Almost eight years and I am still here

Almost eight years, for some reason my mind just cannot comprehend it still. There is days when I think still, how can this be? How can I just keep moving on but I know because of God is how I keep moving on. Sometimes I still feel like it is a dream and I think to myself that when I wake in the morning my life will be what it started out to be.  The time when I wake up and think wondering what Tiffany is doing today, wondering what Ej's plans are for the day.  I am thankful that I get to still say I wonder what Tiffany will do here on earth today. Then I say I wonder what Ej is doing in heaven today.
My sweet baby boy (well baby boy to me) is not here and sometimes when I close my eyes, I think it is the time before sleep but not really awake, I get a flash of Ej's sweet face and it makes me open my eyes immediately. He is so close and so real and then some days it seems he is on a journey and he seems far away. That is the thing about grief, it does not come with a manual, it does not come with rhyme or reason, but it always comes.  Sometimes it comes because of holidays or dates that are mile stones or special dates, but mostly it comes right out of left field and hits you like a ton of bricks.  For just a few seconds I honestly don't think I will be able to breath and the grief comes over you like the grief after the shock wears off. Oh and that is another thing, the shock stays with you for a long time but it never goes away forever. The shock takes breaks but so far the shock visits often.
It seems my relief comes when I speak what my heart feels. I think the heart fills up with stuff and it has to be released, so I guess this is my outlet to empty.
I think I get a little squirrely this time of year because the last 6 weeks of Ej's life is burned in my mind. So it seems each day reminds me of what was happening and how all things seem so normal then. Now there is a new normal that we have been implementing for the last almost eight years. We really don't know what that looks like but with Gods guidance, I know a new normal is coming. So with that being said I guess I will end with a Ej funny story. As most stories with Ej was comical.
It was mother's day 2006, and Ej had just got his brand new car in March. A car that he saved for and bought his self. But anyway he pulled up in front of the house with his HHR and got out of the car. His dad and I was on the front porch when he got out of his car and walked around to the hatchback. He open the back and said mom, I have you a bird bath for mother's day because that is what you have wanted. He said this should prove that I love because I have just hauled concrete in my new car you.  Jack and I laughed and I said well son, I have always wondered if you really loved me and I am so glad that you have finally proved your love for your mom.  What an awesome son God gave me and you know when you have a beautiful gift that you just treasure and want to hold on tightly to forever. My heart gets the part that Ej was a gift, but it was a gift for a time. Ej belonged and belongs to God, I am blessed to be the mom of Tiffany and Ej.  And the answer is yes, I am still Ej's mom and he is still my son just like I am still Tiffany's mom and she is my daughter. The only difference is Tiffany lives here on earth and Ej lives in heaven. My cup still runneth over because God has given me so much more then I deserve and God is still with me and understands that I miss my wonderful gift but God also assures me that I will see my gift again someday.  Okay I guess I am done and I hope you understand grief it is unexplainable and we never know when grief will overwhelm us or when it will give us a rest. I miss you sweet son of mine and some sweet day we will be together.

Baby Ansley has arrived!

Baby Ansley is her name, and filling our sails is her game!    Well it has been a really long time since I last posted. I think it was last July at Ej's thirtieth birthday celebration of life. I don't have a clue where time goes but it keeps on moving. For me, I am glad to see it moving because everything stopped in the life of Jack and Vickie for about 7 1/2 years. But life is back and it come in the form of a new grand daughter, born on January 17, 2014 and weighing in at 7lbs 14oz.  Which by the way happens to be EJ's birthday 7/14. Coincidence, I choose to think not.  God has been faithful to always let me know that he has Ej and that everything will work out in accordance to God's plan. Jack and I have lived in death for so long that it was like a beautiful breeze blew our way and filled our sails. That breeze has a name, Ansley Jay Whitis..Yes please take note of the middle name. Tiffany named her Jay after Ej because her whole life she called him Jay. I was so thankful that she gets to carry part of her Uncle Ej's name. My prayer is that she has a beautiful, fun, God filled life. I hope she grows up to know that her papa and I love her so very much and she is just what we needed to sail again. God always has a plan, even when we cannot see. I believe she is a gift from God, just like our grandsons Carson and Kade. I have been sad for Carson and Kade because they knew Uncle Ej, but then he was taken away.  I will never forget that about a year after Ej passed away, we was riding down the road and Carson from the back seat said "nana" as I looked in the rear view mirror, to see his little eyes full of tears he ask the question "where in this world are we going to find a bull as good as Uncle EJ.  It was heartbreaking because I knew that there would never be another bull as good as Uncle EJ.  Uncle EJ would take turns with Carson and Kade and ride them on his back in the living room, trying and sometimes succeeding in bucking them off into the floor. With so much laughter, they would say Uncle Ej please let me ride again. That is one of those moments that takes my breath away. Another one of those moments was the first cry that I heard standing outside the hospital room when Ansley was born. I thought for sure my heart was going to stop and I knew that God had a plan for that hurting spot that Jack and I share. Jack told me that day that we could have life again and not live in the death mode. Do we miss Ej? Absolutely, every single day I miss my son, but it is different now, we have a little baby grand daughter that will know her Uncle Ej by her brothers stories and by our stories of him. God has blessed us with so many memories and with a son that will never be forgotten, with a daughter that is beautiful to the core of her soul, two grandsons that gave us the reason to live when we did not want to. And now baby Ansley who we will be blessed to watch her grow and see what she becomes. I thank God for all his plans, no matter if I understand or not. To know that God is God on the mountain just like God is God in the valley. God has gave me more then I deserve. God has put wind in our sails and the name of that wind is Ansley Jay!  We love you, Tiffany, Chad, Carson, Kade and Ansley Jay. Thanks for carrying your papa and I through!

long time no post....

Well it has been a long time since I last post..where does time go?  It has been a blur since May.  We have been so blessed to have visits from family and friends, so I guess that is why time has flew by.  We got to have a celebration of life for Ej in July. It did mine, Jack's  heart good to have such a great turn out.  Ej would be thirty years old and I know that he is in the presence of God... I know that I could of not survive if I did not know God. That is what gets me through this life, this month, this week, this day, this hour, this minute. Our friend Brad Bulla lost his son August 3, 2005 and today I read about one of Brad,s friends (who also lost his daughter) anyway Brad posted how he and his friend encouraged one another along the way..it made me think of the many friends that I have had to encourage me, Jack, and tiffany along our way. God always provides for us even when tears are clouding our eye's.  So thankful that Brad 's post reminded me of the blessings of friends. God even puts people in our path that have experienced the same grief that we have. I love all our friends and I have such a special bond with those that understand my heart.  My prayer is that we always can be a friend to others. I hope that Jack and I can encourage others like we have been encouraged. Thanks Brad and Tracy, we will never forget Christmas eve in the potting shed, crying, laughing and remembering Jed and Ej! Thanks for our own little music venue..

mothers past present and future

As I reflect on mother's day...I cry, I smile and I am in awe of what God's plan is.  It always was about my mom, even when I had children...mother's day wasn't about me. I could only hope that I was even half the mom that my mom was. God blessed me with Tiffany and Ej..and I am so thankful for what he has given me..not only did I get tiff and ej but I also got two beautiful grandsons...now I watch my daughter who us now the mom. She is an amazing mother. She had wonderful role models in my mom and in my grandmother's..I believe God made women to be the toughest mom and the most compassionate mom all in one.  So many women have influence my life in so many ways and for that I am thankful...Thanks mom, granny, grandma Lockhart, aunt Loretta, aunt Shirley, and my beautiful daughter Tiffany and my other daughter (who isn't our daughter by blood but our daughter by love) kristi....you all mean the world to me...

I am Ej & Tiffany's mom

As I was thinking about God this morning and how we as in the flesh, because we don't see with our physical eyes. We have a hard time believing. We do not physically see our God (yet) but that does not make him any less our God. We have to see God in things around us..For me I see him most when I am outdoors, especially at night in the stars and the moon.
So my best analogue of this is I am Tiffany's mom. You can physically see that. Because she is here and you can see her with eyes. (and you know from the way she acts sometimes, she is mine...lol) Then there is Ej, who is not physically here but I am still his mom. We don't physically see Ej anymore. But I see Ej with my faith eyes. I see Ej in dreams and vision (that by the way is nothing to do with me or Ej) but has everything to do with what God gives us. I cannot see Ej with my natural eyes but he is still my son, and I am still his mother. I cannot see God with my natural eyes but he is still my father and I am still his daughter. When we understand how much our faith eyes impact our lives, it will shows us things that our natural eyes cannot see. Some of you know Tiffany and Ej and it is easy to believe that both are my children, but for those who have never met Ej, how do you really know that he is mine. You know that by faith. Yes, you see evidence in pictures of Ej with us and you know by what others have said that I do have a son (a very real son) that I am his mom. You have seen Tiffany and still can see Tiffany and I am her mom. But we have that same evidence of God in the bible. We see that same evidence when we see the creation that has given to us. You have seen miracles and wonders, and if you did not recognize the miracles and wonders does that mean they don't exist. I am thankful for the faith that is beyond my understanding that God has blessed me with. But you have to know that faith is for everyone. You can have that same faith by seeking God, by reading his word, by stepping out of the boat. How are you ever going to know if you can walk on water if you never step out of the boat..I am Tiffany and Ej's mom, I am God's daughter and God is my father. That is just the facts. May God show you something amazing today..Let me rephrase that. May you SEE the amazing things that God is going to show you today...Peace, love and blessings

A GOOD LAND

For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land-a land with brooks, streams, and deep springs gushing out into the valleys and hills; Deuteronomy 8:7
This is what God gave to me first thing this morning. So I sat down and read Deuteronomy 8. It made me think of how God gives us promises that WE do not claim. It would be like someone giving you a new house and even though it is your house, you will not live there because you did not take the key to your new house, unlock the door and move in!
God has given us so much but because we are sheep (head down and never looking up) we do not receive what has been given to us. Don't you think that would be so frustrating to God. I guess frustrating would not be the right word. That would be our human word! I think more like heartbreaking to God. I am guilty of not claiming my promises. I let the enemy tell me that God meant that promise for someone else! Not me! I always feel like God says my middle name a lot. You know like VICKIE DEnise will you ever get this. I feel like that I am on another spiritiually growing place right now. You know when your heart races wehn you that what is God going to do next.
Jack and I are on a new adventure and with my natural eyes, I get a little nervous. With my faith eyes, I see that nothing is impossible wehen we are in God's will. So I believe that was what God was giving me this morning. I could have just brushed it off but I chose to get in the word of God to see what God was trying to tell me. It told me that God is bringing us into a good land-a land with brooks, streams and deep springs GUSHING out into the valleys and hills.  I am not believing what the enemy wants me to believe. His lies is this land is too big for you, that the giants live in this land, and that I need to stay where is is comfortable.That is time to take a leap of faith. So we are leaping! Please keep us in your prayers that we are in God's will. It would be good for your soul to read Deuteronomy 8 today and listed to what promise God has for you and claim that promise. May your 2013 bring you into the a good land-a land with brooks, streams, and deep streams gushing out into the valleys and hills! Peace, love and BLESSINGS to all of you.

Roller Coaster!

Well that is how explain about my life. ROLLER COASTER! Yesterday was a very hard day for Jack and I. It really has no rhyme or no reason. Some times I know what opens the floodgates of tears and some days not so much. I am so very blessed to have the friends that I do. Friends that can't phytham the loss of a child but they are so clued in on how it must hurt.
One thing that I want to say is that I am always amazed when someone says that I inspire them. Let me insert here (it is no way, shape or form) me that is doing the inspiring. I know as I know that the inspiring comes from God. I know when I have my melt downs that God never has a melt down. I know that when I just can't get this head wrapped around my situation that God is all over it.
I guess the first part of my struggle (this week) started Saturday when I was making my nieces and nephews their little gifts from Jack and I. I can't say too much about that (don't want to give away the gift part to nieces and nephews) but that stirred up that all the kids will be here, all except Ej. So not much sleep on Saturday night. I did not feel like going to church on Sunday but I did and of course the sermen included not giving your all and coming to church just because is not good enough. But anyway, after the service, a lady at the church that reminds me so much of my mom grabbed me and gave me a hug. And she said you was on mind last night and so I prayed for you. Norma Coffey that made me cry all the way home. To think that someone thinks of me and prays for me, just like my mom would have. Now do I need to insert that God has got this. So then come Monday night when it was time to wrap the gifts, well going down again. Still not giving too much away in cases sneaking nieces and newphews are reading this. It made me wonder what Ej's interest would be today and what he would be doing. I think I have shared this before but there is just days that I SHOULD NOT GO THERE! But I did! Round two of melt down pursued and was with me on Tuesday. That is when God sent Donna (her daughter Amanda is in heaven with Ej and they are comet jumping) Anyway God sent her to my office where she looked at me and said HONEY what is wrong and then she followed up with well that was a dumb question because I know what is wrong. By the time she left my office, I was better and she always makes me feel better. See God has sent me another mother that has lost a child to comfort me and give me wisdom of a Jesus Girl! Thanks Donna!  And I might insert here that all the sweet little friends on fb, that share kind words and comments that make m e feel better. Then Jack took me to Somerset last night to watch our little Kade (grandson) play basketball. It done my heart good to do a little coaching. Well actually I am not the coach but I am the nana who thinks she is the coach. So God let me think I know enough about basketball to do a little bleacher coaching...lol. So last but not least was my conversation with my other friend Julie Beckman who has got to be the sweetest person...And she has loads of compassion that I think God blessed her with. When those words was said that I inspire her..That is so funny to me because most the time I am doing all I possibly can to get by. But that is where God comes in once again. I CANNOT do anything without him leading and guiding and trying to make me understand that I am not controlling this life but God is. And I am thankful that God is patient with me because if he was not God, I would have already wore him out and would have made him quit. But I am thankful that he keeps sending me all the people I get to conversate with. He sends all of my friends just in time and with the right words and all I can say is I AM SO BLESSED, I AM SO THANKFUL that God or my friends have not walked away saying you are too much of a mess for me to stay. Please have the best Christmas ever with your children. Love them and when they are on your last nerve love them a little more. God has got me thus far and believe me when I say that it is miles further then I could have got on my own. It is not me, it is God.