It is just the little things

This morning at church as people was coming into the sanctuary, Jack and I had already got seated.  I looked over and started to say something Jack when I seen him intently starring at someone or something and I knew it was big. So as my eyes moved to the direction of what he was starring I saw our associate pastor standing and talking to his son. But at that very moment Dennis (the associate pastor put his hands around his sons collar and fixed his collar.  At that moment Jack did not have to say anything I already felt his pain.  It is always there but there is some moments, especially the little things that are hard.  I knew at that moment Jack wanted to fix Ej's collar but he could not and at that moment I was heartbroken for us.  I was heartbroken for Jack for not having Ej and I was heartbroken for me for not having my husband and my son to watch them together.  As church started and the praise band got up to play and I sat there watching Josh (the associate pastor's son) play the guitar (which is what Ej played)  I could not help but think it is the small things in life that hit you like a ton of bricks.  It is the small things in life that has the greatest impact.  Yesterday on our way home with the grand sons our oldest grand son started talking to siri on his I phone. He had me and grandpa laughing so hard. And I know that is something that Jack and I will remember for all our life.  Anyway it dawned on me in church that must be how God is with us. That it is not the big grand things that we do (because that is usually for our gratification) but the small things.  The things like saying thank you God for who you are.  To make God just rare back and laugh at us. Even though sometimes I am really bad about wanting so badly to understand, I read his word and it says his ways are not our ways.  Or our ways are not his ways.  But even when it is hard and it makes me cry for the reminder of the day I am thankful for all the little things that we got to share with Ej.  Because all those little things has gave us so much joy. Even as hard as it was to watch Dennis and Josh, we are so thankful for the love between a father and son. It's just the little things that catch us off guard and reminds us that God is here to catch us when we are falling.  We are so very blessed for all that we have.  We are so very blessed to call our pastor our friend.  Josh plays in the praise band sometimes and we so are so blessed to watch him offer music to God.  Even though Josh does not know it, we have talked about how we love to see him in the praise band.  My hope is that Ej is playing in the praise band in heaven and that every now and then God reaches around him and fixes his collar.  After all it is the little things!

Eight years and counting

To say it has been a rough week would be a understatement.  All that runs through this head of mine is my prayer to God that goes like this.  Eight years God, how can it be eight years and how many more years before I see my son.
I grieve so much more then just for Ej.  I grieve the life that use to be mine. I grieve what could have been. I grieve the life that my daughter tiffany had before her mom and dad was consumed with this grief. I grieve the little things like Ej sleeping so soundly that it took a earthquake to wake him up. I just flat out grieve normal because the new normal isn't ever going to be normal.
But with that being said, I am so thankful what God shows me everyday and I often wondering why I missed so much of what God has always shown me. God gave us so very much right up to the day that Ej left to go to North Carolina. He whispered to me to leave work and go home to say good bye to Ej.  He whispered the same thing to Jack, to go home and say good bye to Ej. I know that was God because Ej had went away on several occasions before and not one time did Jack and I leave work to come home and tell him bye. We was absolutely blessed by God to come home and both of us got to kiss him goodbye. And for that I am thankful. Even though at the time I did not put everything together. It was not for a few years that we knew that God knew what we needed. And even last week during bible study with Laura Harris did he show me another something that I was not aware of.  Everyday I know that God will give me something and it may be little but it is bigger then the universe to me. This morning when we got up and was having coffee tears filled my eyes and heart as I thought tomorrow will be the date of the last time I physically seen Ej, here on earth. Jack and I discussed it for a moment and then we thought it would be a good time to do our daily devotional. Todays devotional started like this. As you get out of be in the morning, be aware of my presence with you. You may not be thinking clearly yet but I am. Your early morning thoughts seem to be a little anxious until you get connected with me. That is what my devotional said. Really this stuff is to good to make up. So for that I am thankful. God gave me the best memories and I am thankful for that too.  My very best memory was when Ej and I talked on Saturday night July 1, 2006. We said our I love you's and when I was getting ready to hang up I heard him say MOM MOM.. I put the phone back up to my ear and I said "what is it, son"?  He said have I ever told you that I love you more then anyone in the whole world.  I sort of laughed and said I do you too son!  Again I got a gift from God and I am so thankful I was on the house phone, because if it would of been my cell phone I would have missed those sweet words that otherwise I would of not heard.  Who knew the house phone would be the size of the universe to me!  Just thought I would share today, I always feel better if I can just get down on paper.  Give all your babies one extra hug and kiss today and it wouldn't hurt to let them have ice cream for dinner!

Almost eight years and I am still here

Almost eight years, for some reason my mind just cannot comprehend it still. There is days when I think still, how can this be? How can I just keep moving on but I know because of God is how I keep moving on. Sometimes I still feel like it is a dream and I think to myself that when I wake in the morning my life will be what it started out to be.  The time when I wake up and think wondering what Tiffany is doing today, wondering what Ej's plans are for the day.  I am thankful that I get to still say I wonder what Tiffany will do here on earth today. Then I say I wonder what Ej is doing in heaven today.
My sweet baby boy (well baby boy to me) is not here and sometimes when I close my eyes, I think it is the time before sleep but not really awake, I get a flash of Ej's sweet face and it makes me open my eyes immediately. He is so close and so real and then some days it seems he is on a journey and he seems far away. That is the thing about grief, it does not come with a manual, it does not come with rhyme or reason, but it always comes.  Sometimes it comes because of holidays or dates that are mile stones or special dates, but mostly it comes right out of left field and hits you like a ton of bricks.  For just a few seconds I honestly don't think I will be able to breath and the grief comes over you like the grief after the shock wears off. Oh and that is another thing, the shock stays with you for a long time but it never goes away forever. The shock takes breaks but so far the shock visits often.
It seems my relief comes when I speak what my heart feels. I think the heart fills up with stuff and it has to be released, so I guess this is my outlet to empty.
I think I get a little squirrely this time of year because the last 6 weeks of Ej's life is burned in my mind. So it seems each day reminds me of what was happening and how all things seem so normal then. Now there is a new normal that we have been implementing for the last almost eight years. We really don't know what that looks like but with Gods guidance, I know a new normal is coming. So with that being said I guess I will end with a Ej funny story. As most stories with Ej was comical.
It was mother's day 2006, and Ej had just got his brand new car in March. A car that he saved for and bought his self. But anyway he pulled up in front of the house with his HHR and got out of the car. His dad and I was on the front porch when he got out of his car and walked around to the hatchback. He open the back and said mom, I have you a bird bath for mother's day because that is what you have wanted. He said this should prove that I love because I have just hauled concrete in my new car you.  Jack and I laughed and I said well son, I have always wondered if you really loved me and I am so glad that you have finally proved your love for your mom.  What an awesome son God gave me and you know when you have a beautiful gift that you just treasure and want to hold on tightly to forever. My heart gets the part that Ej was a gift, but it was a gift for a time. Ej belonged and belongs to God, I am blessed to be the mom of Tiffany and Ej.  And the answer is yes, I am still Ej's mom and he is still my son just like I am still Tiffany's mom and she is my daughter. The only difference is Tiffany lives here on earth and Ej lives in heaven. My cup still runneth over because God has given me so much more then I deserve and God is still with me and understands that I miss my wonderful gift but God also assures me that I will see my gift again someday.  Okay I guess I am done and I hope you understand grief it is unexplainable and we never know when grief will overwhelm us or when it will give us a rest. I miss you sweet son of mine and some sweet day we will be together.

Baby Ansley has arrived!

Baby Ansley is her name, and filling our sails is her game!    Well it has been a really long time since I last posted. I think it was last July at Ej's thirtieth birthday celebration of life. I don't have a clue where time goes but it keeps on moving. For me, I am glad to see it moving because everything stopped in the life of Jack and Vickie for about 7 1/2 years. But life is back and it come in the form of a new grand daughter, born on January 17, 2014 and weighing in at 7lbs 14oz.  Which by the way happens to be EJ's birthday 7/14. Coincidence, I choose to think not.  God has been faithful to always let me know that he has Ej and that everything will work out in accordance to God's plan. Jack and I have lived in death for so long that it was like a beautiful breeze blew our way and filled our sails. That breeze has a name, Ansley Jay Whitis..Yes please take note of the middle name. Tiffany named her Jay after Ej because her whole life she called him Jay. I was so thankful that she gets to carry part of her Uncle Ej's name. My prayer is that she has a beautiful, fun, God filled life. I hope she grows up to know that her papa and I love her so very much and she is just what we needed to sail again. God always has a plan, even when we cannot see. I believe she is a gift from God, just like our grandsons Carson and Kade. I have been sad for Carson and Kade because they knew Uncle Ej, but then he was taken away.  I will never forget that about a year after Ej passed away, we was riding down the road and Carson from the back seat said "nana" as I looked in the rear view mirror, to see his little eyes full of tears he ask the question "where in this world are we going to find a bull as good as Uncle EJ.  It was heartbreaking because I knew that there would never be another bull as good as Uncle EJ.  Uncle EJ would take turns with Carson and Kade and ride them on his back in the living room, trying and sometimes succeeding in bucking them off into the floor. With so much laughter, they would say Uncle Ej please let me ride again. That is one of those moments that takes my breath away. Another one of those moments was the first cry that I heard standing outside the hospital room when Ansley was born. I thought for sure my heart was going to stop and I knew that God had a plan for that hurting spot that Jack and I share. Jack told me that day that we could have life again and not live in the death mode. Do we miss Ej? Absolutely, every single day I miss my son, but it is different now, we have a little baby grand daughter that will know her Uncle Ej by her brothers stories and by our stories of him. God has blessed us with so many memories and with a son that will never be forgotten, with a daughter that is beautiful to the core of her soul, two grandsons that gave us the reason to live when we did not want to. And now baby Ansley who we will be blessed to watch her grow and see what she becomes. I thank God for all his plans, no matter if I understand or not. To know that God is God on the mountain just like God is God in the valley. God has gave me more then I deserve. God has put wind in our sails and the name of that wind is Ansley Jay!  We love you, Tiffany, Chad, Carson, Kade and Ansley Jay. Thanks for carrying your papa and I through!

long time no post....

Well it has been a long time since I last post..where does time go?  It has been a blur since May.  We have been so blessed to have visits from family and friends, so I guess that is why time has flew by.  We got to have a celebration of life for Ej in July. It did mine, Jack's  heart good to have such a great turn out.  Ej would be thirty years old and I know that he is in the presence of God... I know that I could of not survive if I did not know God. That is what gets me through this life, this month, this week, this day, this hour, this minute. Our friend Brad Bulla lost his son August 3, 2005 and today I read about one of Brad,s friends (who also lost his daughter) anyway Brad posted how he and his friend encouraged one another along the way..it made me think of the many friends that I have had to encourage me, Jack, and tiffany along our way. God always provides for us even when tears are clouding our eye's.  So thankful that Brad 's post reminded me of the blessings of friends. God even puts people in our path that have experienced the same grief that we have. I love all our friends and I have such a special bond with those that understand my heart.  My prayer is that we always can be a friend to others. I hope that Jack and I can encourage others like we have been encouraged. Thanks Brad and Tracy, we will never forget Christmas eve in the potting shed, crying, laughing and remembering Jed and Ej! Thanks for our own little music venue..

mothers past present and future

As I reflect on mother's day...I cry, I smile and I am in awe of what God's plan is.  It always was about my mom, even when I had children...mother's day wasn't about me. I could only hope that I was even half the mom that my mom was. God blessed me with Tiffany and Ej..and I am so thankful for what he has given me..not only did I get tiff and ej but I also got two beautiful grandsons...now I watch my daughter who us now the mom. She is an amazing mother. She had wonderful role models in my mom and in my grandmother's..I believe God made women to be the toughest mom and the most compassionate mom all in one.  So many women have influence my life in so many ways and for that I am thankful...Thanks mom, granny, grandma Lockhart, aunt Loretta, aunt Shirley, and my beautiful daughter Tiffany and my other daughter (who isn't our daughter by blood but our daughter by love) kristi....you all mean the world to me...

I am Ej & Tiffany's mom

As I was thinking about God this morning and how we as in the flesh, because we don't see with our physical eyes. We have a hard time believing. We do not physically see our God (yet) but that does not make him any less our God. We have to see God in things around us..For me I see him most when I am outdoors, especially at night in the stars and the moon.
So my best analogue of this is I am Tiffany's mom. You can physically see that. Because she is here and you can see her with eyes. (and you know from the way she acts sometimes, she is mine...lol) Then there is Ej, who is not physically here but I am still his mom. We don't physically see Ej anymore. But I see Ej with my faith eyes. I see Ej in dreams and vision (that by the way is nothing to do with me or Ej) but has everything to do with what God gives us. I cannot see Ej with my natural eyes but he is still my son, and I am still his mother. I cannot see God with my natural eyes but he is still my father and I am still his daughter. When we understand how much our faith eyes impact our lives, it will shows us things that our natural eyes cannot see. Some of you know Tiffany and Ej and it is easy to believe that both are my children, but for those who have never met Ej, how do you really know that he is mine. You know that by faith. Yes, you see evidence in pictures of Ej with us and you know by what others have said that I do have a son (a very real son) that I am his mom. You have seen Tiffany and still can see Tiffany and I am her mom. But we have that same evidence of God in the bible. We see that same evidence when we see the creation that has given to us. You have seen miracles and wonders, and if you did not recognize the miracles and wonders does that mean they don't exist. I am thankful for the faith that is beyond my understanding that God has blessed me with. But you have to know that faith is for everyone. You can have that same faith by seeking God, by reading his word, by stepping out of the boat. How are you ever going to know if you can walk on water if you never step out of the boat..I am Tiffany and Ej's mom, I am God's daughter and God is my father. That is just the facts. May God show you something amazing today..Let me rephrase that. May you SEE the amazing things that God is going to show you today...Peace, love and blessings