesterday and not the tomorrow.
Matthew 6:34, NIV Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Sometimes I have no words.

I haven't written much lately because to be quiet honest, I have went through a numb stage. Don't ask me what that is all about because I don't have clue. I still get so overwhelmed over the loss of Ej. And believe it or not sometimes I have no words. Some days it seems like I have not seen Ej for a million years, and then others it seems like yesterday, that we got that phone call. I have to believe that God's way are not my ways. That is what his word says. I do wonder about some things though. I know that God knew that this would always be devastating for Jack and I. Yet it still happened. I sometimes speak that to God. Then God speaks back to my spirit and says Ej is safe and he loves heaven. As momma's we always want what is best for our kids and what could be better than heaven? But then there is that flesh side that just wants it my way. I think about Jesus a lot when he was praying in the garden of Gethsemane.When he lays face down and prays "my Father if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.  I have prayed that prayer often but then I am reminded that not my will but his will be done.
It is the hardest thing to say but Jesus said it and I know that is not what Jesus wanted to do. But he was all about his father's business. I try to be all about my father's business but I struggle. Jesus had his moment where he struggled to. So sometimes all I can do is get past the struggle part. It is life long and I have excepted that for my life. I have this one thing (even though it is a really big thing) but I have more than that. I have Jackson who knows me better then anyone. Who loves me when I am struggling and unlovable. I have Tiffany who is always patient with me when I am struggling. I have Carson and Kade who have loved Ej and knew me before all of this and now they have a nana that is still trying to find her way though this world. Then there is Ansley Jay who was just what Jackson and I needed to see the miracle of life unfold before our very eyes. To teach us that God has not forgotten about how crushed we are but sends us a little girl that has gave this life brand new meaning. I have Chad who will always take care of Tiffany, the boys and sassy.  I have friends and family that I love oh so much. I have people in my life that have the exact same heartache that I do. But more than all of that I have a God that sent his only son into this world to die for my sins, so that I can have eternal life with all of these that I love and that love Jesus. So thankful for that hope because if not for that hope, I would not be standing today or any other day. For where your treasures are, there your heart will be also. Luke 12:34.

Unexpected gifts from the expected one

Yes, yesterday was the big 60 for this girl. I am not sad about that but thankful that I have been here 60 years. I thought at first that was sad over the great loss of family, friends and especially our son Ej but after pondering on things yesterday I remembered that great loss comes from great love. I will admit that I have not understood great love until we had our first born Tiffany. I have loved this child with love that I never even knew could exist. Then I had Ej and when I think about him being born and then to realize that I had more love to give.  I did not have to take love away from Tiffany so I would have some for Ej. God had just filled me up with double portion love. How great is that. Anyway back to the unexpected gifts from the expected one. Yesterday was a great example how that works. Ever since Ej passed away, I have not put God in the box that I use to put him in. God is all things that can and will do all things. He does all things even if we miss it. I am not big on missing it. But sometimes I almost do. 
Yesterday morning I got up and I was thinking how great of a gift I got when God gave me Tiffany on my birthday. I mean it is the gift that keeps on giving. It would be hard for anyone to trump that gift. But anyway, when I got up yesterday I text Tiffany her Happy Birthday wishes and jumped into the shower.  As I was getting ready for the day, drying my hair and fixing my face, I was talking to God and these are a few of things I said. "God, I thank you for my beautiful daughter and thank you for giving me such a great gift.  God, I got to send my momma home to heaven on my birthday and I even thank you for that. I miss her so very much but what a gift for her sendoff to heaven to be on my birthday. The thing that I am most sad about today is that Ej cannot tell me happy birthday."  well I brushed my teeth and gathered my things for work. I walked out to my car and it had a little bit of frost on it and I decided to tuff it out and just wait in the car for the windows to clear. Most days I would have went back in and let the car run but for some reason that was not my choice yesterday. So I sat there for about 10 or 15 seconds and on the radio came a Beatles song. Ej loved the Beatles, But it was not just any song but the song "All my loving".. It took me a few minutes but then it hit me like a ton a bricks. That was another gift from God. Especially the part that says and while I'm away I'll write home everyday and I'll send all my loving to you.  I know some of you all think I am crazy, but I knew that was my Happy Birthday from Ej.  That is what God orchestrates to happen when we need things to happen. That is God being God. I believe if we are open to receive what God has the possibilities are endless. But we have to be open and watching what God will do. These things that happen are not coincidence. It is God moving and giving and loving and never forsaking us even when we can't see it.  I am thankful for my faith eyes that God gives me. Did I cry? Like a newborn baby I cried.  But how refreshing after the rain. How thankful for my message from my sweet Ej. How thankful for my baby girl Tiffany. The children of the very tapestry of my life. For my God who has woven my tapestry together and sealed it with a kiss from the cross.

The growing season

The growing season is what I call it but I don't know if I am that crazy about it or not. One thing for sure, is that I learn a lot during growing season.  I am sure you are thinking what is growing season.  Summer has come and gone so what are you growing.
I am growing to try to be on this earth without Ej. I am in growing season when it takes a whole lot to get me over the draught.  The draught of not seeing him.  The draught of that space that I still try to fill knowing I can't. Then it dawns on me that I need to blog. I have to write it out. I have to get it from my heart to my head and out of my fingertips. I really don't understand it but it is like I have to release all this bottled up feelings. From being mad, to being hurt, to being lonesome, and I guess from being silent.
It has been overwhelming lately and I believe that the change of seasons has so much to do with it. Heck I am amazed that the world still spins. I understand it still spins because of who God is and that the world does not revolve around me. I often say to God, "I am still here now what".  He always gives me a answer but not in my time. But it is always a growing a answer.
It is amazing to me that Jackson and I can sense something with one another even when we think we are doing so well to try not to bring the other one down. I think it kills me more when I see that Jack is struggling and I know that he is somewhere in his mind with Ej.
We went to Ohio last weekend for his class reunion and it was great to see everyone and everyone was and is so very thoughtful and kind. And for that we are thankful. We stayed with a couple that Jack and I love so very much. But on the way home I got that sense of Jack is pondering on Ej.  It was quiet in the truck and I looked over and said "what is it".  It took him a few minutes to talk but I knew it was going to be about Ej in some way.  He said well I had my best moment and my worse moment all at the same time. I ask what that was and he said watching his friend and his friend's son interact that weekend. He said I wish that Ej and I had a office together.  As I sat there with a dagger in my heart, I replied "I wish you did to."   I think at that moment I sat in silence, doing my best not to ugly cry. I did not want him to feel bad for me because I was crying but I really thought my heart would just stop beating.  It did not because I am still here so now what. I completely understood the best moment and the worse moment comment. I have had it several times over the past 10 years. Like college graduations, Weddings, baby showers, mother son dances at the weddings (the worse of the worse, I must say) then the children, the first house, the new job.  Well you get my point.  So happy for others because we would not have it any other than to watch but crushed at the same time. 
Please believe me when I say I never want my friends or family to shy away from milestones, because by the grace of God, we still have milestones that I love to share and that I know God has graced us with two of the greatest grandsons that we love to the moon and back.  Not to forget about sassy who just has her papa and I wrapped so tight that it has cut of circulation. lol  A smart beautiful daughter that makes us laugh and gives us unconditional love along with her amazing husband whom we love so much.
Like I said sometimes I just have to blog and chances are I will be better by the end of this blog. I guess it is important that our friends know that even though we try hard and sometimes we smile through our grief, that we always want to be real. There still is grief and lots of it and God works with us daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes minute by minute. It has been 10 years, sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes it seems like it has been 100 years. Some days we cry and some days we smile. Some days we hold it all together and some days we fall apart. This is our life.  But everyday we are thankful and grateful for what God has given us. And we are thankful for even those moments are the best and worse at the same time. I am thankful for a husband that understands me like no other and I know he feels the same way. Always love your babies even when they are not babies.  Always stop to enjoy the moment even when you think it is nothing spectacular because believe us when we say it is.  Thanks for always sharing your moments with us. Thanks mostly for not thinking I am a lunatic when I go off the grid with these blogs.  I love my friends and family so much and I know that God has put all of you in our life for a reason. When I figure out what this growing season is, I will blog again about the harvest. Good night sweet peeps!

Water, Life and God....
Tomorrow is Ej's birthday and it happens to fall on Thursday which is the day he was born.
First of all I cannot believe it has been so long since I blogged. Time marches on...I think this time of year is such a roller coaster for me. It starts around mothers day and travels through May and June and then hitting that dreaded day of July 2. Only to be followed by those 12 days on each side of the dash. Ej Glenn July 14, 1983 - July 2, 2006. 
For some reason this year I have thought a lot about the ocean and how it is so much like my life during this time. It is like visiting the ocean and I am anxious because I am getting ready to go on a journey. You know you are going on a journey and you hope and pray for nice weather. I look at life and I am in awe. I look at the ocean and I am in awe. When I first take the first few steps into the ocean, I am unsure of what is to come.  Is the waves going to be crashing me to the shore or will I be in calm water. Will the current carry me out and that is okay except I don't want to go to far out. If I go to far out, I may not be able to get back to shore, where I feel safe and secure. Then you see that sunrise and I am in awe again. I notice out in the distance that storm clouds are forming and it looks like the weather may get a little rough. Do I wait until the last minute to take cover or do I take the safe way and go for cover. Then bam there is the storm that has been picking up and stirring. The storm comes and I take cover and hope for ocean to calm. Hope for the sun to shine and wait to see the peaceful water with the sun setting. It really is all those emotions that carry me through this time.
It is not surprising that Jesus says that he is living water. That even though we do not know what the future holds, I know who holds my future. My emotions like the ocean are all over the place, but like the storms and the calm, nothing surprises God. I have to remind myself that God is the calm after the storm. God is the sun after the rain. Trust me I struggle and I have those days where I know I only survive by the grace of God.  I want to encourage and a lot of days I think I barely keep my head above water and especially this time of year. But I will keep my eyes above the waves. When someone says I encourage that always makes me smile because that is what God has called me to do. God knows this time of year he has to hold hand a little tighter. He has to throw me the life line a little more often. He shows me and teaches me about how the ocean and life is so connected but more than all of that he shows me that his love is unconditional and when I fail he still loves me. He loves me and allows me to be broken. But he always calls me back into reality after July 14th. He allows me to stand in the storm, he allows me to be taken out with the current and even allows me to try to keep my head above the waves on my own and then he reaches down and pulls me back to shore. Back to where I feel safe and secure. But he always reminds me that a storm can be brewing and I need to be steadfast with him. Ten years and Jack and I are still standing.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET EJ. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS.....
The anchor holds
though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
though the sails are torn

I wish you could have met Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie

Today I as ask to give my take on a decade for a college paper for a friend.  There was lots of questions about work, the price of a home, the price of gas, if war was going on and what was some of my favorite things. One of the last question was what impacted my life the most in that decade.  It immediately came to me because it often does.  I was blessed with the most fabulous aunt, who was my mom's youngest sister and her husband and I always called them Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie.  When I was young I would go to their house in northern Kentucky and stay a week or two every summer. They was the best of friends and even when I was little, I dreamed someday that I would have a marriage just like them.  They was busy raising three of the cutest little blonde hair girls in all the land. That would be my cousins Theresa, baby sisssy (real name Karen) and the blondest of all the youngest Belinda.  Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie was young when they married and when I was staying with them they was only in their 20's.  Aunt Carol laughed so very much and always made it such a great time to be at their house.  She would anxiously await the arrival of Uncle Frankie to get off work and as soon as he got home, we would all go out side to play and horse around. It really was a magical place and Oh how I was reminded today that the very thing that impacted my life was the day Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie lost their life in the Beverly Hills Supper Club fire On May 28, 1977.  My daughter Tiffany was born in March of that year and my Aunt Carol would ask me to wait until she got the girls off to school and then she would drive over an hour to come to the house to give Tiffany a bath. She loved doing that I am so thankful that she did. It wasn't about the bath it meant so much that she went to much out of her way just to come and see us.  About two weeks before the fire, Uncle Frankie ask me to come down and bring Tiffany to his work so he could show everyone his great niece. He worked at Riverside Ford and I honored his request.  Tiffany and I drove down and picked up Aunt Carol and off to Riverside Ford we went.  Little did I know we was going to spend the entire day there. Uncle Frankie insisted that he had to show everyone in place Tiffany.  As much as they loved me, I wish you could have known how much they loved their girls. Anyway on May 28, 1977 our life changed forever. I was in disbelief and sometimes even today almost 39 years later, I still cannot believe they are gone. I wish everyone could have met them at least one time. You would have seen what a great couple they was and how in love they was. I know I cannot even imagine how hard it has been for my three cousins but I know their parents would be so proud of them. I know Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie would have been the best grandparents ever in the whole world.  What I can't imagine is how one could have ever survived here without the other. It was life changing and even though I think of them so often, today I don't think they have left my mind.  We are but a vapor in this life and they lost their life way to soon.  Uncle Frankie was 33 and Aunt Carol was 31.  I even thought today that Ej will be 33 this year and I know he got to meet his famous great Aunt Carol and his fun loving Uncle Frankie. I don't understand how life works but I do understand who loves us more then we can love and I have a promise that I will see them someday. What a day glorious day that will be... I will always love you Aunt Carol and Uncle Frankie and you are still my favorites. 

The Sun still shines Amanda and so do you.

Tonight my thoughts are with my really good friend Donna.  You know you have friends that you grow up with, you have friends that you connect with through work or play. Friends for a life time or friends for season. I am thankful that I have all those kinds of friends but I have a friend who is my person. You know the one that is more than a friend, a person that you have connection with because both of you had a child in 1983, but did not meet until after 2006. One that has a child that reminds me of someone that would be a lot like Ej, but only the child is a female child.  A beautiful blonde hair, blue eyed, and gorgeous smile that could light up a room. A beautiful girl that left this earthly home 11 years ago today at the young age of  21 years 4 months and 19 days.  I met Donna not long after we lost Ej.  Amanda was born just two months after Ej.  I have had the blessing of getting to know all about Amanda through her momma's eyes and her momma's heart.  Donna has got to know Ej through the eyes and heart of this momma.  We have laughed, we have cried, we have talked and we have sat in silence but we are connected. She is my person.  We are amazed how much Ej and Amanda had the same likes and how we think they are traveling comet's and galaxies and moon and star hopping.  How they get to see heavenly things. How they have praised God and how they are whole.  But today 11 years ago, Amanda left here. You know the thing about having a person is that you are connected and their happiness becomes yours, and their sadness becomes yours. Even when  something is not quiet right in your soul  and come to find out it is because your person is struggling. This morning on my way back from Somerset the sun was shining. There is something about the sunshine that makes my soul lighter. That was not always the case, I remember after Ej passed away everyday I would wake up and say to God, how can the sun still be shining. How can this world still be turning. Will I ever really feel the heat of the sun on my face. I longed for that for a really long time. It took me a really long time to feel the warmth of the sun again. Well anyway on my way back from Somerset, I felt the warmth of the sun on my face and I immediately thought of Amanda and I thanked God for Amanda and I felt like God was showing me that he had Amanda and Ej. That he was reminding me who he is. Amanda was our gift here on earth just like the sun is our gift on earth. Even though we don't always see the sun, the sun is still here, it is still shining. Even though Amanda is not here, she is still here. She still lights up here momma heart, she still is her momma's light. Amanda I hope you are seeing all that you longed to see. You are beautiful and you are loved. 
I believe in the sun, even when it isn't shining
I believe in Love, even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God, even when he is silent.

Living in the moment

As I think about how we live our life, I find that sometimes we live in the past and sometimes we look to the future.  But then I am reminded in the anxious eyes of my grandbaby Ansley, why not live in this very moment.  Yesterday has gone and tomorrow may or may not come. I live the best life when I am in the moment. I must admit, I do that best when I am playing with Ansley.  She has no agenda, no plans, or no regrets. I was blessed to get the same with Carson & Kade, my grand boys that have grown up in a blink of an eye. 14 and 1/2 years for Carson and 13 1/2 years for Kade.
It has been a journey and although it is good to look back and sometimes sad to look back, I cannot stay there. Even though I believe that God wants us to prepare for tomorrow, I don't believe he wants us to live there either.
God has given us right now, this moment and how sad to miss what is right before our eyes right now. To be thankful for that moment where all is good and even for that moment when all is not so good.
When I posted on fb this morning my Happy Anniversary to Jackson, I was reminded that Jack and I have had some awesome times on the mountains and we have had some really low times in the valley and that is where we have persevered. It is easy and no thought process while I am on the mountain but when I glimpse back, I know that the valley is what has made me appreciate being in the moment.
The best vacations has been the ones that we do not plan every moment of everyday. Even the best life is when I don't plan every moment of every day.  I have to give God room to move. I have to give Jesus room to communicate and I have to give the Holy Spirit space to dwell in me.  I know that I have to plan sometimes but the more I seek God's face the less I want to plan. I don't want to miss my sassy face when she is thrilled by a bird or the wind. I don't want to miss the joy of Carson when he hunts and how he loves nature. I don't want to miss how Kade is so giving like his Uncle Ej.  I don't want to miss when God sends that gift of a hummingbird or putting me in the path of the person that is going to share a story about Ej.  I don't want to miss watching Tiffany be such a loving mommy when she doesn't know I am watching her. I don't want to miss when Jack prays for me to have a great night sleep or when I am almost asleep and I feel him put his hand on me and pray for me.  I don't want to miss when my dad shares a story of my mom or grandparents that have gone to be with the Lord. 
If I can inspire you to do something today, I pray that it is be in the moment. We can glimpse back at yesterday but we cannot live there. We can make a plan for tomorrow in case we are still here but don't fill your life up with tomorrows.  For tomorrow is not promised. I will gladly take make promise for right here and right now. I will look for God in the eyes of my grandbabies. I will be thankful for the wonderful mommy that Tiffany expresses on daily basis.  I will thank God for a son in law that is a great provider for his wife and kids. I will thank for giving me a dad for 87 years and counting. I am thankful for a husband that I am happy to spend the rest of life with and watch who he has become in Jesus. I am thankful for my friends whom I get to pray for and that they pray for me. I am still thankful that God gave me Ej and in all of that I still believe in God. Be still and be in this moment.

Not my will but your will be done.

To say it has been a eventful week would be a understatement.  As I sit here quietly this morning and reflected on the last four or five days, and how God reveals himself to us if we just pay attention.  I believe he is always revealing but we are not always in tune.
Actually I believe God was preparing for the last few days over a week ago when he was preparing my heart while working on the Emmaus walk. I knew this walk was going to show me so much and require me to be in God's will because it was revealed to me before the walk that I would be working this walk for my friend Charmaine who had just lost her son Brian. I know that feeling of loss and no matter how much we love the Lord, the loss of a child consumes us. Brian went home just about 5 weeks before Charmaine, her husband Joel and many of their immediate family members was going to be working that same walk.  My talk I was giving was already in place and God had already given me the talk before Brian went home to be with Jesus. Anyway that reminded that God does not call the equipped, he equips the called. Not by not strength and power of my own do I share about Ej and the loss of a child. As I have prayed for Charmaine, Joel and Brian sister Amy, I have been reminded many times that we do not do these incredible hard things on our own but through Christ who gives us strength. Little did I know at the time that I would be faced with what happened on Monday night. And how much that taught me about a daddy's love.
Jack and I was in the living room and at 9:30 my cell phone rang. I seen it was my dad and I knew something was not right.  My dad ask me to come up and Jack and I immediately ran up to dad's where we seen him very sick, in a chair.  I ask dad what was wrong and he said he was having severe chest pain and his heart was beating 100mph. I said "dad we need to call a ambulance and he looked at me with such calm and peace and said no sis, if you just give me a few minutes I am dying and I just want you guys here with me so I will not alone. He wanted to go home but Jack and I wanted him to go to the hospital. He finally agreed but only if we took him. I was going to do what my father ask me to do even though my flesh was screaming call a ambulance.  Anyway we got him in the car and I drove to Somerset hospital which is about 25 minutes.  I thought of Ej. I thought of how my dad picked me up out of the kitchen floor when I heard Jack on the phone talking to his brother and saying Ej can't be dead. My dad picked me up and said Sis come on, I will help you up.  That was such picture of our heavenly father saying come on, I will pick you up.  Anyway on the way to the hospital, I prayed. My first question was who is going to pick me up when I fall. God said, I will pick you up, like I always have. My heart changed and it was time to practice what Jesus did. to practice and walk in what my biggest lesson through the loss of Ej was. To say to God, not my will but your will be done and mean it.  As soon as I uttered those words, I knew that no matter the outcome, it was going to be all right. Even though I knew that no matter the outcome, God was going to take care of us. At that moment I had peace that is beyond this world. Well the outcome was that God's will right now is that dad lives  After putting in two stents, dad is on the road to recovery. So to God be the glory and to me be the lesson. The lesson of trusting, no matter the circumstance.  And dad being dad is convinced that Jack's accident in his garage on Sunday might have made his condition worse.  I don't know if that is true but I always want to pray into the will of God. Do I struggle with that?  Yes, I do, I am still a spoiled child sometimes and want my will. In this journey of life we will have to do hard things, we will sometimes ask why me, we will have trials and tribulation. But he is who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.

Identity of who I am

I have blogged before a little on identity but it has really just been on my radar lately and it seems that God keeps bringing it to me in a lot of different ways over the past years. I believe my first identity crisis that was the most impacting was when Ej passed away. I remember thinking I have always been Ej's mom but now who am I.  It took many conversation with God to understand that I was Ej's mom and I am still Ej's mom. Of course I still felt like mom because I had Tiffany here with me, so she helped me hang on to my identity as mom.  But as I looked around me I began to understand the importance of our being by our identity.  Outside my bubble as I went to give my testimony at the jail and I sat behind the girls that was incarcerated, I could not help but see the really big INMATE sign on their back.  I was sad because I thought God, please don't let that identity stick to them because there is such freedom in know your identity.  Then last Sunday, a friend of Ej's  (Henry Cardwell) had just returned from a mission trip in Thailand and he spoke of many different things. The one thing that stuck in my head and in my heart was when he was talking about children that was born at home and some of them did not have a birth certificate. And even now that can't afford to get one.  Without the birth certificate the children could not attend school. Without the birth certificate it was like that don't exist. Wow, that was crushing for me. God and I have had lots of conversation about identity. I am so thankful that we are able to have a identity in Christ, no matter if we have a piece of paper to say who we are.  But that is easy for me to say because I have that birth certificate and I have been able to attend school, get married, travel to another country and have a career to make a living here on earth. And even though I know God has for some reason allowed me to have this, I am sure if I went to get my passport and I was to say well my identity is in Christ so issue me a passport without a birth certificate, chances are I would have been turned down.  So I don't know how this is going to happen but if God has gave me this task, I know it will happen.  I am excited to talk to Mike and Sherry (our Thailand missionaries) to find out how much it cost for these babies to get a birth certificate and if it is even human possible to get one.  If it is not humanly possible, I know it is God possible.  I am on a mission because identity has to start somewhere, so stay tuned and see what happens!

To catch a glimpse

This might be the one blog of mine that I don't know if I can explain. But you know me, I will give it a try. The random thing that made me think of this earlier was I was getting a bottle of water out of the fridge and a dream almost came to me. Please tell me that others have almost recalled a dreamed and before you get the memory of the full dream, you lose it.   It was just a glimpse and even though I know I had a moment that was oh so familiar, I could not for the life bring it to full circle. Sometimes I get that glimpse of God and know that it is him and I glance away only for a second and it is gone. Man that is the worst feeling because I know that God had something for me and bam I lost it.  For a moment my heart really skips a beat and I think oh I almost had it. I warned you guys that this random!  But it reminded me that when I take my eyes off God even for a second, I have missed what he has for me.  Since Ej has left to go stay with Jesus, I have had so many moment that I know as I know was God sent.  I know when I was growing up I had glimpses but I had not a clue how big that was.  My friend Donna says I always get God gifts because I am expecting one.  I don't mean that I am special but I believe that God is special and he is always sending us  so much and all we receive is glimpses.  Glimpses of Glory, glimpses of time, glimpses of mercy, glimpses of grace.  I believe sometimes that we are distracted and don't see God.  Then sometimes I realize that I have just missed it and how disappointed God is.  Not really disappointed in me, but disappointed because he knows, wow if Vickie would have got that, she would of loved that so much. Even writing that makes me cry.  I know God sends us things all the time and we could have so much more then a glimpse if we keep our eyes on Jesus. It is more then a glimpse when I sit quietly with Jesus and I know that is so much how he communicates. My prayer is that you and I get more then a glimpse, that we get a open heaven.  I have prayed and I believe that one day I will see a open heaven. And I don't want to wait to get to heaven to see a open heaven. I am praying that down to earth. I don't know if my heart could take it but I would love to give it a try.  Be intentional and want more then a glimpse.  Want more then a second.  Ask big, what do you have to lose...  God show me your glory!

A filmilar place.....

Tonight I am on the screen in porch. Not in the potting shed, where I am most of the time. Tonight this is a familiar a place I have sat many times, either waiting for the sound of the loud music coming down the road.  Ej's music on his radio always got here about 20 seconds before he would pull in the driveway. The sound of the music would always make me smile, because I knew that he was home safe and all was right in the world. Actually it is a little early for a Friday night but how I loved to hear him coming.  It is pretty quiet here except maybe the tree frogs but they was no match for Ej's stereo. When he was picking out his car, I believe the stereo was the most important. I still have his car. For some reason I know it is way past due for me to have a new car but I love his car.  At first I wasn't going to drive it but I could hear his little voice saying "mom, you have got to be kidding me, I got the car to drive and you should drive it. So I have now been driving it for almost nine years. I couldn't drive it at first but then after some months had went by, I started driving it.  Sometimes I even turn the stereo up really loud because that is what Ej would do. It is funny the things that make me feel close to him.  I was reminded today that when Ej was on his way to North Carolina that weekend, he called me on Friday night June 30 and said mom, I know what I want for my birthday! Would you please call and order me Cursive tickets (it is a band that Ej loved and went to lots of their venues.)  Anyway, I called and order his tickets and then called him back and told him that the tickets was on will call. The concert was on July 12 and I called him back and told him it was done. He reminded that I was the best mom in the world and I am thankful for that.  Ej would not get to go to that concert because he passed away on July 2, 2006.  It was on July 10th when our daughter Tiffany said to me and her dad.  Let's go to the concert!  The tickets was on will call for Jack Glenn and since Jack and Ej had the same name, we could pick up his tickets. So we loaded in the car and drove to northern Kentucky and watch Cursive. They was so kind and came and talked to us before the show and put us up in the loft while the concert played.  The best part was the lead singer held up a picture of Ej and said that he was suppose to be at the concert and that he had passed away.  As he was talking about Ej, you could hear a pin drop. He introduced me, Jack and Tiffany and the best part was all these 1000 or more 21 year olds started blowing us kisses. It was the best, these kids with their purple hair, tattoo's, piercings, and rockers was standing on their feet blowing kisses. I have held that memory and can still see all of them with their sweet hearts. What I though was going to be the worse night of my life turned out to be so meaningful. What great fans Cursive has and I will be ever so grateful that he honored our son.  Now in just four short days is Ej's birthday. He will be 32 years old...He was 12 days short of 23 when he passed away.  But what a gift from God. If I had it all to do again, I would gladly do it, even if I knew what I know now.  God really has gave me two great gifts...He gave us Tiffany and then he gave us Ej.  So I love to sit here in the familiar place, where if I close my eyes and listen really close, I can hear Ej's stereo getting here just before he pulled in the driveway. A sound I will never forget, a love I will never forget, a son I will never forget but most of all a gift of a lifetime. Until we meet again Ej, momma will always be thankful for her brown eyed boy...

Seeing God through the tears.

Wow, for the last couple of weeks I have had to see God through a veil of tears. Starting with the loss of a school mate that is my age and lost her bout with cancer but won her eternal life with God.  I have another school mate that even though in high school we did not circle with the same crowd, I always knew her and admire her and all that talent she was blessed with.  We have became very close over the past couple of years and I have followed her trials and her loss, but more then that I followed her courage as she lost her mother and her husband in the same year, while dealing with health issues. But her courage and her love for God, prayer and faith has encourage me so very much. Her name is Linda and she has fought like no other. It puts life in perspective and I need to be reminded of that. But I believe my biggest hurdle and my answers I received from God this last couple of weeks has been awesome.  A few weeks ago I got blessed to do my testimony at the jail for the women there.  As I sat behind them I was looking at their jail attire. Which consisted of awful bright green scrub like material and the great big letters on their backs that said INMATE. As I sat there I was thinking I wonder through my life what has been my identity that others gave me, or that I gave myself. Then I smiled because I thought they really could leave INMATE off of those uniforms because honestly the only people wearing that horrible outfit is a inmate. But anyway I realized that night that I am glad that I am not what I use to be. I am not where I am going to be but I am moving forward.  I had so much compassion for these girls and I know that some will change and some may never change but before I would have said they all are where they deserve to be.  I also thought "how blessed am I that God did not think the same thing about me."  If I got what I deserved well let's not go there.  Anyway, I cried for those ladies and prayed that God gives them a new identity.  Then on the Monday before memorial day weekend, I was really blue (just missing Ej) and I decided to go to the cemetery (that is probably not the best place to go when you are feeling blue) but when I am feeling blue I don't always make the best decisions.  Well when I got to the cemetery I discovered that some of Ej's things had been taken. Okay at this point I am not just blue but totally heart broken.  I was on my way to bunco (for my Ohio friends it is a game that us girlfriends play with dice) It is more about the friendship then the game. But that night my friends made me laugh like they always do. They are the kind of friends that will laugh with you, cry with you and I believe they would go to jail with you..lol  But anyway after that night I was reading the bible before I went to bed and it happen to be about the open tomb.  When Mary went to the tomb and Jesus was not there. She was ask who are you looking for.  Anyway it spoke to me and Jesus ask me why does it bother so that the material things are gone. It doesn't matter where you choose to remember Ej at on earth because he is not at the cemetery. Ej is home in heaven.  You put his body in the cemetery but Ej is home with me.  You can remember Ej anywhere. It was such an eye opener for me.  We did take Ej to the cemetery but that was not his home here on earth and that is not his home now.  His home here on earth is right here where I sit tonight sharing my thoughts. His home now is in heaven. I have spent the last almost nine years keeping his place at the cemetery all done up and all along I have wanted his memory here at home. So we are doing a memory garden that I can see daily and smile because Ej would know that is so his mom and dad. We love a project. So yes I know I will still cry because I miss Ej and I don't ever want to not miss Ej.  My despair keeps me connected to God.  Jack has always said that God does give us more then we can handle. Because God wants us to know that we don't handle brokenness. God is the one that handles what we can't. So yes through my tears I see God. I pray that God breaks my heart for what breaks his. I don't have the answers and understanding of sickness, loss of life or when bad things happen.  I know we live in a fallen world and I know that without my tears, my hurts, my disappointments, my I don't understands, I would be walking in this world thinking I could do it on my own. I can't do it on my own. As a matter of fact I can only do it with God.  I will still go to the cemetery from time to time but Ej's memory garden will be here at our home. At Ej's earthly home.  Just remember when the tears are falling, looking for Jesus. My best life is when I am seeking Jesus.

Things you did not know...To my daughter Tiffany

You are beautiful even when you think your not.  My mom showed me what a mom looked like, but you my sweet daughter taught me how to be a mom. Before you arrived on March 8, 1977, I had never fed or changed a baby before. I practiced on you and I loved you first.  Before you was born, I did not know what unconditional love was but at the very moment I saw you, I knew then.  You have brought so much joy to your dad and I.  I always looked forward to see your softball and volleyball games. I know I was your biggest fan and I still am. You are the one that can make me laugh at the worst of times.  That laugh where I can't maintain and even in church if we laugh, it is the best laugh ever. I don't know if you knew how happy your grandma was every time you surprised her with a visit. I don't know if you really know how much your babies love you. I don't know if you know how proud I am of the kind of mommy you are.  I don't think you know how incredibly smart you are and how I have always wanted to be as smart as you.  I knew you would be awesome at whatever you did and you are. I hope you know that even when it is hard to do the right thing, you still do what is right.  I know you don't do the right thing for you but you do the right thing for your boys. But most of all I want you to know that when we lost your brother, I only wanted to stay here on earth because you was here.  When I awoke in the morning, I always thanked God for you. That shows you that God has a plan and he planned it well. He knew how I would not be able to stay here on earth if I did not have someone that I loved as much as I loved Ej.  You are that one baby girl.  You are the reason why I stayed. You was the reason that I put one foot in front of the other. You did not get mad at me because I withdrew from life. Instead, you came back home to Kentucky to be with us. When you sat quietly on the sidelines, you did not know but you was my cheerleader.  You did not waiver even thought I knew your grief was over the top. I love your dad, I love my parents and oh how I love those grandbabies. But Tiffany I hope you will always know how much I love you and I will always be your biggest fan.  I love you to the moon and back and once around the universe...

Days like today

Wow, I so cherish days like today. When I am light hearted and not wearing a coat of heaviness. To spend the day that everything makes me smile and I know all is right in my place today.  These days when I can laugh even to the point that I crack me up. I so appreciate these days so very much. To spend the day with my friend that loves the simple things but it is very obvious that her life is so rich and so full of Christ that it puts life in perspective. Sometimes I do get out of sync, because of life, just like everyone else. But then God gives me what I need even when I don't know I need it. But I love at the end of the day when I can look at Jackson and say honey, I have had a good day and I can tell by the way he looks at me and gives me that sweet smile and says "I am happy you have a good day."  Then that makes my day even better because I know that Jack is really happy for me and understands what a good day means.  It is one of those days where it isn't a big thing, it is just lots of little things. Little things that string together to make a good day.  I have already thanked God many times today for this day. I am thankful that I recognize good days. My wish for you is that you realize, I mean really realize that you have had good day. I pray that you will not let your bad days overshadow your good days. I pray that no matter what has happened to you yesterday, today or tomorrow, that you do not live in defeat. That you understand that God wants us to have a abundant life. A life full of God, family, friends and a life filled with love and laughter.  I pray that you can find a blessing or several blessings in your circumstance.  No matter if the circumstance is good or the circumstance is bad. I love to always remember that there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning. Be blessed my friends and may the sunshine on your face tomorrow and all the days to follow:)

Always changing while God reminds the same

This week Jack and I have done lots of reading for our lent lessons.  As I have been reading it has dawned on me that even though this world is always changing, God remains the same. Our life has changed so very much. Marriages, children, loss of parents, loss of children, gain of grandchildren. Change of jobs, change of states and aging parents. I believe that pretty much sums up most of our lives in at least some of the things I have mention.  But as I read about God and what he wants for us is never changing. He desires a abundant life for us but for some reason we let life circumstance get in the way of a abundant life. Even the way I have thought about a abundant life has changed. When I was younger and before life really happened, I thought an abundant life meant having money, a nice house, be successful at work. My how I have changed. It went from having money to having enough of what God has given us. Not holding on so tightly to STUFF. From having a nice house to having a home full of God, love and laughter. I am thankful that I believe we have had that home for a really long time and a house is just shell. The home is what counts. Beings successful in the eyes of the world is nothing in comparison of being successful in the eyes of God. There is no doubt that life is going to change. We are going to loose family and friends. We are even going to loose family and friends that are still here on earth. I always have to remind myself to keep my eyes on God.  I will be honest, I still get sad, I will always miss the loved ones that have already went on to heaven.  But I know that God has this.  That he still wants me to have an abundant life.  Even when I don't see abundance, I feel abundance.  A God that keeps on giving. I lost my momma 15 years ago today, but my very best friend Pam got to give her a kiss for me as they loaded her in the ambulance.  I got to spend the whole Saturday with her the week before she passed away. Even though we ended up in the emergency room, I got to lay next to her on the small hospital bed and she spoke of things that I never knew before that night. I got to hold her hand until she fell asleep that night at the hospital. So many things that God allowed me to do.  What more could I ask for. It has made me remember that in the times of distressed or heartbreaking circumstance, if we keep our faith eyes open, God will give us what we need. A abundant life with a promise of a everlasting life. Everything changes but God remains the same.