It’s been a minute

 Here it is 4am and guess who is awake. Though time passes 16 years 2 months and 11 days, but who is counting.  As summer gives away to fall, sometimes my will gives away to my emotions. You know they can only be sir pressed for a little while. It’s like it is already on my mind before I even open my eyes. Ej that beautiful gift that God gave me only for a little while. Well at least physically. But when the earthly life passes he doesn’t leave me in my soul. It’s odd to me that even though I know I will not understand, I still want to so much. As summer gives away to fall, I seem to give away to emotions. Something about the change of seasons for all of us. It’s nostalgic but it’s heavy. Thankful to make it through another season and wondering (not worrying) about what is coming in our next season. A person can only go so far on their own and then you really understand who God is. Because it makes no sense why I am still standing.  This journey has gotten me up in the middle of the night more times then I care to count for the last well 16 years 2 months and 11 days. It certainly turned out different then what I imagine but so has lots of other things. The challenge is the balance. A child in heaven and a child here on earth. Both so beautiful, both so loved. So in your heart you spend time in both places, doing my best to be present here on earth but to never take my eyes off of heaven. Just something about writing it down that allows me to release and breathe. I haven’t blogged for awhile. I will have to say it’s been a minute. Blessing to all of you on this new season of life. Fill your heart and mind with good and loving memories they will keep you just when you need them most.  

SUMMER GRIEF

 Nearing the end of June and yes Lord I am anxious.  Anxious that another year has past and still I can’t wrap my head around the loss of Ej. A little long my arms around my sweet boy.  This is what awakes me a little after midnight. Being in remembrance is a blessing and hard all at the same time.  It’s this place that I want to visit but I just can’t stay to long. Sometimes I need the grief to seep into the depths of who I am to remind me that you have this Lord. You have always had this. It is I who struggle with the plan.  Lord,  it is you that gives the best gifts. I just often wonder what all of our lives would have been if only.  The thing is, that I know you have all the answers the ones with the good gifts, so I will never stop seeking and trying to get understanding of how all of this works. To hold on to the last few weeks of that beautiful boy of mine but let go all at the same time. My comfort is I don’t think Ej misses here because he is there but I sure miss everything about him.  I will look for the gift you always send to remind me that you have got this even though I don’t.  May my heart be still and my mind at rest over the next few weeks. May you lead and guide me. There is no way that I believe you have lead me this far to leave me.  All my hope is in you Jesus.  

The gift

I remember when I was a child how excited I was for Christmas.  My parents both worked and my dad especially worked hard and most time he worked his regular job at Fisher Body and he also did lots of side jobs so his family could have the things.  Take vacations, have great birthdays and of course there was Christmas. Many times I would make my list, change my list and make it again because I believed that I would get what I ask for. It was not a free for all by no stretch of the imagination but we knew a few times a year we would be able to get that gift. The sears catalog would be flipped through more times then I could count.
I was really reminded this year because Ansley has ask for everything Barbie, that one year I ask for everything Barbie.  I was about 9 or 10 years old and even though we got gifts they was by no means easy to come by.  I know now that my mom spent days and days making an entire wardrobe of Barbie clothes for me. I did not know that at the time, but she would work after we all went to bed on these tiny little little clothes and made dresses, shorts, pants and coats. I remember going to her a few days before Christmas to tell her that I was going to ask Santa for something else.  I am sure she was crushed.  I did receive the Barbie doll, the clothes and the Barbie car but the gift was not what I ask for but the real gift was what my mom done. I don’t remember being overly excited about the Barbie stuff on that day but I wish I could go back and have a redo. I wish I could tell my mom thank you for all the time and effort you put into making all those things. Thank you for staying up and sewing all those clothes so I could have what I ask for. I did not understand that for many years and yes I would give so much to have all those clothes back but the memory is worth so much more then the clothes. We do take so much for granted but God is still teaching me to be grateful. He is teaching me that it isn’t about the stuff, but the sacrifice that is involved in our everyday life.  It is sure different then when I was little.  I doubt that Ansley will be impressed that her nana ordered her stuff from amazon but I hope she recalls the cookie making, the hot chocolate making, the playtime in the floor.
I always think it is like you know that spray foam that comes in a can.  Once you spray it you can’t put it back in the can. But the foam fills all the cracks and and empty space.  That is what I think about our memories.  Once they are made they are made.  My memory is not the Barbie or the clothes but today I have a memory that fills those cracks and empty spaces of my mom.  And for that I am grateful.  Make that memory this Christmas with your children and you grandchildren.  I promise it isn’t about the stuff but about the sacrifice.  They may not see it today but I promise one day or maybe in the middle of the night 50 some years later they will cry with gratitude of the unselfish love you poured into making Barbie clothes.  Merry Christmas and on this day Mary had a son and she named him Jesus. The greatest sacrifice of all!

Does our outside match our inside?

What about me blogging again in less than a week.

Call it age, maturity or not being as self centered as I once was, but I am so thankful for all three of those. Aging is not for sissy's that is for sure.  But wow I hope we all become softer, more forgiving and for once in our lives look beyond the outside of some ones appearance.  I just realized recently  how I have misjudged someone (good or bad) by the way they look on the outside. Like there is this person whom I have known for a really long time and on the outside they have it all together and if I am being honest there was times in life that I was jealous or at least envious.  It wasn't like a really close friend but I thought there is no limit to what she wants and whatever she wants she gets. Fast forward to many years later where I see now what she always wanted, money could not buy. Things could not sustain and looks on the outside does not always reflect what they are trying to achieve on the inside.  Please don't try to figure out who I am talking about because that is not the point.  At some stage in our life I am sure I could be talking about anyone, including myself!  I can't say for me it has been a lifelong struggle but I can say that I have said to myself, "if only I had this or if only I had that" I would be happy and satisfied. Only to see in a very short time that I was chasing acceptance.  Sometime it was acceptance from others and sometimes it was acceptance from ME!  If I was thinner, if I was richer, if I was prettier, if I was smarter and the list goes on.  I know I have said everyone of these things to myself.  If I was all I wanted to be well frankly I would be someone else!  Being someone else does not solve the problem, it just gives us a new set of problems. Back to the person I was Jealous or maybe even envious of, I am thankful that age or maturity has changed me, because now instead of wanting to be her, I want her to see herself the way others see her. I want whatever has made her feel unworthy to be cast into the sea of forgetfulness. I believe she is woreout from chasing whatever has been lacking in her life.  I want more then that for her to see herself the way God sees her. I wish I could just take credit for being a good person but it has been a work in progress. I could have done better going through my adult life but I guess as momma would say that is water under the bridge. I pray that I am better at getting to know someone for who they are on the inside and not who they are on the outside. Sometimes I think it is like trying to fill a dark hole from the abyss.  No amount of money, stuff, compliments, or looks can fill that hole. But there is one that can fill that hole with light and his name is Jesus.  I can honestly say that today because I have that hole and if I keep the light in there it is never completely overtaken by darkness. I hope you know that chances are that if I know you I have prayed for you sometime. If I have not, I am sure that I will.  If I have not prayed for you by name, I have prayed for many situations and conditions. I do love to pray for others, so if you trust me with your prayers, please shoot me a private message and I will happy to pray for you. If you would like to share what you want me to pray about that will be fine but if you just want me to pray without knowing details, that is great to. I know that God knows your needs and that is sufficient. I hope that when you and I see people we are not so shallow that we only see what is on the outside. I pray that you see the beauty in you and not the ashes. It is a great thing to pray for others but don't forget to pray for yourself. God love you just as much as He does the next guy!

Cracks in my heart

To say this has been a challenging year would be an understatement.  No great catastrophes but for some reason I find myself trying to reason the loss of Ej with God like never before.  I know I have thought to myself it has been 12 years and here I am again wrestling with the reason.  There is a reason you know and the truth is I will never know that reason here on earth. I often think to myself that is the first question that I am going to ask God.  Knowing at that point it will not matter. It is funny how I know God is who he says he is but when disaster strikes I always think it would be better if I knew the reason why. This grief is hard and heart wrenching.  One minute I think to myself I have got this and less then 30 seconds later I am laid out face down begging for Mercy.  Mercy always comes and always picks me up. As the old saying goes if I had a quarter.  If I had a quarter for every time Mercy shows up, I could solve all my financial woes and maybe even some of yours. Mercy is faithful even though at times I struggle in my faith. I think to myself, faith the size of mustard seed is all I need.  Jack and I both have had a crazy year with our grief. It seems we get one piece of grief behind us and there is another piece knocking at our door.  I have looked at my husband and watched his many stages of grief and have been helpless or paralyzed to come to his rescue. The times that a father and son is having a great conversation and I know the look as a glance over to see what Jack is thinking. His face says why isn't that me Lord. The times that father and son build a house together and the longing in his face that says I want to build a house with my son. He doesn't say it but I know what he is thinking. I am thankful that God brought us back together because very few can understand this kind of grief. I did not understand this grief before Ej. I guess I feel disconnected and I don't why now. It is hard to move forward when we feel our feet are planted right here in this grief.  We all have hard things to do and I wish we didn't but it is the hard things that make us strong.  Easy makes me weak and I know that. I always feel better after I write. It is a release for me and I have not blogged for a really long time. So this might be a selfish attempt to release all this stuff that clutters my mind and sometimes spills over into this heart of mine.  After all this heart has cracks and it is way better to let light out of the cracks then to let clutter seep into the heart.  One day I will see my son, that is my hope. I am thankful for my sweet little family that allows me time to grieve and Oh how I love my baby girl Tiffany and all of her babies even though two out of three are not babies anymore. They have after all made this life worth living. I often think of a segment from Beth Moore.  She stated that her father in law said I did not miss you because I miss them.  I never want to miss Tiffany because I miss Ej.  I don't want to miss what is in front of me because I miss Ej who has went on. I know I can only visit this grief, I cannot live here, so may Mercy show up big and take me to this place that is here and now.  I want to live in the here and now.  Not yesterday and not the tomorrow.
Matthew 6:34, NIV Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Sometimes I have no words.

I haven't written much lately because to be quiet honest, I have went through a numb stage. Don't ask me what that is all about because I don't have clue. I still get so overwhelmed over the loss of Ej. And believe it or not sometimes I have no words. Some days it seems like I have not seen Ej for a million years, and then others it seems like yesterday, that we got that phone call. I have to believe that God's way are not my ways. That is what his word says. I do wonder about some things though. I know that God knew that this would always be devastating for Jack and I. Yet it still happened. I sometimes speak that to God. Then God speaks back to my spirit and says Ej is safe and he loves heaven. As momma's we always want what is best for our kids and what could be better than heaven? But then there is that flesh side that just wants it my way. I think about Jesus a lot when he was praying in the garden of Gethsemane.When he lays face down and prays "my Father if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.  I have prayed that prayer often but then I am reminded that not my will but his will be done.
It is the hardest thing to say but Jesus said it and I know that is not what Jesus wanted to do. But he was all about his father's business. I try to be all about my father's business but I struggle. Jesus had his moment where he struggled to. So sometimes all I can do is get past the struggle part. It is life long and I have excepted that for my life. I have this one thing (even though it is a really big thing) but I have more than that. I have Jackson who knows me better then anyone. Who loves me when I am struggling and unlovable. I have Tiffany who is always patient with me when I am struggling. I have Carson and Kade who have loved Ej and knew me before all of this and now they have a nana that is still trying to find her way though this world. Then there is Ansley Jay who was just what Jackson and I needed to see the miracle of life unfold before our very eyes. To teach us that God has not forgotten about how crushed we are but sends us a little girl that has gave this life brand new meaning. I have Chad who will always take care of Tiffany, the boys and sassy.  I have friends and family that I love oh so much. I have people in my life that have the exact same heartache that I do. But more than all of that I have a God that sent his only son into this world to die for my sins, so that I can have eternal life with all of these that I love and that love Jesus. So thankful for that hope because if not for that hope, I would not be standing today or any other day. For where your treasures are, there your heart will be also. Luke 12:34.

Unexpected gifts from the expected one

Yes, yesterday was the big 60 for this girl. I am not sad about that but thankful that I have been here 60 years. I thought at first that was sad over the great loss of family, friends and especially our son Ej but after pondering on things yesterday I remembered that great loss comes from great love. I will admit that I have not understood great love until we had our first born Tiffany. I have loved this child with love that I never even knew could exist. Then I had Ej and when I think about him being born and then to realize that I had more love to give.  I did not have to take love away from Tiffany so I would have some for Ej. God had just filled me up with double portion love. How great is that. Anyway back to the unexpected gifts from the expected one. Yesterday was a great example how that works. Ever since Ej passed away, I have not put God in the box that I use to put him in. God is all things that can and will do all things. He does all things even if we miss it. I am not big on missing it. But sometimes I almost do. 
Yesterday morning I got up and I was thinking how great of a gift I got when God gave me Tiffany on my birthday. I mean it is the gift that keeps on giving. It would be hard for anyone to trump that gift. But anyway, when I got up yesterday I text Tiffany her Happy Birthday wishes and jumped into the shower.  As I was getting ready for the day, drying my hair and fixing my face, I was talking to God and these are a few of things I said. "God, I thank you for my beautiful daughter and thank you for giving me such a great gift.  God, I got to send my momma home to heaven on my birthday and I even thank you for that. I miss her so very much but what a gift for her sendoff to heaven to be on my birthday. The thing that I am most sad about today is that Ej cannot tell me happy birthday."  well I brushed my teeth and gathered my things for work. I walked out to my car and it had a little bit of frost on it and I decided to tuff it out and just wait in the car for the windows to clear. Most days I would have went back in and let the car run but for some reason that was not my choice yesterday. So I sat there for about 10 or 15 seconds and on the radio came a Beatles song. Ej loved the Beatles, But it was not just any song but the song "All my loving".. It took me a few minutes but then it hit me like a ton a bricks. That was another gift from God. Especially the part that says and while I'm away I'll write home everyday and I'll send all my loving to you.  I know some of you all think I am crazy, but I knew that was my Happy Birthday from Ej.  That is what God orchestrates to happen when we need things to happen. That is God being God. I believe if we are open to receive what God has the possibilities are endless. But we have to be open and watching what God will do. These things that happen are not coincidence. It is God moving and giving and loving and never forsaking us even when we can't see it.  I am thankful for my faith eyes that God gives me. Did I cry? Like a newborn baby I cried.  But how refreshing after the rain. How thankful for my message from my sweet Ej. How thankful for my baby girl Tiffany. The children of the very tapestry of my life. For my God who has woven my tapestry together and sealed it with a kiss from the cross.