The missing part of my soul during holidays

This time of year floods my mind, my heart, and my soul.  So many emotions from the very high to the very low.  I know part of it is reflection of what will never be again and part of is just so much thankfulness of God and his plan.  The plan that I don't get sometimes but I know in my heart it is a beautiful, marvelous plan that is so far from what I can capture in my mind.  I am thankful of so many things but in my soul, I will be honest it is a sadness that sometimes just makes my eyes flood with tears and loneliness that would stop me in my tracks if not for God.  This time of year I really have to cling to him.  I have to be faithful in believing his promises and intentional about my thankfulness. 
The sadness isn't just about Ej not being here, even though I am sure that it is a big part of it.  I am sad for the ones that have never had anyone to make them feel loved and cherished.  The ones that are alone everyday and holidays just intensifies that loneliness a million times over.
To be quiet honest I believe that even on my most joyous holidays I have had that sadness in my soul at the holidays, but I don't think I knew what is was.  I know that I have been blessed with much more then I could ever imagine or even deserved.  I believe that God knows that loneliness with drive me to help others during the holidays.  To not be a commercial Christmas but to be a Christ Christmas.  To smile, to love, to be thankful to show someone that no matter the circumstance that they are cherish and loved.  Cherished and loved by God.  The one that we want to be cherished and loved by.  My prayer is that even if it is just one person, that I touch this holiday that I touch them with the light of God.  I long for the missing part of me to be filled here on earth like it will be in heaven.  I believe that God wants us to have that heavenly realm here on earth.  That all of us walk in the Joy of the Lord.  The joy of the Lord has nothing to do with our circumstance but everything to do with who God is..  Be kind this holiday season...Be Christ like....Meet someone at the well and I will do the same...Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas to all of you.  My beautiful friends and family...You are loved:)

It is just the little things

This morning at church as people was coming into the sanctuary, Jack and I had already got seated.  I looked over and started to say something Jack when I seen him intently starring at someone or something and I knew it was big. So as my eyes moved to the direction of what he was starring I saw our associate pastor standing and talking to his son. But at that very moment Dennis (the associate pastor put his hands around his sons collar and fixed his collar.  At that moment Jack did not have to say anything I already felt his pain.  It is always there but there is some moments, especially the little things that are hard.  I knew at that moment Jack wanted to fix Ej's collar but he could not and at that moment I was heartbroken for us.  I was heartbroken for Jack for not having Ej and I was heartbroken for me for not having my husband and my son to watch them together.  As church started and the praise band got up to play and I sat there watching Josh (the associate pastor's son) play the guitar (which is what Ej played)  I could not help but think it is the small things in life that hit you like a ton of bricks.  It is the small things in life that has the greatest impact.  Yesterday on our way home with the grand sons our oldest grand son started talking to siri on his I phone. He had me and grandpa laughing so hard. And I know that is something that Jack and I will remember for all our life.  Anyway it dawned on me in church that must be how God is with us. That it is not the big grand things that we do (because that is usually for our gratification) but the small things.  The things like saying thank you God for who you are.  To make God just rare back and laugh at us. Even though sometimes I am really bad about wanting so badly to understand, I read his word and it says his ways are not our ways.  Or our ways are not his ways.  But even when it is hard and it makes me cry for the reminder of the day I am thankful for all the little things that we got to share with Ej.  Because all those little things has gave us so much joy. Even as hard as it was to watch Dennis and Josh, we are so thankful for the love between a father and son. It's just the little things that catch us off guard and reminds us that God is here to catch us when we are falling.  We are so very blessed for all that we have.  We are so very blessed to call our pastor our friend.  Josh plays in the praise band sometimes and we so are so blessed to watch him offer music to God.  Even though Josh does not know it, we have talked about how we love to see him in the praise band.  My hope is that Ej is playing in the praise band in heaven and that every now and then God reaches around him and fixes his collar.  After all it is the little things!

Eight years and counting

To say it has been a rough week would be a understatement.  All that runs through this head of mine is my prayer to God that goes like this.  Eight years God, how can it be eight years and how many more years before I see my son.
I grieve so much more then just for Ej.  I grieve the life that use to be mine. I grieve what could have been. I grieve the life that my daughter tiffany had before her mom and dad was consumed with this grief. I grieve the little things like Ej sleeping so soundly that it took a earthquake to wake him up. I just flat out grieve normal because the new normal isn't ever going to be normal.
But with that being said, I am so thankful what God shows me everyday and I often wondering why I missed so much of what God has always shown me. God gave us so very much right up to the day that Ej left to go to North Carolina. He whispered to me to leave work and go home to say good bye to Ej.  He whispered the same thing to Jack, to go home and say good bye to Ej. I know that was God because Ej had went away on several occasions before and not one time did Jack and I leave work to come home and tell him bye. We was absolutely blessed by God to come home and both of us got to kiss him goodbye. And for that I am thankful. Even though at the time I did not put everything together. It was not for a few years that we knew that God knew what we needed. And even last week during bible study with Laura Harris did he show me another something that I was not aware of.  Everyday I know that God will give me something and it may be little but it is bigger then the universe to me. This morning when we got up and was having coffee tears filled my eyes and heart as I thought tomorrow will be the date of the last time I physically seen Ej, here on earth. Jack and I discussed it for a moment and then we thought it would be a good time to do our daily devotional. Todays devotional started like this. As you get out of be in the morning, be aware of my presence with you. You may not be thinking clearly yet but I am. Your early morning thoughts seem to be a little anxious until you get connected with me. That is what my devotional said. Really this stuff is to good to make up. So for that I am thankful. God gave me the best memories and I am thankful for that too.  My very best memory was when Ej and I talked on Saturday night July 1, 2006. We said our I love you's and when I was getting ready to hang up I heard him say MOM MOM.. I put the phone back up to my ear and I said "what is it, son"?  He said have I ever told you that I love you more then anyone in the whole world.  I sort of laughed and said I do you too son!  Again I got a gift from God and I am so thankful I was on the house phone, because if it would of been my cell phone I would have missed those sweet words that otherwise I would of not heard.  Who knew the house phone would be the size of the universe to me!  Just thought I would share today, I always feel better if I can just get down on paper.  Give all your babies one extra hug and kiss today and it wouldn't hurt to let them have ice cream for dinner!

Almost eight years and I am still here

Almost eight years, for some reason my mind just cannot comprehend it still. There is days when I think still, how can this be? How can I just keep moving on but I know because of God is how I keep moving on. Sometimes I still feel like it is a dream and I think to myself that when I wake in the morning my life will be what it started out to be.  The time when I wake up and think wondering what Tiffany is doing today, wondering what Ej's plans are for the day.  I am thankful that I get to still say I wonder what Tiffany will do here on earth today. Then I say I wonder what Ej is doing in heaven today.
My sweet baby boy (well baby boy to me) is not here and sometimes when I close my eyes, I think it is the time before sleep but not really awake, I get a flash of Ej's sweet face and it makes me open my eyes immediately. He is so close and so real and then some days it seems he is on a journey and he seems far away. That is the thing about grief, it does not come with a manual, it does not come with rhyme or reason, but it always comes.  Sometimes it comes because of holidays or dates that are mile stones or special dates, but mostly it comes right out of left field and hits you like a ton of bricks.  For just a few seconds I honestly don't think I will be able to breath and the grief comes over you like the grief after the shock wears off. Oh and that is another thing, the shock stays with you for a long time but it never goes away forever. The shock takes breaks but so far the shock visits often.
It seems my relief comes when I speak what my heart feels. I think the heart fills up with stuff and it has to be released, so I guess this is my outlet to empty.
I think I get a little squirrely this time of year because the last 6 weeks of Ej's life is burned in my mind. So it seems each day reminds me of what was happening and how all things seem so normal then. Now there is a new normal that we have been implementing for the last almost eight years. We really don't know what that looks like but with Gods guidance, I know a new normal is coming. So with that being said I guess I will end with a Ej funny story. As most stories with Ej was comical.
It was mother's day 2006, and Ej had just got his brand new car in March. A car that he saved for and bought his self. But anyway he pulled up in front of the house with his HHR and got out of the car. His dad and I was on the front porch when he got out of his car and walked around to the hatchback. He open the back and said mom, I have you a bird bath for mother's day because that is what you have wanted. He said this should prove that I love because I have just hauled concrete in my new car you.  Jack and I laughed and I said well son, I have always wondered if you really loved me and I am so glad that you have finally proved your love for your mom.  What an awesome son God gave me and you know when you have a beautiful gift that you just treasure and want to hold on tightly to forever. My heart gets the part that Ej was a gift, but it was a gift for a time. Ej belonged and belongs to God, I am blessed to be the mom of Tiffany and Ej.  And the answer is yes, I am still Ej's mom and he is still my son just like I am still Tiffany's mom and she is my daughter. The only difference is Tiffany lives here on earth and Ej lives in heaven. My cup still runneth over because God has given me so much more then I deserve and God is still with me and understands that I miss my wonderful gift but God also assures me that I will see my gift again someday.  Okay I guess I am done and I hope you understand grief it is unexplainable and we never know when grief will overwhelm us or when it will give us a rest. I miss you sweet son of mine and some sweet day we will be together.

Baby Ansley has arrived!

Baby Ansley is her name, and filling our sails is her game!    Well it has been a really long time since I last posted. I think it was last July at Ej's thirtieth birthday celebration of life. I don't have a clue where time goes but it keeps on moving. For me, I am glad to see it moving because everything stopped in the life of Jack and Vickie for about 7 1/2 years. But life is back and it come in the form of a new grand daughter, born on January 17, 2014 and weighing in at 7lbs 14oz.  Which by the way happens to be EJ's birthday 7/14. Coincidence, I choose to think not.  God has been faithful to always let me know that he has Ej and that everything will work out in accordance to God's plan. Jack and I have lived in death for so long that it was like a beautiful breeze blew our way and filled our sails. That breeze has a name, Ansley Jay Whitis..Yes please take note of the middle name. Tiffany named her Jay after Ej because her whole life she called him Jay. I was so thankful that she gets to carry part of her Uncle Ej's name. My prayer is that she has a beautiful, fun, God filled life. I hope she grows up to know that her papa and I love her so very much and she is just what we needed to sail again. God always has a plan, even when we cannot see. I believe she is a gift from God, just like our grandsons Carson and Kade. I have been sad for Carson and Kade because they knew Uncle Ej, but then he was taken away.  I will never forget that about a year after Ej passed away, we was riding down the road and Carson from the back seat said "nana" as I looked in the rear view mirror, to see his little eyes full of tears he ask the question "where in this world are we going to find a bull as good as Uncle EJ.  It was heartbreaking because I knew that there would never be another bull as good as Uncle EJ.  Uncle EJ would take turns with Carson and Kade and ride them on his back in the living room, trying and sometimes succeeding in bucking them off into the floor. With so much laughter, they would say Uncle Ej please let me ride again. That is one of those moments that takes my breath away. Another one of those moments was the first cry that I heard standing outside the hospital room when Ansley was born. I thought for sure my heart was going to stop and I knew that God had a plan for that hurting spot that Jack and I share. Jack told me that day that we could have life again and not live in the death mode. Do we miss Ej? Absolutely, every single day I miss my son, but it is different now, we have a little baby grand daughter that will know her Uncle Ej by her brothers stories and by our stories of him. God has blessed us with so many memories and with a son that will never be forgotten, with a daughter that is beautiful to the core of her soul, two grandsons that gave us the reason to live when we did not want to. And now baby Ansley who we will be blessed to watch her grow and see what she becomes. I thank God for all his plans, no matter if I understand or not. To know that God is God on the mountain just like God is God in the valley. God has gave me more then I deserve. God has put wind in our sails and the name of that wind is Ansley Jay!  We love you, Tiffany, Chad, Carson, Kade and Ansley Jay. Thanks for carrying your papa and I through!