Seeing God through the tears.

Wow, for the last couple of weeks I have had to see God through a veil of tears. Starting with the loss of a school mate that is my age and lost her bout with cancer but won her eternal life with God.  I have another school mate that even though in high school we did not circle with the same crowd, I always knew her and admire her and all that talent she was blessed with.  We have became very close over the past couple of years and I have followed her trials and her loss, but more then that I followed her courage as she lost her mother and her husband in the same year, while dealing with health issues. But her courage and her love for God, prayer and faith has encourage me so very much. Her name is Linda and she has fought like no other. It puts life in perspective and I need to be reminded of that. But I believe my biggest hurdle and my answers I received from God this last couple of weeks has been awesome.  A few weeks ago I got blessed to do my testimony at the jail for the women there.  As I sat behind them I was looking at their jail attire. Which consisted of awful bright green scrub like material and the great big letters on their backs that said INMATE. As I sat there I was thinking I wonder through my life what has been my identity that others gave me, or that I gave myself. Then I smiled because I thought they really could leave INMATE off of those uniforms because honestly the only people wearing that horrible outfit is a inmate. But anyway I realized that night that I am glad that I am not what I use to be. I am not where I am going to be but I am moving forward.  I had so much compassion for these girls and I know that some will change and some may never change but before I would have said they all are where they deserve to be.  I also thought "how blessed am I that God did not think the same thing about me."  If I got what I deserved well let's not go there.  Anyway, I cried for those ladies and prayed that God gives them a new identity.  Then on the Monday before memorial day weekend, I was really blue (just missing Ej) and I decided to go to the cemetery (that is probably not the best place to go when you are feeling blue) but when I am feeling blue I don't always make the best decisions.  Well when I got to the cemetery I discovered that some of Ej's things had been taken. Okay at this point I am not just blue but totally heart broken.  I was on my way to bunco (for my Ohio friends it is a game that us girlfriends play with dice) It is more about the friendship then the game. But that night my friends made me laugh like they always do. They are the kind of friends that will laugh with you, cry with you and I believe they would go to jail with you..lol  But anyway after that night I was reading the bible before I went to bed and it happen to be about the open tomb.  When Mary went to the tomb and Jesus was not there. She was ask who are you looking for.  Anyway it spoke to me and Jesus ask me why does it bother so that the material things are gone. It doesn't matter where you choose to remember Ej at on earth because he is not at the cemetery. Ej is home in heaven.  You put his body in the cemetery but Ej is home with me.  You can remember Ej anywhere. It was such an eye opener for me.  We did take Ej to the cemetery but that was not his home here on earth and that is not his home now.  His home here on earth is right here where I sit tonight sharing my thoughts. His home now is in heaven. I have spent the last almost nine years keeping his place at the cemetery all done up and all along I have wanted his memory here at home. So we are doing a memory garden that I can see daily and smile because Ej would know that is so his mom and dad. We love a project. So yes I know I will still cry because I miss Ej and I don't ever want to not miss Ej.  My despair keeps me connected to God.  Jack has always said that God does give us more then we can handle. Because God wants us to know that we don't handle brokenness. God is the one that handles what we can't. So yes through my tears I see God. I pray that God breaks my heart for what breaks his. I don't have the answers and understanding of sickness, loss of life or when bad things happen.  I know we live in a fallen world and I know that without my tears, my hurts, my disappointments, my I don't understands, I would be walking in this world thinking I could do it on my own. I can't do it on my own. As a matter of fact I can only do it with God.  I will still go to the cemetery from time to time but Ej's memory garden will be here at our home. At Ej's earthly home.  Just remember when the tears are falling, looking for Jesus. My best life is when I am seeking Jesus.

Things you did not know...To my daughter Tiffany

You are beautiful even when you think your not.  My mom showed me what a mom looked like, but you my sweet daughter taught me how to be a mom. Before you arrived on March 8, 1977, I had never fed or changed a baby before. I practiced on you and I loved you first.  Before you was born, I did not know what unconditional love was but at the very moment I saw you, I knew then.  You have brought so much joy to your dad and I.  I always looked forward to see your softball and volleyball games. I know I was your biggest fan and I still am. You are the one that can make me laugh at the worst of times.  That laugh where I can't maintain and even in church if we laugh, it is the best laugh ever. I don't know if you knew how happy your grandma was every time you surprised her with a visit. I don't know if you really know how much your babies love you. I don't know if you know how proud I am of the kind of mommy you are.  I don't think you know how incredibly smart you are and how I have always wanted to be as smart as you.  I knew you would be awesome at whatever you did and you are. I hope you know that even when it is hard to do the right thing, you still do what is right.  I know you don't do the right thing for you but you do the right thing for your boys. But most of all I want you to know that when we lost your brother, I only wanted to stay here on earth because you was here.  When I awoke in the morning, I always thanked God for you. That shows you that God has a plan and he planned it well. He knew how I would not be able to stay here on earth if I did not have someone that I loved as much as I loved Ej.  You are that one baby girl.  You are the reason why I stayed. You was the reason that I put one foot in front of the other. You did not get mad at me because I withdrew from life. Instead, you came back home to Kentucky to be with us. When you sat quietly on the sidelines, you did not know but you was my cheerleader.  You did not waiver even thought I knew your grief was over the top. I love your dad, I love my parents and oh how I love those grandbabies. But Tiffany I hope you will always know how much I love you and I will always be your biggest fan.  I love you to the moon and back and once around the universe...

Days like today

Wow, I so cherish days like today. When I am light hearted and not wearing a coat of heaviness. To spend the day that everything makes me smile and I know all is right in my place today.  These days when I can laugh even to the point that I crack me up. I so appreciate these days so very much. To spend the day with my friend that loves the simple things but it is very obvious that her life is so rich and so full of Christ that it puts life in perspective. Sometimes I do get out of sync, because of life, just like everyone else. But then God gives me what I need even when I don't know I need it. But I love at the end of the day when I can look at Jackson and say honey, I have had a good day and I can tell by the way he looks at me and gives me that sweet smile and says "I am happy you have a good day."  Then that makes my day even better because I know that Jack is really happy for me and understands what a good day means.  It is one of those days where it isn't a big thing, it is just lots of little things. Little things that string together to make a good day.  I have already thanked God many times today for this day. I am thankful that I recognize good days. My wish for you is that you realize, I mean really realize that you have had good day. I pray that you will not let your bad days overshadow your good days. I pray that no matter what has happened to you yesterday, today or tomorrow, that you do not live in defeat. That you understand that God wants us to have a abundant life. A life full of God, family, friends and a life filled with love and laughter.  I pray that you can find a blessing or several blessings in your circumstance.  No matter if the circumstance is good or the circumstance is bad. I love to always remember that there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning. Be blessed my friends and may the sunshine on your face tomorrow and all the days to follow:)

Always changing while God reminds the same

This week Jack and I have done lots of reading for our lent lessons.  As I have been reading it has dawned on me that even though this world is always changing, God remains the same. Our life has changed so very much. Marriages, children, loss of parents, loss of children, gain of grandchildren. Change of jobs, change of states and aging parents. I believe that pretty much sums up most of our lives in at least some of the things I have mention.  But as I read about God and what he wants for us is never changing. He desires a abundant life for us but for some reason we let life circumstance get in the way of a abundant life. Even the way I have thought about a abundant life has changed. When I was younger and before life really happened, I thought an abundant life meant having money, a nice house, be successful at work. My how I have changed. It went from having money to having enough of what God has given us. Not holding on so tightly to STUFF. From having a nice house to having a home full of God, love and laughter. I am thankful that I believe we have had that home for a really long time and a house is just shell. The home is what counts. Beings successful in the eyes of the world is nothing in comparison of being successful in the eyes of God. There is no doubt that life is going to change. We are going to loose family and friends. We are even going to loose family and friends that are still here on earth. I always have to remind myself to keep my eyes on God.  I will be honest, I still get sad, I will always miss the loved ones that have already went on to heaven.  But I know that God has this.  That he still wants me to have an abundant life.  Even when I don't see abundance, I feel abundance.  A God that keeps on giving. I lost my momma 15 years ago today, but my very best friend Pam got to give her a kiss for me as they loaded her in the ambulance.  I got to spend the whole Saturday with her the week before she passed away. Even though we ended up in the emergency room, I got to lay next to her on the small hospital bed and she spoke of things that I never knew before that night. I got to hold her hand until she fell asleep that night at the hospital. So many things that God allowed me to do.  What more could I ask for. It has made me remember that in the times of distressed or heartbreaking circumstance, if we keep our faith eyes open, God will give us what we need. A abundant life with a promise of a everlasting life. Everything changes but God remains the same.

The relentless Child

You know the child that cannot let go of something. When they ask question after question and still you don't have the right answer for them.  Well that has been me lately. The relentless child of God, is who I am. Even though I don't think I will get the answers I want or even the answers I don't want. I still ask.  This is what I think of when I can't sleep at night. It starts out simple enough, I wake up and most of the time when I wake up in the night I have the most deepest, heart wrenching conversations with God. When it is dark and everything is still, I ask God what Ej is doing. I thank God for giving me such an amazing son and thank God for my sweet daughter. But then the relentless child comes out and I have ask again..Why God? Why Ej? Why was it his time? Why did you give me such a great son and take him home so soon.  Why was Ej in North Carolina? Was that for him God? Or was that for his dad and me?  Am I missing something God in the whole story? Is it something I did? Is it something I didn't do? Was you protecting him God?  Why was Ej smiling that amazing smile? What did he see God. Did he see his grandma Lockaby or did he see his grandma Zona?  Was he afraid God? Did he look for me or did he know that I was not there ? Yes and that is only a small list of questions that I ask all the time. But then I think this my questions does not surprise God, he knows what I am going to ask even before the question crosses my lips. God knew this loss would change Jack and I forever. God knows that when Ansley gets a little bit sick or when Carson goes hunting or when Kade gets croup that my heart sinks. God knows all of this and yet he still listen to his relentless child. Sometimes we cannot understand and I would imagine that is where his word comes in that says For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9   That answer is the answer I always get, and God knows that I will ask again and again. God knows that I am his relentless child and that is okay with him and for that I am thankful. I know that I ask a lot of questions God but you also know that I am truly thankful for all that I have been given. I am thankful for those conversation in the middle of the night when the world is asleep and it is only You and I.....love your relentless child

Time in a bottle

Today is such a special day in the Glenn/Whitis family. Today Ansley Jay will be one year old already. One thing for sure God sure sent us more than a grand daughter, he sent us life once again.  We are so grateful for our grandchildren.  Carson the oldest is almost 14 and I think he remembers Ej the most. He is quiet about it but sometimes he just pops out a memory of Ej.  Kade our almost thirteen year old reminds me of Ej, because he has that all giving heart and he is laid back and loves Ej's style of clothes, as a matter of fact he picked out several last time he was over, mostly vintage tee's.  Then along came Ansley Jay (aka sassy). Her momma always called Ej by the name of Jay.
So that is where she got the name Jay. So blessed that Carson and Kade got to actual hang out with Ej but sad because they know what they are missing in a Uncle.  So blessed for Ansley because even though she did not know Ej earthly, my friend Diane reminded me that maybe she knew him before she got here. That sounds impossible for most, but that is not impossible for God.
One year old today is what Ansley Jay is. I thought of the song if I could keep time in a bottle.  But the reality is that time is just kept somewhere in our head. That is not the reality. God gave us time and that time may be long, may be short or may be somewhere in the middle. One thing I can promise is that it is not enough time. So today we will live in the moment. We will celebrate our baby girl. We have and will continue to thank God for our precious sassy. We thank God for all that he has given us. Our children and our grandchildren. Have a great day with your loved ones today because there is no such thing as time in a bottle. Happy Birthday beautiful, smart, and sassy, our wonderful gift from God.  Be all that God wants you to be. 

The missing part of my soul during holidays

This time of year floods my mind, my heart, and my soul.  So many emotions from the very high to the very low.  I know part of it is reflection of what will never be again and part of is just so much thankfulness of God and his plan.  The plan that I don't get sometimes but I know in my heart it is a beautiful, marvelous plan that is so far from what I can capture in my mind.  I am thankful of so many things but in my soul, I will be honest it is a sadness that sometimes just makes my eyes flood with tears and loneliness that would stop me in my tracks if not for God.  This time of year I really have to cling to him.  I have to be faithful in believing his promises and intentional about my thankfulness. 
The sadness isn't just about Ej not being here, even though I am sure that it is a big part of it.  I am sad for the ones that have never had anyone to make them feel loved and cherished.  The ones that are alone everyday and holidays just intensifies that loneliness a million times over.
To be quiet honest I believe that even on my most joyous holidays I have had that sadness in my soul at the holidays, but I don't think I knew what is was.  I know that I have been blessed with much more then I could ever imagine or even deserved.  I believe that God knows that loneliness with drive me to help others during the holidays.  To not be a commercial Christmas but to be a Christ Christmas.  To smile, to love, to be thankful to show someone that no matter the circumstance that they are cherish and loved.  Cherished and loved by God.  The one that we want to be cherished and loved by.  My prayer is that even if it is just one person, that I touch this holiday that I touch them with the light of God.  I long for the missing part of me to be filled here on earth like it will be in heaven.  I believe that God wants us to have that heavenly realm here on earth.  That all of us walk in the Joy of the Lord.  The joy of the Lord has nothing to do with our circumstance but everything to do with who God is..  Be kind this holiday season...Be Christ like....Meet someone at the well and I will do the same...Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas to all of you.  My beautiful friends and family...You are loved:)